Thursday, October 6, 2011

why don't you want to help the animals?

Yesterday was a very teary day.

I have to learn to be "ok" with sad days when they come. I sometimes fall into the trap of striving to be "happy" when I just feel sad.

I feel guilty because I think my sadness is rubbing off on my kids and they'll forever remember me as the Sylvia Plath wanna-be mom who was lying on the couch, crying into her pillow.

I feel guilty because I think of all of those older women who tell you, "Enjoy this time, they're only little once!" and I sort of want to throw paint in their hair.

Yesterday I missed Baby Man with a strange intensity. It was also strange because I was completely overwhelmed with emotion yesterday and so was Asher. We butted heads yesterday.

That child is stubborn, and I want to direct it in a positive direction. (Famous last words.)

When my sister in law and another friend called and said they were getting together with their Bible study girls and watching "Bridesmaids" and having "treats", I was standing at the edge of the driveway with Phoebe waiting for Scott to get home so I could jump in her van and make a fast getaway.

I got to meet the amazing Molly (I was actually nervous before I met her, read and go figure) and a bunch of other awesome girls. One is going to be a fellow foster mom, another had a hysterectomy so we got to talk a bit, and the others were just plain cool.

I worried about having two drinks and everyone judging me for then nursing my child. Then I figured that if my womb of doom didn't kill her, a couple'a shots of alcohol through the good old boob weren't going to do her in.

Lucy is dropping out of Girl Scouts. I don't have the energy. For their service project, they made, and get this, CHEW TOYS FOR DOGS AT THE LOCAL SHELTER. When the woman who runs it asked why we were quitting, I just told her I didn't have time. I didn't say, "Well, I sort of think that the whole Girl Scout spiel of believing in yourself and being green and worshiping the earth and making chew toys for dogs at the shelter who would rather be eating their own scat is a tad humanistic, and I don't want my kid in the organization," because I knew she'd just give me a nutters look and say, "Well, why WOULDN'T you want to help dogs?"

and then I would say, "Well, because there are thousands of babies dying every day from malnutrition."

and then she would say, "But we're all inhabitants of this planet!"

and then I would run away screaming. I have these imaginary conversations in my head all the time, you see.

Lucy's girl scout vest is going on Ebay today.


MamaFoster said...

lol, i have LOTS of those days.

Laurie in Ca. said...

I have a lot of chats just like this in my head all the time. Either we are in good company or maybe just a bit nutts:) Also, my homemade cookies absolutely smoke out the Girl Scout ones:) Just saying. You sound like you could be my daughter:)

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Sheila said...

Okay..... There are no Gluten-Free Girl Scout Cookies and Asher takes after his mommy. (Lucky little guy!)
- Nuff said!
_ Oh wait.... MY dog does NOT eat his own scat!

Jen9874 said...

I can so relate! During a season when life was particularly stressful at our house, I passed a billboard soliciting donations for a local animal shelter. It featured a close-up pic of a puppy with the tag line, "Save our pets." I felt apathetic and drove on. Surprised by my lack of sympathy and wondering if there was something wrong with my emotions, I questioned my reaction. What was going on with me??? I came to the conclusion that I had BIG issues that I was dealing with and stray pets didn't even come close to the radar! For a while, only the necessities got my attention and that was o.k.! (Actually, I "gave myself permission" to say no to ANYTHING for a whole year!(No, I can't help with ____ at church, No, I am not going to lead this or go to these mtgs, etc). I felt drained during that time. Stress/grief is draining! I knew my energy was limited and I didn't want my kids to suffer because I was doing more than I could handle. That year was a glorious break and was very helpful because it gave me perspective to see what I missed and wanted to start doing again and what had taken up alot of time but not really been necessary or a blessing and those activities ofcourse we permanently left off! I also hear what you are saying about it being hard to "savour every moment" since during these days can feel weary and sleep deprived and life pretty much feels like a blur. It sounds like you have been making alot of decisions in the last few weeks and that can be draining too. I hope things feel better as you get use to this new groove!

Cole said...

I TOTALLY have those conversations in my head!!!! Then I have to do an imaginary shake of my head to return to reality. =) I was in Girl Scouts...know they can offer great things...but as a result of my days there I have a specific aversion to forced arts and crafts activities!!


Oh my....Your last sentence just cracked me up!

reb said...

I need that vest, is it the blue one?

Alison said...

The state of Girls Scouts scares me nowadays. I don't think I'll be letting my future children join.

I'm with you 100% on those feelings! The things we do for animals, when humans are being ignored, drives me nuts sometimes.