Miscarriage #2

02/02/09

identical twins.


no beating hearts.



I knew it was not going to be good the minute she put the wand to my belly.



"Shouldn't you see a heartbeat?"



"Well, yes, if you are nine weeks, we should have seen a heartbeat right away. What's this?"



**I wait, thinking of clouds and lollipops and my children's dirty faces.**



"Hmmm, looks like identical twins. Are you sure you couldn't be 6 weeks along? Because from what I see, it looks like you could just be 6 weeks along with identical twins."



I could tell at this point that she was just trying to be positive, but I told her she didn't have to be that way, that I've been through this before.



"Oh, well, if you're supposed to be 9 weeks, then it doesn't look good."



I continue sitting, wondering why I still feel nauseated and when they'll do the D&C. I think of all of my prayers to God that I would miscarry if something were wrong with the baby. Guess He made good on that one. Someone laughs in the hallway. No tears wet my cheeks, just the realization and the remembering.



"We can do this one of three ways," the doctor says. "Naturally, a D&C, or Cyotec. But first, I want you to wait a week to make sure you're not really just 6 weeks along."



"Can't you just give me the Cyotec now? I want this over with."



"I can't do that - from what the ultrasound says, you're 6 weeks pregnant with twins, but it just doesn't go with your dates."



"But I know for sure when I got a positive pregnancy test."



"Let's just have you come back in a week."



I dab at my eyes, take her card, shake her hand. I walk down the hall, into the parking garage, to my car. The angry-looking man at the window tells me I owe him $2.60. I shrug, telling him I don't have any cash. He sighs, letting me by, just this once.



"You really should get your parking ticket validated," he reprimands.



I should be embarassed, but I really don't care. I smile and nod.



A sudden warmth fills me as I think of Scott, sitting at his desk, hard at work and trying to solve someone else's computer problems. I think of Lucy with her warm brown eyes, and Asher with his bright blue ones. They will look at me, and they will smile recognition.



I turn my car toward home.