For the last few days I've been feeling really, really down. I've been trying to figure out why. Here's what I can come up with:
- spring-like weather always brings back memories of the death of a high school friend, Ryan. Since his death I've struck up a friendship with his mom and dad and we write yearly. I just think about him and wonder what he would have been like today and the memory of those awful days after he died are brought up by this beautiful weather. Seasonal memory.
- too much Diet Coke - I'm addicted
- too much Facebook - also addicted. I will be at Target, enjoying my day, and then think, "Oh, I have to tell everyone on Facebook about this," or "Wouldn't that be a great picture to post to FB? Phoebe is actually in an outfit that isn't covered in strawberry jelly! I should post it!" and then I'm scrambling around in my bag for my camera and I realize that this is all quite silly and I should just enjoy the moment and not feel the pressing need to tell everyone else about it. Sometimes moments are meant to be private. Also, I don't want to constantly be comparing/measuring myself against other people, finding myself lacking. I do that enough in my own head that I don't need the help of a "social utility tool". Let's leave middle school in the early 90s. My friendCole figured this out 178 years ago and she has never been on Facebook, not once. You are smart, Cole! I actually deleted my account instead of deactivating it. Did you know that Facebook sells your personal information? To the highest bidder? I've been reading more about it and it disturbs me that there are strangers out there who know more about my day than my own husband does. Also, it was a really hard decision to quit. That should be some sort of indicator that it needed to go. How many moments have I lost out on because I had my nose in someone else's photo album, instead of listening to Asher say, "Mama, why is it taking Phoebe so long to grow up?"
I don't want to miss those moments.
- too much talk radio - I want to pull my hair out listening to the insanity that is the presidential debates, our society's neverending attack on Christianity (loss of all sorts of religious liberties included in that parcel), and...well...let's not even get started on the news!
- not enough time with my head in the pages of my Bible. no excuse for this one. Why do I THINK I'd feel anything but crappy if I don't fill my head with the truth of God's word? DUH, RACHEL, DUH!
- caffeinated coffee - just imagine a writhing neuron with bed head, and that is me.
So: right now Pheebs and I are going for a walk. We talked to a lovely man today at Target who battled on the beaches of Normandy. HE was just in love with Phoebe and I let him give her a kiss.
If I'd had my nose stuck in my cell phone, staring at my FB page, I would have missed out on that awesome conversation.
We're off for a walk. There's an estate sale up the street and we definitely need more crap!
What makes you depressed? What are you going to do about it?
11 comments:
Waiting! That's what is leading me to depression right now.
Nice reminder to get my head out of technology and enjoy the moments I have with my girls, all 3 of them, for as long as I can.
Yeah...I may not be on facebook...but I've still had to cut my time on texting and emailing because even that was getting out of hand when I was working from home. I didn't want the kids to grow up thinking the computer was more important than they were and watch them run off to live 'the natural life' in the hills of Montana to avoid technology! ha! Think of the poor grandchildren!
What do I have to shut down before it heads to depression...? The coulda woulda shoulda's of my past. I have to remind myself OFTEN that I would not be here, in this house, with these beautiful children, loving husband, some great family, and wonderful friends if the picture was painted in hindsight! I'm just simply WAY TO BLESSED to be duped into believing Satan's lies about how screwed up I've made my life. He's full of crap and I'm not in the market for fertilizer quite frankly! =)
facebook really does that?? um... might have to think about it, what about if your setting is on private?
I agree, the debates are depressing to me too. I think we vastly differ on the reasons though. Haaaaaa, that's ok, that's what makes our country so fantastic! :) What depresses me? The fact that my child suffers from a severe mental illness, and it's so taboo to mention it. I wish someone would bring us a meal once in a while 'cause we're so drained, or people at church would understand and not judge. Or passers by would keep their opinions to themselves. Whoaaa, I really went off at the mouth (or the keyboard, whatever). Ha!
I had a great headmaster at high school and I remember a speech he gave where he quoted someone (I have never been able to find out who) who said "Never waste your time wishing you were someONE else or someWHERE else". I find I get pretty miserable when I am stuck in one of these two situations. It's so , so easy to think that everything would be better "If only", when the reality is that once you deal with that "if only" another one pops up.
A Splash--
I don't know you, but your post really moved me. I don't know where you live, but I'm in the Seattle area. If we're anywhere nearby, I'd love to bring you and your family several meals. If not, please know that I am saying a prayer right now for you and your family.
First of all, I'm proud of you for deleting your FB account. It is an addiction, and I know for you, not a good thing. There is that constant pressure to "update" everyone about your life...lame.
A Splash, I felt the same way Claire did. I'm in Northern Cali, and my cooking is......well, there's a few things I can do. :) I do not know what it's like to have someone close to me with a mental illness, but I'm so sorry that you're being judged, there is such stigma behind it. A prayer goes out to you.
Claire, I wish I lived in the Seattle area. Same time zone though, so maybe we can figure out a girls night out or something. Ok, so same time zone doesn't exactly equate to being geographically close. Thanks for your sweet message though. Gosh, it means the world to me! Sometimes Blogland is a not-so-friendly place, and other times, Blogland is close to a utopian society. :)
WAIT A MINUTE. Majestic is in NorCal. I may be sticking my toe out, but ummmm, me too. WOW! I completely appreciate the sweetness in just a few comments made on a blog that isn't even my own. Again, WOW! Thanks. I'm pretty sure my friday is complete... and quite possibly my week too. It means a lot.
A Splash...email me at rquinnley@gmail.com
A Splash, I think one of the great tricks of the Deceiver is to make us feel alone, cut off. Six months ago, I moved cross country with my family to a new home that I love. But I lost my community. If I let myself go there, I can feel very alone. I left a place where my friends and community were a lot like me, in personality, goals, stage of life, education, etc. I came to a place where I'm fairly different from most of my "peers." But God is opening my eyes to the beauty of his church. How we all come together as a family, even though were so different.
God is romancing my heart and not letting me feel alone or on the outside. He's reminding me not to fall prey to that shady trick.
I can't imagine how "alone" what you're going through can make you feel. How cut off. How different. Someone very dear to me wrestled with severe depression at one point in their life. And you're right-- there is a very real stigma in the church today when it comes to depression, mental illness, etc.
With every fiber in my being, I want to shout out-- you are not alone! You are part of the Body. Your openness and honesty touched me. I'm thankful you felt this was a safe place to share your burden. (Rachel, you have ministered to all of us with your openness and honesty, encouraging us to let go and be real. Thank you!!) And now that you've done the hard part of sharing, it's up to us to do the important part of loving, of burden sharing.
Hugs to you today.
Hugs to you too Rachel. I am so thankful for your vulnerability and for being a safe place where others can be open too. You rock. And I am praying for you, friend!
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