This morning I met with the teachers at Asher's school.
I must preface this by saying that I was in education myself and it's embarassing to be called to your kid's school because of something you are doing wrong - which is definitely the way I viewed it.
My kid turned 5 years old last month and he can write his name, but he can't tell you how to spell his name. He can count to ten but other times he gets confused as to what number comes after 7.
I managed to take a shower this morning and put mascara on and a little lipstick, but then I got in the car and realized that I had a moustache from the cherry Kool-Aid I drank. (Yes, I literally drank Kool-Aid this morning - Crystal Light).
I didn't want to look like total ghetto mom so I put Phoebe in something cute and tried to look at least presentable.
During the meeting I tried not to cry and his teachers were gentle with me. They're awesome. They were more gentle with me than I am with myself. As they were talking, saying things like, "He could work on letters this way, or you could try this with numbers,"
all that was going through my head was,
"You idiot. You're a former behavior teacher and you couldn't figure this out? How could you successfully teach other people's kids but you can't figure this out with your own son?
What kind of mother are you? You took care of someone else's kid for 9 months but you can't even figure out that your own son should probably be able to spell his own name by the time he's in kindergarten?
What must your husband think about you?
How is your only son going to feel, MCS (Middle Child Syndrome), only boy, and you couldn't be bothered enough to think up creative things like having him write his name upside down or creating a catchy jingle for spelling his name?
You're so selfish! You're a failure! Just give up already!
He's only little for so long and then he'll be older and you'll be sitting there thinking of all of those missed opportunities where you were reading a book and YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN TEACHING HIM SOMETHING!
This is what my internal monologue sounds like. It sounds like that all the time. And then when Scott says, "We should have Asher on more of a schedule; I think it would help him!" what I hear in my mind is, "You are a horrible parent! I can't believe I married you! How could you not see this yourself?"
It's interesting that if I talked this way to someone else it would be considered verbal abuse...
yet I take it from myself all the time.
So.
If you must know, I cried on the way home, consoling myself with a large Diet Coke and a cherry pie at the McDonald's drive through.
I was at a stop light, wondering if I looked ok or if everyone there was wondering why I looked so trashy, and then I started laughing. I was thinking of Scott asking me not to wear my "dump pants", as he not-so-affectionately calls them, because they sag underneath the butt due to overwearing and it looks as though I took a big sh*t in them.
His words, not mine.
I love my husband, you guys.
Anyway...here we are.
It hit me while the teachers were talking to Asher at the end of the conference that he's not a baby any more! In my mind, he's still 3! But only he's not...he's 5! He's big enough to do SO much more for himself that I do for him instead. HE should be able to get up in the morning, get himself dressed, get cereal, all WITHOUT whining. Mornings don't have to be a struggle. I should put all of that responsibility squarely ON HIS shoulders, not mine.
He can handle it.
Anyway, I think about Facebook and friends and magazines and all of the garbage that tells me that I'm a crappy mom because I'm not making all-organic food for my kids, or because I let them watch tv, or because my house isn't 100% clean all the time, etc., etc., and I got to thinking...
we just do what we do. We love on our kids, we do what we think is right for them at the time, we don't give in to guilt, we let past mistakes motivate us to do better in the future.
So, this afternoon, we're going to head to Mardel to get him some "learning materials". He'll be all excited about that.
Onward and Upward, kids.
Onward and Upward.
12 comments:
oh trust me, you are not the only one.
-I still pick out my nine year old's clothes
-I still have to remind him to have me sign his homework EVERY SINGLE DAY
-I still remember EVERYTHING for him
-I practically did his whole "diorama" for him last weekend
Seriously, they are boys, it is a little different. I have tried just letting him sink or swim...um...there wasn't a whole lot of swimming going on.
The only thing I think helps, with my child, is lists and charts. Maybe some day he will remember something for himself...hoping that is before he is a teenager.
Great job of self talk and encouraging you and your child to do better. You are doing good, hang in there most boys have a more difficult time in the early school years so don't take it personally. He will do good with time.
Rachel, all of the words written in purple here are lies from the devil who is a s**t. He has been doing this since the beginning of time because he knows he has lost. I struggled with this all during raising my family and still catches me to this day. Call him out on it and listen to the Lord who is telling you that you are good enough. We are all a work in progress and He says it is okay. I love you and your sincere heart and will be praying for the "lies" to cease for you.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
I guess I'm also wondering what they're teaching him in preschool if he's not learning that? I can blame myself a bit when my kids are behind since I'm homeschooling them (and I too have an education degree), but you have no reason to blame yourself! As for name-memory I usually teach my kids a little song to learn their name; I need to do that now with my 4yr old who hasn't learned his yet.
First of all, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! As a Kindergarten teacher (that doesn't know you), it sounds to me like you are doing a great job as a mom. Trust me, if he's loved, if he's stimulated at home, he'll do just fine in school.
For the name writing and numbers, etc. Look at it this way. He can write his name because his name is like a picture to him. The letters are just like parts of a house, or parts of a stick figure. You aren't doing anything wrong whatsoever, you're being a mom doing everything you can for him.
Oh, and finally... even as a Kindergarten teacher, my son, who is now in first grade, entered Kindergarten barely holding a pencil. He's a school rock star now (kinda sorta), but it'll come when he's ready.
P.S. I love this blog!!! Thought I'd add that sentiment. :)
Rachel, I have never reponded to your blog before but I have enjoyed reading it for quite a while, but I felt like I need to respond to you on this on.
As someone who gets the joy of spending time with Asher I can tell you he a wonderful boy. I have seen a big change in him these last few weeks, he is really coming into his own. He reminds me a little of Seth. Seth would be overwhelmed in large group, a lot of noise and overcome with fear if he had to talk to any adult (it took him 2 years to talk to Miss Patty), now he is in third grade and doing GREAT.
You are much to hard on yourself (I am the same way with myself). Keep encouraging Asher to do his best, that's HIS best not THE best. He will "get it". One of the main points of preschool is to encourage a love of school. If they love school they will want to learn and grow.
I love you and your family and I am blessed to know you.
Shana (Stay and Play in case you were trying to place me)
Wow - too hard on yourself, Rach! I do this, too - I think we all do, but at the end of the day, I have to let it slide.those skills will come, we'll prod them along until they are doing it themselves - they WILL do it themselves one day - I have to in their 20s now, as well as everything all the way down to two years old...so I know! Sorta. The first two heel draggers got their act together, the others will too, and so will your Asher. Didn't you say he JUST turned 5? That would still be preschool in Ohio. He'll get it, just give it time. I have a few really great websites that might help if you want. www.starfall.com www.readingeggs.com www.funbrain.com I am sure there are plenty more, but I really think these have helped my son who is a lover of the computer! We recently also purchased some Leap Frog dvds. I'll let you know how those go!
Hang in there - you are doing just fine. When I was in schools, at his age, we were most worried about how the kids were doing socially. If they seemed to have supportive and caring parents at home, and if they did well with their gross and fine motor skills. He'll get there, every kid is different. My son will be SEVEN in a few days, and while math is a BREEZE to him, learning to read has been a real struggle.
Take care, I am always thinking about ya! And praying for you and also little Finn. Blessings, megan
Hey Rach? As long as Asher is past this point by the time he's 32 and he's not still living in your basement you're well ahead of the curve!
If I hear you saying "Well, he's only 32 and it's okay that he's lving on a diet of Doritos and Mountain Dew" THEN I will have to have a talk with you!
I read your blog faithfully, but don't comment much. I agonized over my son's progress in school for 13 years! I was a teacher also. Let me just say from my viewpoint, he will turn out okay, you will be okay and you all will live through it. He married a wonderful woman and is a very good dad.
It is so hard when his teacher recognizes weaknesses, but sometimes we are so close to the situation that we don't realize there is a problem. I agree with many of the comments that boys just take more time than girls to mature and sometimes it's just whatever is within each child.
Take care and just love some more on that little boy!
Rach, I definitely agree with everyone and must say that the comments make me feel better about my own little man. Boys are just SO different than girls!!!
Asher is great, you're a wonderful Mama, and you need to tell the whisperer of lies to shove his comments rather than fill your head!
My daughter is currently begging to wear pj's to a bday party so maybe I'm the one who needs a talking to about parenting! ha!
I only 'know' you from reading your blog...but, I don't think you are a 'horrible' mother. I understand the thoughts in your brain....I had them too when my kids were young. I love your honesty. So many blogs by young mothers make their lives and their kids sound picture perfect. Thanks for keeping it real for this nifty-50 year-old grandma. I've always said that mothers have a 'Guilt Book' for each child. Maybe this will be written on one of the 'pages' for Asher....but, pull out your "Good Moma Moments' book and reflect on the positive things! Also thanks for the reminder to work with my 4-yr-old grandson that I'm helping raise.
Pfft, You know his teachers weren't thinking that!! I worry about MCS too - my middle child and only boy is in 1st grade and needing some extra help. He also could use some help in emotional growth. we worked them both into his daily chore chart (happy to email it to you!!) so that he gets credit (25 cents) for each thing he needs to do each day, and he is less likely to whine about the extra work. his older sister never needed any help w/ school so this is new for us. Please cut yourself some slack :) You are doing a great job!
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