over

Share

Yesterday Phoebe turned 5 months old.

I thought yesterday about how crazy her birthday really was.

I find it really hard to believe that I didn't think about Lucy and Asher (I didn't really even know who Phoebe was as a person yet) when all of the doctors were working over me and saying things like, "She doesn't have five minutes for an ultrasound" or "Honey, we're gonna take real good care of you, OK?"

I remember staring at the glare on the tv and thinking, "They aren't saying I'm going to be OK. I will not ask."

"This is it" kept going through my head. Not the Michael Jackson song, but the phrase.

"This is it. I'm going to die."

It wasn't even that I was afraid or panicked. It was more of a realization. I think all of that rustling and scurrying around took about 10 minutes total - but I felt like I had forever to think over my life.

Have you ever been in a car crash that you knew was going to happen? The seconds before impact feel like a drawn-out kaleidoscope of time.

We're so insulated from death. We don't see the dying all around us as some do in other countries. We don't witness the execution of our daily meals. We don't sit with dead bodies after their inhabitants have left.

Sometimes, I wish we did.

That day brought crystal clarity to me. If I want to do something, I better do it now. If I want my kids to learn something, I'd better teach them now. If I want to be nice to Scott, I'd better do it today.

If I want to stop fearing, to let go, to jump, I'd better do it now.

I remember allowing Lucy and Asher to dwell in the corner of my mind those moments when I was coding and being brought around again, and I remember thinking, "You will break down if you think about that."

So I didn't.

But now, I do. I have the luxury of thinking about it. I'm good in a crisis - I go into survival mode. But now...now? It makes me cry.

All of the birthdays I would have missed
all of the "Mommy, I'm hungry, what's for dinner?"
all of the afternoons driving up to the school in the van, smiling to myself as I see her expectant look and the smile that breaks across her face when she sees me
all of the cuddles with Asher, sitting in a messy living room while we watch tv together
all of the laughing at Archie Bunker shows with Scott
all of the lunches out with my dad
all of the times seeing the kids playing with their cousins - just thinking about my amazing family
all of the "what're you up to" phone calls with my mom
all of the "you guys can play for 5 minutes, but then you need to come inside for dinner"

My kids just got green finger paint all over the upstairs carpet. They are "making Christmas presents" out of tape (wasting it) and random ribbons they have found that I was hoping to use to make hair bows for the girls. They are so proud of themselves and the first thought I had was to get upset with them.

You know what? Not worth it. I'm going to cherish my random bits of paper and hair balls from them on Christmas morning.

We think we're going to have so many of these moments, but they can be gone in a flash.

Don't be depressed.

Just live your life.

Don't wait until it's over to wish that you had.