I had to think really, really fast...and I came up with..."Oh, those glass beer bottles need to be recycled!
I didn't really say those things out loud. Instead I said, "Yes, I will combine this with other errands." I spent $78 at Target, but that's neither here nor there, is it.
Anyway, I was reading a blog last night about how, in these crazy mind-numbing days of raising children, you spend most of the time feeling a combination of guilt and panic. When the little old ladies come up to you and say, "Enjoy this time! It's going so fast!" you (at least I do) start to think,
"Oh my gosh. Am I enjoying this enough? Are the kids enjoying this enough? What does "enjoying" a thing LOOK like, exactly? I spend too much time on the phone, or cleaning up toys that will be spilled again, or trying to feed a baby who really just wants to barf down my shirt after I JUST took a shower after not taking one for four days (you heard it here first).
All I can think about is a glass of wine and reruns of "Psych" at the end of the day. I don't want anyone to touch me, or look at me, or ask me to get them a glass of water. I don't want them to get me a glass of anything, really, unless it's something alcoholic and tasting like berries.
and then I think..."A GOOD MOTHER WOULD NOT LONG FOR THE END OF THE DAY! I AM A HORRIBLE MOTHER! MY KIDS WILL HATE ME! I WILL BE SITTING IN THE NURSING HOME SOMEDAY, HATING MYSELF! I WILL TELL THE UNDERPAID NURSING HOME STAFF TO BEAT ME!"
And then a whisper...soft, sickly sweet, breathy..."A good mother would enjoy every moment, you know. Yes, that's what a good mother would do."
And so on, and so forth, ad nauseum, the end.
Enter my sweet friend from church, Helen. She is 85 and I love her to pieces. She saw me trying to corral my kids one Sunday at church (I think I still had the tag on my shirt) and she said to me, "I don't miss those days at all."
I nearly vomited up the communion juice.
I looked up, sure there was a huge gape in my shirt and everyone around could see that my nursing pads were out of place. Say what?
There are huge portions of my kids' early days that I think I just blocked out. My dear Robert was in the service and it was just me and four kids and most days all I could think about was night time. Nope. I don't miss the craziness.
Well. Doesn't that just turn everything *I* ever believed about the "I loved EVERYTHING!" WWII generation on its head. You mean, you didn't crochet shirts every morning after baking 3 loaves of fresh-made bread and putting a cherry pie in the window just for fun, and all before 6 am, when you would go to the local factory and wear one of those cute head band things with "the gals" and talk about Rosie the Riveter? And then, when your husband came home at night, you had a gin and tonic (there's that drinking again) at the ready and never, ever in a blue moon said, "Honey, not tonight...I'm too tired?"
Let me play narrator here and tell you that Helen is a wonderful person - wonderful wife, mother, mentor, friend. See, I even feel like I have to defend *her* for not enjoying it enough. What kind of a sick soul doesn't enjoy the beauty of children? My kids will be kids for a blink of time in light of eternity, and so were hers. Heck, one of her kids even died at the age of 20. What kind of a jerk didn't enjoy so much her childrens' early early years?
Here's Helen:
As I left Helen's house, she whispered, "Thanks for making me feel like I'm worth something today. Some days I feel like I'm nothing but an old widow. How could I possibly be any use for anyone any more?"
"You've got a precious possession," I told her, tears in my eyes. "The possession of experience. You tell me you don't miss these crazy early days, and it makes me feel better. Because sometimes all I can think about is the end of the day and some conversation that doesn't involve macaroni and cheese or Barbie."
She winked at me, hugged me, said, "You're a gem, my dear."
Oh, how I love Helen.
*****************
Today, in the parking lot, there was a woman who was going into Target as I was coming out. My erm - "ladies" were crying out. I felt like I'd been caught in the crossfire when David was throwing rocks at Goliath. Get my drift? It was the first night Pheebs had slept in a crib instead of between us, and there had been a lot of crying going on. Not much nursing, which means the ladies were mad.
Phoebe had been wearing her purple knit hat, as seen in this picture:
It's a balmy 60 degrees today, and out in the parking lot I let a woman cross the crosswalk in front of me. "No, go ahead!" I said, attempting to be gracious, even though my boobs and arms were aching...all because of the aforementioned little baby.
She looked at me, not in a pleasant way.
"You know, shouldn't that baby be wearing the hat, instead of you? It's too cold for a baby."
I should have responded with, "Well, yes, but seeing as how you're wearing a t-shirt and no hat, why don't you mind your own damn business?"
or
"Yes, but only a good mother would know that particular fact!"
I just said, "Yeah, probably." and laughed it off.
I heard her muttering about irresponsibility as I walked away.
And it hit me. In 30 years, when I have the precious possession of experience,
I want to be Helen.
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10 comments:
Oh man!! You took the words right out of my mouth! So glad I'm not the only one that does not want anyone near them at the end of the day. Why do we have to feel so guilty all the time? I have many times that I think I am a bad mother. If my kids are being quiet watching tv or playing video games, I take advantage of the quiet moment for myself. Then of course feel guilty;( never ending. Great post!!
Good gracious. I think you must have bad luck because you always seem to run into the jerks. I was just having a conversation with a friend about how instead of judging other moms for nursing or not nursing, co-sleeping or CIO, organic or not, stay-at-home or working, etc moms just need to encourage other moms. Nearly every mom is just doing her very best with the tools she has and nearly every mom fears that's not enough. It's so not helpful to have people - especially strangers! heap on more insecurity to the already overwhelming self-doubt that comes with mommyhood. For what it's worth - from another stranger - I think you are a wonderful mama and that there is nothing wrong with longing for some introvert time. In fact, I think the best thing you can do for your kids is take care of yourself. I know from personal experience that an overwhelmed mommy (me) is not going to cope well with a rambunctious toddler. My daughter would thank me for having that giant Dr. Pepper (my version of a berry-flavored alcoholic beverage) and hiding in my room when Daddy comes home if she could. :) Thanks for sharing. And I want to meet Helen.
Oh I so want to be a Helen too, at 57 I am closer but oh the wisdom and joy she can have by seeing your little ones and you can learn from her too. I like this blog post it is real and honest and genuine. You are doing a good job.
Helen has a clone. Her name is Grandma Alma and she goes to the church where our son-in-law worked a couple of years ago. I don't know how she feels about her children's young years, but she sure is a great encouragement to all the young moms she meets. On more than one occasion she was just the right person for our daughter-mother-of-six on a Sunday morning while our SIL was busy with his duties at the church.
And FWIW, I, too, was very relieved when our kids got out of the very dependent and volatile pre-school years. I need room to breathe sometimes....just my personality. While the teen years presented a whole new set of challenges, I much preferred that era in their lives. No guilt, Rach! YOU are the exact woman chosen by God to be exactly what YOUR kids need.
Seriously!!!!! I'm with ya sister and I *LOVE* Helen, she sounds absolutely wonderful!! I'm so glad you have each other. Phoebe seems pretty taken with her as well.
I was guilting myself just 2 hours ago, knowing that my kids have had to have the tv babysitter as I worked this week. I was battling a migraine with ice, quiet, darkness and HGTV in the background. Did I expect Kent to play with them as I took the break...uh, yeah, a little. But even when he does, I feel guilty that he is so much more engaged & imaginative in their play time.
Bottom line, you're a great Mama...I've seen it first hand and can say that. My kids tell me I'm a good Mom, so that has to be enough. We can't do it all, we can only do our best each day and cover them in prayer.
Exactly! My mom looks back on our childhood fondly, but I am the oldest of 4 and I remember her being very stressed and exhausted. My girls are 9 years apart and I teach jh/hs kids. I love snuggling with my babies, hearing their giggles, etc..., but I crave the hour or so I get a night with no one begging for something or attached to me in some way. AND MINE ARE 9 YEARS APART! I think there is a special place in heaven for women who can raise kids close in age and not go crazy. I had a pissy grandma come up to me when my baby was about 2 months old. We were in the store and I had covered her with a blanket on the way in (it was spring) and then I carried her with me so no one would touch her. This lady and her two friends came up to me to look at her and this woman said, "I have been a grandma for years, can I tell you something? Cover her up because you need to keep the bad vibes off of her." I am not very good at hiding my feelings and she obviously saw how irritated I was by that statement because she went on to apologize. I told my husband it took everything I had not to tell her I have had hair for years, so could I give her some advice? Stop perming it and bleaching it until it falls out. Why do people assume we want their opinions on things like that? Thank God for wine.
Now I know why I love you. Reality and booze. :)
As I sit here with my nine year old (my last of seven), wanting a baby each day and knowing the odds are stacked soooooo high against me, you remind me of how HARD those days were and why it's not so bad that I can't do assisted repro (and shouldn't). I love you!
jennifer
I spent my Christmas at my friends' home with their almsot 5 year old- days like that make me SO happy I chose not to be a mommy! When the kid was mad at me (for whatever reason kids that age choose to be mad) I sent her off to her parents, grandparent, aunts, uncles- anyone who, by genetics would have to deal with her (although she was adopted but you know what I mean!)
Maybe she'll adore me someday and maybe not but I don't have to lose any sleep over it! When she told me she hated me I could think it back in my head without grief!
Yeah, there's definitely something about not being a parent that allows you to embrace what you really feel like saying without having to worry about what the next 20 years hold!
And let "Little Me" sit on your shoulder for "Target Encounters". I'm always better at quick witted comebacks when they have nothing to do with me! (Obviously the teeshited woman had her hat on too tight for too many years!)
i was gonna say, they say that to us , "enjoy it, it goes so fast!", because they didn't.
your friend is one of the only ones that tells the truth :)
and trust me, i had everyone and there brother telling me how worm to dress my son when he was little. he is 9 years old and still alive. :)
I think I love Helen, too! And all those morons who feel the need to judge perfect strangers out loud on the street . . . how I wish I could give them ALL a slap in the face. When I couldn´t breastfeed my firstborn, women in the market were telling me I was a terrible mom for giving him a bottle. People I'd never met before. And they had no idea why he was sucking on a bottle and not my boob, but it wasn't from lack of trying!
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