I have to learn to be "ok" with sad days when they come. I sometimes fall into the trap of striving to be "happy" when I just feel sad.
I feel guilty because I think my sadness is rubbing off on my kids and they'll forever remember me as the Sylvia Plath wanna-be mom who was lying on the couch, crying into her pillow.
I feel guilty because I think of all of those older women who tell you, "Enjoy this time, they're only little once!" and I sort of want to throw paint in their hair.
Yesterday I missed Baby Man with a strange intensity. It was also strange because I was completely overwhelmed with emotion yesterday and so was Asher. We butted heads yesterday.
That child is stubborn, and I want to direct it in a positive direction. (Famous last words.)
When my sister in law and another friend called and said they were getting together with their Bible study girls and watching "Bridesmaids" and having "treats", I was standing at the edge of the driveway with Phoebe waiting for Scott to get home so I could jump in her van and make a fast getaway.
I got to meet the amazing Molly (I was actually nervous before I met her, read and go figure) and a bunch of other awesome girls. One is going to be a fellow foster mom, another had a hysterectomy so we got to talk a bit, and the others were just plain cool.
I worried about having two drinks and everyone judging me for then nursing my child. Then I figured that if my womb of doom didn't kill her, a couple'a shots of alcohol through the good old boob weren't going to do her in.
Lucy is dropping out of Girl Scouts. I don't have the energy. For their service project, they made, and get this, CHEW TOYS FOR DOGS AT THE LOCAL SHELTER. When the woman who runs it asked why we were quitting, I just told her I didn't have time. I didn't say, "Well, I sort of think that the whole Girl Scout spiel of believing in yourself and being green and worshiping the earth and making chew toys for dogs at the shelter who would rather be eating their own scat is a tad humanistic, and I don't want my kid in the organization," because I knew she'd just give me a nutters look and say, "Well, why WOULDN'T you want to help dogs?"
and then I would say, "Well, because there are thousands of babies dying every day from malnutrition."
and then she would say, "But we're all inhabitants of this planet!"
and then I would run away screaming. I have these imaginary conversations in my head all the time, you see.
Lucy's girl scout vest is going on Ebay today.