For some reason I'm feeling alot more anxiety around Thanksgiving.
The "holidays" have always had me seeing quite a bit of anxiety, but this year it's especially so.
I am feeling sort of at a loss for how to describe what I'm feeling.
I feel like it's just all hitting me, REALLY hitting me, what happened four months ago. Were it not for medical intervention, I would be dead.
Yesterday I took Asher to the CVS Minute Clinic to have his sinuses checked. It turns out I'm the one with the raging sinus infection. The Nurse Practitioner said that it looks like raw meat in there. Vunderbar! She gave me a prescription and I went to Costco and got it and two pumpkin pies. (Plus $90 worth of other stuff.)
I think what freaks me out about having had a hysterectomy is that I can't ever "replace" any of my children if something happened to one of them. It's a gigantic fear of loss and panic that I am not in control. It's a manifestation of inner turmoil. (Thank you, Oprah.)
One of my friends called this morning and she was in the neighborhood so I invited her over. I told her my thoughts and she said, "Rach, that is so incredibly messed up."
It is! And isn't the very first part of healing being able to: 1. voice whatever crazy thought you're having out loud and 2. admit that that thought is extremely flawed?
How could I ever replace ANY of my children? And why is it so hard to go from that "getting pregnant/miscarrying/getting pregnant/miscarrying" cycle to just normal life that doesn't revolve around my uterus?
How could I have ever thought that having another or another would have taken away who I lost before?
I really do think that's the big lie foisted upon the human soul:
"I will be happy once this occurs..."
I really have alot of "heart work" to do. Let's face it, guys, "heart work" is HARD work.
It aint easy.
So I eat cookies and blog instead.
Or maybe, in the blogging, the work's already begun.
One can surely hope.
9 comments:
Keep writing, keep searching, voice your thoughts on paper or real time, you went through a crisis and you are ok now but it was a major shock. You will be ok.
Keep doing what you are doing Rachel, processing it all and being real with yourself. Four months is not a very long time to heal from your loss of giving birth to any more sweet babies, and not to be compared to loving on sweet Phoebe who came at the same time as your loss. I am praying for you sweetie and know that God is in the middle of this and He will help you through it. Healing is happening for you right now, day by day and I am so glad you got the "messed up thinking" part out here. It is a huge part in getting through this time. Love all of the ones you are with and let them love you real good:)
Have a wonderful and peace filled Thanksgiving.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
I think there are other reasons you feel anxiety around the holidays, but I won't mention it on this. ;) OK, just trying to make you smile for a moment at the thought of what I'm hinting to!
Rach...seriously, you've been on a crazy roller coaster for years now and this summer held major trauma! Thankfully, amazing joy as well, but you're bound to continue feeling this way for a while. Do you think it's because you'll be around everyone as a group again and that hasn't happened since Phoebe's birth/your trauma? Just a thought.
Will be praying for your peace and for blessing to flow over you dear friend!! xx
yes, things can just really HIT- not at convenient times either.... and you are right about the #'s 1 & 2- or at least that is what I believe as well-
I feel honored to read your postings, as often I find something in them that I am also struggling with, but don't have the words for-so all I am left with is the cookies and a WW membership - which kinda sucks cause then I don't have cookies..... =( At least re-reading your posts doesn't cost me calories.......
I keep having to tell myself Rachel with my current situation that no I'm not in charge....I have tried to be but look where that got me!....HE is in charge and will always be.
I completely get it. This will be the first holidays I'm not recovering from a pregnancy loss or at least trying to get pregnant in four years. I'm so happy with the direction my life has taken now, but I still can't help but think of those little ones I never got to meet too...
i don' think it is really that "messed up" but that is coming from an equally "messed up" person :)
I honestly think it makes a lot of sense...there is just something about being a woman and being able to carry babies...not that we all want to have 20...but i think we would all kinda like the option. (at the same time we are some times relieved when those decisions are taken out of our hands)
I think giving something up is always easier when we CHOOSE to give it up vs. when it is TAKEN from us. The grieving is different. I don't think it's wierd to grieve what can no longer be. I agree with you that talking about how you are feeling helps. As I am explaining my thoughts and feelings to a friend,trying to put it in words and make sense of it all, I am working through them in my own mind as well. I hope that you find alot of grace as you work through your holiday/life emotions.
P.S. Your cookie-as-therapy comment reminded me of something my 4 yr old said this week. It had been a hectic, stressful day and we were driving through Chick-fil-a. I asked Ben what he wanted and he told me, "I need a coke. It helps me chill out." Yikes! Has he been reading my mind?!
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