I was planning to run into Wal-Mart with a return this morning.
Asher and I have a constant battle regarding his pumpkin-orange winter coat. The boy is as stubborn as Justin Bieber is adorable, and I had in my head a fool-proof little plan to remind him of the consequences of trying to brave a cold, cold day without a coat on.
You see, he thinks that wearing it is optional. I told him a few days ago that whenever he gets out of the car, it's his responsibility to have it on. He likes to take it off when he gets in his car seat. That's fine, but he really needs to have it back on when we leave the car.
Today I locked the car and then saw him without his coat on. I have had this conversation with him 847 times. I am so DONE with this particular conversation.
"Asher, put your coat on, please."
"Nooooooooo!"
"All right. I think you've made your choice. Let's go."
He was all machismo and big muscles going into the store, but the bravery quickly dissolved into a puddle on the way back to the van.
"Mama! I'm cold!"
"Asher, why do you think you're cold?"
"Because you didn't put my coat on me!"
"No, I told you the coat was your responsibility. You need to keep your coat on."
At this point Asher is standing in the middle of the parking lot right next to me. If I could have framed his face for all posterity, I would have. There he stood, looking up at me, all at once a little dude in need of protection once again. "Maaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaa! It's too cold! I can't walk!"
I continue to walk, and out of the corner of my eye there is a lady (seriously, do these witchy ladies belong to a coven who's key end is to torture me?) mumbling something. I think she's talking to herself as she tries to locate her keys. I realize she's talking to herself about me when we lock eyes and she mumbles something again. She shakes her head twice, hard, and continues to mumble.
"Ma'am? Is there a reason you're shaking your head at me?"
She just looks at me, stunned, I guess, that she's been confronted, and says nothing. She stares at her keys...1, 2, 3 seconds. Then, our eyes meet again and she says, in a very condescending and nasty tone, "You need to put a coat on your son!"
I looked back at her and realized, in that moment, that every time I have ever judged another person it was for my gain, not theirs. Let's face it: passing judgement on another person only serves our own ego. The only judgement that is acceptable is judgement that comes paired with an offer of help.
This was so eye-opening to me. This lady thought she was helping, but all she was really doing was making me feel small and, well, judged. The situation wasn't what it appeared to be.
"Oh! Well in that case, thank you for your judgement!"
Stunned, again, she just looked at me, huffed once, and jumped into her golden minivan with the "GRMA4" license plate.
I was thinking about how, if a person were truly concerned about the welfare of a child out in the cold, that person could say, "Hi! Would you mind if I bought your son a coat in the store? I've got some extra cash this week and I'd like to help."
What kind of world would it be, then?
It gave me pause as I backed my minivan out of its space, and Asher, chilled to the bone, shrugged into his little orange cocoon once again.
What kind of world would it be?
16 comments:
I LOVE you insights on judgment. So true, yet something I never really thought about before. I am going to remember this next time I feel like judging someone and only do it if I am offering to help as well.
Great blog! Strong willed children are so much fun aren`t they!? :) For the record, I would have done the same thing you did! :)
Veronique
http://lifeasaluce.blogspot.com/
So often I try to hold my thoughts in when I see a situation like this because I don't know the the reason why... you really do have lots of fun...:o) haha
hang in there mom, it is worth it in the LONG run.
So few parents today actually allow natural consequences to take effect when their children make bad choices. But that still is the only really authentic "discipline" that works. My money's on Asher NEVER removing his coat again!! Very proud of you as a mom for carrying thru with the natural consequence of being cold without a coat. It is such a no-brainer, but parents are so afraid of doing it. Kudos!!
I love this. I'm laughing my head off!!! Good job being a great mom.
A much better world.
Good for you for saying something!
Not that it matters (because I applaud your parenting choice :) but I'm curious to know if either of the girls were with you. I'm picturing you with three children, two in coats and one without. If so, as an onlooker, how hard is it to put two and two together...?
But honestly, loved your take on this type of thing that happens a LOT as a parent! :)
I totally agree!! There were a couple of events that Lani got to go to last year but Tristan didn't because he either didn't eat his dinner, or tried lying to test some boundaries. I got some oh so UN-lovely comments from fellow mothers.
Thankfully, there was one mother with children that are all in grade school...she said, "Nope, you're not allowed to feel guilty. That's what you've got to do to teach them."
As you said, we need to build each other up with encouragement rather than tearing down at every opportunity. Soooo agreee with you!!
I understand where you are coming from...but, I don't think the lady was actually being judgemental. I think she just felt sorry for your little guy who was cold. Yes, she didn't understand what was happening...but, I see it as just concern. Lighten up... Love your blog by the way.
I think we have all been there before! It's like when I take my 7 out to eat or for a Walmart trip. If they aren't acting perfect, out come the laser eyes, pointing and shaking heads. People crack me up how they judge!
If the lady was really acting out of concern she would have done just that, offered to buy a coat or give hers up- just stating he needs a coat while shaking her head is judgment- not concern.
Kudos to you Rach for sticking to your guns and teaching Asher a great lesson- hope I have enough guts to do what you do. You are an awesome mom and you don't need to lighten up!
I've got a stubborn boy too. Oh so very stubborn. He has a green coat that he doesn't like to wear. I think Asher and Gabriel would be fast friends if we still lived nearby. :-)
I agree on the judgement yet I know that *I* judge other people too often. It is hard to stop myself. But, you are right, we don't always have all the information and have no idea what is really going on.
I have no idea who said this: "True charity is blind to circumstance." but I think it is fitting. I'd probably judge less and be a lot kinder if I followed that mantra. Maybe I need it tattooed on the back of my hand for the constant reminder (kidding!).
I sent you a reply email, hope you got it.
@Rhonda - I do think I'm being pretty light about it. I was actually able to see the situation from her perspective (worried about a child with no coat) while at the same time being able to see that she wasn't really helping anything by being nasty.
Again, my point: If she TRULY cared and wasn't there just to judge, she would have done something to help.
While I LIVE for allowing people to experience "Natural Consequences" and, unless it's substantially below zero, a 5 year old will not die of exposure between a Walmart and a car But.... a five year old brain is not yet acpable of doing the "OH... my being cold is a natural consequence of my choosing not to wear a coat when I left the car!" sort of reasoning.
A suggestion is "Asher, would you like to put your coat on right when we leave the car to go into the store OR would you prefer to carrry your coat with you for the first few minutes before putting it on?" Asher wants "control" (hear the deathly drum beats) so you are giving him control in the form of allowing him to make a decision for himself. Notice, the decision does not include not wearing the coat and (luckily) 5 year olds have not yet taken their SATs and tried C) None of the above.
See why I don't have kids????
(And people around here know better than to make suggestions to strangers!)
I'm so glad you stick up for yourself, and vicariously...ME! I love your observations about judging.I also liked Sheila's idea about letting him carry it until he felt cold. I think I'll try that next time I fight this battle!
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