|a weekend wedding with my 3 brothers' significant others...we had babysitters at the hotel! a night that was nothing to do with babies/children...it was DIVINE!|
Phoebe had just spilled my soda in the diaper aisle at Target and I realized something:
I have heard no less than 4 baby announcements IRL lately, and I didn't automatically think, "Why did they have a normal birth experience and I never did?" I thought, "Wow, that's a cute name!" or, "Oh my gosh, she totally looks like her sister," or "I'd better get to Carter's to buy a baby gift."
In hearing about the Todd Akin stuff and his comments about rape and pregnancy I didn't think, "I can never be pregnant again" as I would have thought 6 months ago. It would have bowled me over. I instead thought, "The whole abortion topic is so interesting to me - I wonder what many people would say if there were a gene discovered that could detect if an unborn baby had a propensity to be gay, and then the parents aborted the baby based on that. Wouldn't that be weird? Hey, I should write a blog post about that."
I saw a newborn the other day at Bible study and didn't ONCE have the thought, "I won't have a newborn, from my body, ever again". I looked at Phoebe and was just thankful for her. It's like the other background noise, or static, was turned down.
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
That's not to say I don't have rough patches...but for me, it's clear that I am just where I am supposed to be. Raising our three kiddos, helping others along the way.
I remember when Asher was about a year old and before I was pregnant and miscarrying every other month I just FELT good. I felt good physically, mentally, emotionally.
I realized today that I FEEL good again. I haven't felt this good for five whole years.
Healing just blindsides you in the middle of Target.
It doesn't come when you're trying to force it to.
I have a friend who was talking about how grief is like a yo-yo. There are "down" yo's, and there are "up" yo's, and the yo's are exhausting. Soon, though, the "down" yo's are less frequent and the "up" yo's take their place.
Just because I have a whole week of "down" yo's when I thought I was healing doesn't mean I am not making progress. It just means that the path this week was more triggers, less rest...
more bramble, less daisy patch.
Anyway, it's all very interesting.
Grief is loud - deafening.
Healing is quiet - graceful.
They're both married in this world, and to try to divorce the two from each other is like trying to...hmmm...
hold the blue-green ocean in a cup.