Thursday, November 29, 2012

Mommy lost my tooth, and other stories.

The last time I published was two weeks ago. I know you are all waiting with bated (baited?) breath to see what I will publish next.

I'm going to use ye old bullet points to let you know what I've been up to.

forgetting when, exactly, I last washed my hair. Sunday? 4 days? the night before our last marital foray, which was 72 years ago?  I think Laura Ingalls bathed every other fortnight, and only after Pa left his nasty muddy organic wastes in the bathtub, because the youngest kid bathes last on ye olde prairie. I also just tell people I'm trying that "no shampoo" thing because shampoo is evil and isn't fairly traded and not, of course, grown organically.

I don't know when I became 55 years old, but Pa Ingalls is officially hott.

not having time or energy to care whether or not people are mad at me, like me, want to marry me, etc.
This, my friends, is a relatively new accomplishment. A few years ago I was rear-ended at a stop light and got out of my car, APOLOGIZING TO THE PEOPLE WHO REAR-ENDED ME. I did not take down their insurance information because, "Oh, it's all right!" and then spent $4,000 at my chiropractor's office.  Scott told me that's why the chiro man looked at me with dollar signs in his eyes. Chiro man also told me he could "cause natural childbirth within 24 hours" when I was pregnant with Phoebe, and we all know how THAT WENT.

Feeling guilty for not exercising which in turns causes me to eat chocolate chip cookies.

putting Teapot in respite care, even though I didn't go on a trip. I knew it was time when a friend invited me, plane ticket paid for, to visit her on the West Coast and I cried when I got off the phone with her after hearing it wouldn't work out. I needed a break. When you're a foster parent you can randomly ask the social worker to find you someone else to care for the child because YOU ARE DONE TRYING TO CHASE HER DOWN EVERY 47 SECONDS AND YOU WANT TO SIT AND WATCH THREE HOURS OF 'THE OFFICE" WITH YOUR DIRTY SELF IN PEACE, DAMMIT! I pick her up tomorrow night and I must say that the break has been nice. I almost expect that little dentistry elf from "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" to come and tell me I've been naughty, and to bring her back along with some coal.

What am I even talking about? Do you know?

going to Costco and trying to avoid people I see there from my church. They always look freshly showered and I am too busy trying to decipher whether or not that stain on the front of me is animal, mineral or bread box (isn't that how 20 questions starts?)

sending out Christmas cards, because sending things in the mail makes me happy.

recycling day, and stuffing anything that could POSSIBLY be recycled into the bin. I know my neighbors love to watch this crazy broad taking single sheets of paper out to the recycle bin all morning.  There's a lady across the street who is 112 abut she's got nothing on me as far as being the busy-body goes. One of our neighbors got their car reposessed and I was on the cutting edge of that information.

I mixed the cloves in with the cinnamon JUST TO RECYCLE THE BOTTLE. Lucy asked, "Why does my oatmeal taste like farts?"and Scott told me he would stage an intervention if I kept combining the shampoo with the conditioner just to recycle the bottle.

Dunkin' Donuts
. I mock people who are addicted to Starbucks, but in reality, Dunkin' Donuts is Starbucks' white trash little sister.

Forgetting to play tooth fairy for Lucy, two nights in a row. She left the tooth fairy a very angry note:

note that the "darkness" on her face is labelled, because it is night time. At first I was under the impression that she was being wooed by Hamas.

So, in conclusion, I've been very busy, and therefore unable to answer your calls/scratch your back/change your diaper/make sure you are not washing your hair with conditioner and not shampoo/vacuum.

Any questions?


gorillabuns said...

not washing your hair is supposedly good for your hair. i tell myself this when it's day 5.

Sonya said...

Just laughed till tears streamed down my face...Thanks!

Thoughts for the day said...

I have wondered and wondered more, really miss your chatting about life as it is for you all.

Jenny said...

I love this all and can totally relate! Good for you for using respite care and taking care of yourself like you deserve, my friend :)

Melissa said...

Dunkin Donuts is WAY better than Starbucks. Starbucks is TOO strong.

Anonymous said...

Loved the story about Lucy and her tooth