Sometimes I wonder what it'll be like to be old.
I know I'm not the only one. I listen to older women talking about the middle of the stomach sag, the battle of the bulge, the struggle to make the boobs attractive to the man they've been married to since 1952.
I see sunlight hit my childrens' faces and I think to myself, "They see me as 'old'." Maybe not "Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas" old, but old nonetheless.
What am I telling my children about age?
How do the wrinkles that are appearing on the skin of my hands tell a story?
Who am I becoming?
These are all thoughts to ponder, especially as they pertain to a glass of wine at 4:20 in the afternoon.
Right now I rest in the homey cocoon of my three children who are all very much at tender little ages and needing me, and a husband who depends on me the same.
Growing old scares me; the vulnerability found now in the midnight hours, the vulnerability that is only "someday" will be the "now here", at a certain point.
I think the thing that keeps me up most at night is this singular thought: "Will I have done the things I wanted to do? Will I have been the things I wanted to be?"
I don't want to be doing something wrong and realize it when the respirator is sighing its last and I have no more breath to tell. I fear most the panic of realizing a thing wrongly-done and no more energy to make it right.
I suppose therein lies the rub; we only recognize a youthful dalliance as being superfluous in hindsight.
Afterall, maybe that's the folly, the only glory,
of youth.
2 comments:
oh I wish I could sit with you and enjoy that glass of wine too, we could share life's lessons and journeys. Growing old is a blessing. It is a gift. I am as I have said, 57 years old not far from 60 and if there is ONE thing that can be shared over and over to you and others, life is short, live each day at a time without regrets. Your children are the most important 'jobs' for you right now, and making your home a peaceful, comfortable place for you and your husband. Yes we all want to go to Hawaii some day, but for now, hugging and cuddling, and teaching lessons of life, is the MOST important you can do. There will be time later for the other things. I promise.
I think what is astounding to me as I get older is that I am actually the age that I am. I don't feel like I've lived long enough to have reached 33, yet here I am.
I don't want my life to be a waste. I'm not actually sure what that means yet but I am gathering that being decent to fellow humans and being a good wife and mother are all part of the point of it all.
I am a big gesture type person. I want to be Mother Teresa but maybe just being a good mom to the three I've got and making sure they are decent is enough. With a sprinkling of other good deeds thrown in here and there.
I hope I've got at least another 50 years to be decent and to contribute. The one thing I've realized as I've gotten older is that being alive is a privilege - even with all the struggles. I try to hold on to that during the toughest days. And, like you, I drink a glass of wine to smooth the edges knowing that I can try again tomorrow.
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