Thursday, June 30, 2011

camper

Our resident Girl Scout Camper. And...I've never had a belly this big in my LIFE.

contractions

All day yesterday I felt like I was getting my period. I actually went to the bathroom closet, looking for a pad, and then I thought, "How could I be getting my period? I'm pregnant!"

Don't ask me what my ACT score was, please.

So, anyway, went to the doctor, no dilation, told her I had lost a glob of something, wasn't sure what it was, but could that be the mucus plug? She said it could.

Last night around 11, I just couldn't sleep. Felt contractions in my uterus and all through my back, down my legs. Drank some water, they went away. This morning, more contractions, so I've been in bed. They come back when I get up.

I know this could mean that labor would be still 3 or 4 weeks away, but it is amazing what the body does to get ready.

For anyone reading my blog of late and thinking I am complaining about being pregnant, I am, sometimes. I have alot of anxiety about it and don't really *know* how to do the hopeful expectation thing. It's completely new to me.

Scott was furiously rifling through the baby name book last night and said to me, "Hey, maybe we should actually, you know, have a PLAN for what we're doing with the other three if that happened to be the real thing."

He was so cute...asking if he should be packing a bag, sitting up with me while I ate Life Cereal at 1 in the morning, claiming he was "waiting for me to pop". 

He was sort of looking at me like a science experiment, one that he had a part in creating, but is a bit horrifyingly strange, none the less.

"Where is she going to sleep?"

"I don't have a clue."

"Maybe we should figure that out, too."

Then he started laughing that I was googling contraction information on his I-Phone, even though we have two biological kids already.

Strange world we live in.

Another ultrasound tomorrow at our favorite children's hospital, and then we get to gorge ourselves on their awesome food.

I'm going to organize everything in this house today, and...once again...sorry about all the pregnancy posts.

I guess it's just where I'm at.

So strange.

So, so strange.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

the significance of socks

Baby Girl has received her eviction notice. I cried my eyes out at the doctor's office, a good cathartic cry. I told her I'm kind of at the end of my rope, and she told me it was time to serve Baby Girl's notice.

This is becoming more and more real.

I even went to Gymboree after my Dad/Daughter date with my dad and he bought her these socks:
I know..."Socks, you say? Really?" Yes, really. I picked them up because they remind me of one of my best friends and I want Baby Girl to have some Aunt Coco fashion... and then I put them back down and picked them up again and thought, "What the hell, she's going to need socks." 

He really liked their Bumblebee line and was looking that stuff over, but it gave me the cold sweats and we were looking for something for Baby Man to wear to court, so we got that and left.

My Dad...would have bought out the whole store for me.

Thanks, Dad. Love you. Love how you love me.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

notes from 36 weeks

  • must sleep. MUST SLEEP. getting grouchy with everyone and KNOW I cannot function without it.
  • VERY annoyed this morning at the doctor's...spent 2.5 hours at Baby Man's 6 month appointment. The room we were in was hotter than hell and I opened the door and the nurse chastised me because the other nurses didn't like the noise. I thought that was pretty funny, considering I GOT TO MY APPOINTMENT 5 MINUTES EARLY and they acted like they were doing me a favor by seeing me.
  • Both kids are taking liberties with my not feeling well. Extra work for mommy.
  • Today, for girl scout camp, we're supposed to pack "a mess kit, like the ones in the camping aisle at wal mart". Once again, got this email this morning. What do you think the likelihood is of 36 weeks pregnant me, lugging a 6 month old, a 4 year old and a 6 year old to Wal-Mart to buy a mess kit she will use one night?
  • I am thinking the Girl Scout leader has one kid, and they do everything together, like Besties. Her kid will have the appropriate mess kit.
  • Mine will not.
  • You want a mess kit, lady? Come take a look at my house.
  • Doctor today told me to start letting Baby Man cry it out for his 4 am wake-up time, or else I will be the walking dead once Baby Girl gets here.
  • 9 phone messages I have yet to return. If you have called me, I am sorry.
  • Yes, generally just feeling sorry for myself. Got up every 27 seconds to go to the bathroom last night. Had a delicious pasta dinner and threw it all up.
  • Yep. Feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

stop

*originally posted 12-19-09*

The news that you were leaving was news I took well, I thought.

I prided myself on not crying over your too-small body, your too-slow heart.

I laughed when the ultrasound tech told me there was still hope. 

I turned away when she offered me a tissue. I left it there, mocking me, bouqueted and white. 

It wasn't until I was trying to form the words "hot chocolate" at the McDonald's drive-thru line that I realized I had actually forgotten how to say them. I called your father and he couldn't understand me. I thought I was having a stroke. He drove home.

I told him I was sorry for letting him down again. 

He told me I was being silly.

I told him I loved him.

It's a cold, dry-bones type of winter day. You are still making me sick, and I wonder if your heart has stopped beating yet.

My arms curl around your sister as the tears curl themselves down my cheeks. She says, "Mama, what's that wet?" "Sad," I tell her.

Questions abated, she snuggles into me and drifts off into the kind of sleep that belongs only to babies and old men.

Your dad gives me space and doesn't question the tears; feigned ignorance is his most endearing quality. He knows exactly when to employ it, and I could kiss him to pieces for it.

Your brother wonders when Handy Manny will be on.

Some day it will be me, the aunt who went through 10 years of hell to get her miracle child, consoling the niece who cannot see through her tears.

Some day, it will be me on the receiving end of emails with no subject field that read,

"Why?"

and I will know exactly what to say, and how to say it. 

Like those who have felt this pain before me, there is a knowledge that any email sent out to the sad one must include the words "alcohol" and "chocolate", and the phrase, "I don't know why, either."

It's knowledge born of experience, knowledge that can be born no other way.

I wish things weren't this way. I wish the world could find peace and that navel oranges would go for a lower price. I wish that leaves wouldn't fall so quickly right after they've been raked, and that the Rwandan orphans would all find good, solid two-parent homes, with guardians who don't have any gun permits.

In that annoying selfish way that humans have, though, my biggest wish today would be this:

That it wasn't your heart, about to stop.

anxiety

is really bad today, for a number of reasons.

I will update more later, but please pray.

Issues with Baby Man, and issues with OCD.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

hospital advice

I am putting together a "birth plan" of sorts...now how I want the birth itself to go, but how I want things to go with different relatives, photography, etc.

The last two births were um, very chaotic and unplanned, and since this is our last biological child, I do want to have some say in how things go.

So, I'm asking you: What did you love that you asked for at your children's births? What did you wish you had done differently? Who came into the delivery room when? Who took pictures? What did you bring along that you were glad you had?

fortify

We are back from vacation. I NEEDED THAT! I can breath much better down here and my bones don't ache. But man, did I need that!

I just feel like so much is up in the air right now with Little Miss' impending arrival. I don't expect her to be born breathing and kicking and, well, alive.

There, I said it.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Colorado




my cousin Luke unsuccessfully trying to feed my baby a beer
We are almost through with our trip to CO, which means that I am almost through trying to type blog posts on a BlackBerry and getting out of breath every time I take a swig of beer (kidding).

I am sooooo happy I decided to come. I flew here and it was easier than a breeze, friends. In typical Rachel fashion i have waited until the possible last minute to procure a ride home from the airport. If you're reading this and you've got a set of wheels, throw a dog a bone, would you?

***mindless baby talk/drivel ahead...bail out now if you've read all you can take. Just remember it's a tad hard to ignore when I've got baby feet pushing into my peritoneal sac 24/7***

Speaking of Rachel's proclivities for last minute, flybytheseatofherpants living, it just occurred to me today that Mr. Seventh Heaven doc could order her out any time. I'm nearing 35 weeks and it is not outside the realm of possibilities.

I don't buy baby clothes or ready a room or get pre-printed announcements. Wish I could, but that is just not me. I was slurping up copious amounts of denial with both Lucy and Asher. We literally set the crib up about 6 hours before Lu came home from the NICU. Asher got Lucy's crib when she was born and she glided seamlessly into a toddler bed, no preparation necessary.

Gosh, this is boring. I'm even boring myself, and that's kind of a feat.

Anyway, take that, Dr. Spock.

My point to all of this is that this little girl is still such an abstraction in my mind. I think it's just how I cope and I'm letting that be ok and not trying to be something I'm not.

I'm not touring the hospital beforehand as that will send me into a white-hot panic. I'll call some nurse and preregister, but that's about as good as it gets. I figure if they have a couple of scalpels at the ready I'm at the right place.

I think all of this adoption talk has me distracted from the pregnancy and vice-versa. I get all tied up in knots about it all and then I have to remember that none of this would be happening, but for the grace of God.

As the old saying goes,

There go I, but for the grace of God.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

names

SO interesting to hear the origins of your kiddos' names. I have always loved talking about names and it's definitely a bigger deal for me than it is for Scott.

He literally wanted to put 15 names into a hat, have the kids come to the hospital and pick out 5, then all 4 of us choose the name.

The name I am really feeling is in the top 10 names but I literally know one girl from our church with the name and she is a preteen.

Yes, friend who reads this blog, it's your daughter. Good name taste!

So much focus on the name because if I focus on anything else it will lead to nothing good at this point.

Who is placing bets on whether or not I can hold out for a natural birth? I knew I would get to this point and a section at 39 weeks would be sounding pretty good.

Case plan meeting on Monday (THAT should be a good mixture of Jerry Springer and Redemption). I am wondering if certain parties will even show up.

Then an ultrasound.

I really am taking bets, by the way. Winner takes all. "ALL" is a bag of gently used catheters and some mismatched socks. I keep expecting to find them in my backyard after the dryer vent blows them out, but all I find is weeds.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

name

I am catching my breath. It almost feels like things are happening too fast.

As silly as it may sound, I have been praying for the perfect name for
Baby Girl. I came up with one. Out of the blue.
Today my dad said, "How is Baby *insert baby name here* doing?"

I nearly inhaled my chicken nugget.
People, I had never said the name to anyone but Scott. I asked my dad
where he got that particular name and he said, "I don't know, it just
popped into my head, and I wanted to call her something other than
Baby Girl.
!!!!!!
The name is under wraps. Too many opinions spoil the fun.
Tell me how you "knew" your kids' names.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

OMG

Is this really happening???????

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

peri today

Big peri visit today. Pray that if I am NOT supposed to go to Colorado, something will show up with Baby Girl that will tell me so!

Otherwise, we have a good plan in place, and I DESPERATELY need the break!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

cute

Baby Chuckard looks GREAT!

She looks so much like Asher it's unbelievable.

Of course, when the sonographer stopped to look at any part (especially the bowel) in any detail whatsoever, I was sure something was wrong.

"You're a good worryer, aren't you!" the doc said a few times.

Yes, yes I am.

These are calling my name:
Actually, they're calling HER name, she just doesn't know it yet.

I am thinking of perusing the Ikea website for unique girls' names.

Ideas? We want two syllables, something that goes with the other kids' names. Something she won't have to spell for everyone.

Anxiety is still there; I'm dealing.

Will definitely post Baby Man update and pictures tomorrow.

32 weeks

We get to see Baby Girl again today.

People ask us if we have a name, and honestly, we don't. None. Zilch.

We have a list of about 20 names we plan on taking with us to the hospital.

Asher's contributions were "Chuckard", and "Alena".

Appointment is at noon so I will update afterwards. Also have updates on Baby Man.

Wish us luck!