|my friend Shana. the best gloves EVER. read her blog and you will snort. promise.|
The last month of 2012 was a stretcher for me. I had some conversations that were hard for me; I stood up for myself in new ways that I never had tried before, and I felt a little bit more self-assurance seeping into, well, myself.
I had an epiphany a few days ago that my people-pleasing ways are ending because
1. I have four kids and don't have the energy I used to to aquiesce to outsider's demands and
2. I don't want my kids learning my behavior and
3. I just don't care as much as I used to and,
3a. I don't need to apologize for someone else's discomfort or annoyance with me...it's OK for them to be uncomfortable...(yes, it took me 33 years to figure this out)
4. the BIG one, PEOPLE-PLEASING IS ACTUALLY A FORM OF PRIDE. Yes, you heard that right. Pleasing other people/making them happy is my attempt at control, or controlling what others think of me. Sounds silly, right? It is. I can not control what someone thinks of me, and I have finally gotten to the point in life where I will just live with the anxiety that someone could be upset and let it dissipate.
5. Being my friend is a privelege. Didn't you know? I don't have to grovel or put up with bad behavior on the part of others in order to keep flailing friendships.
Yes. this is all new to me. Sort of sad.
My anxiety is generally very high after I have a run-in with someone (or what I perceive as a run-in; usually it's just me expressing my point of view or telling someone what I can or cannot do - or maybe it's me just offering to buy them Donuts and I'm totally off base), and sitting there with it is hard.
The more often I just speak my mind and cut someone off at the pass the less often I am feeling the anxiety.
So, that is what I have been working on lately.
I've lost 3 pounds! I will post a picture soon. I'm sure you are just dying for it! I also have no teeth because I used all of my Weight Watchers points on Christmas candy. I bought a winter coat today at Target that I can't zip up properly. It's a men's size Small but a girl can dream.
Scott and I are going to go somewhere tropical for our TENTH anniversary in March. I can hardly wait! Any suggestions, places to look? the caveats are:
1. Scott is afraid of the water in other countries
2. Scott does not want to be abducted by a Mexican drug cartel and shot in the head and left for dead in the desert
3. Scott is cheap
Do you know that sometimes when I am watching a show I will randomly Google the character's name and "stillborn baby" or "pancreatic cancer"?
Is that weird?
Sometimes I just want those dumb shows to understand that real life actually happens, not just to...well, people in real life. I am pleased when I get a "hit" and I feel justified in continuing to watch the show.
I am off to get the older kids ready for AN OVERNIGHT WITH THE GRANDPARENTS! We will sit and drink wine and watch Army Wives and make fun of Roland and his one-dimensional personality, and also feel sorry for the penis-less men who have to return every week to tape more of a bad show...that we apparently can't stop watching because we are on season 4.