Saturday, October 1, 2011


I feel like I'm getting seasonal allergies and called the dentists' office because I was going to be 20 minutes late for my appointment. I took Asher and Phoebe because I do better with Asher when he's sick. Appointment was at 9:30 and we got there at 9:50. She told me she thought I was going to be 5 minutes late (what?) and they had to cancel it.

I had to gulp big breaths so I wouldn't lose it and barely made out the words, "I'll call to reschedule" before I ran out the door, lip quivering, buckling kids in the car.

I lost it approximately 3 blocks from Target.

I knew it was coming...

The UGLY cry.

People were looking over at me at the stop lights and I can't say I cared.

I parked in the Target parking lot and sobbed my guts out. Sobbing feels good. You should try it sometime. You know, the kind of cry where you can't catch your breath.

I thought of everything he did...getting him out of his crib every morning, a big grin on his face. Watching his toupee-like hair waving in the wind,

pudgy fingers smashing Cheerios at lunchtime;

his big grin whenever he saw me after visits.

I told Asher that Mommy was OK; I just miss Baby Man and needed him to give me a great big hug because he (Asher) could hug me and make me feel better. I worry about where Baby Man will end up.

I *have* to give it to God.

I still know we made the right choice but it doesn't make this any easier.

We went into Target, I tried to buy a bre*ast pump, bananas, and underwear for Asher. Got to the line, realized I didn't have my wallet.

Starting to cry again.

Came home, told my family I needed a great big *hug*.

Cried some more.

Naps this afternoon.

Crying is good.


MamaFoster said...

oh the ugly feels so good a weird weird way.

it is hard, you will miss him, but you were there for all the things you needed to be and he WILL be ok.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Oh I am so sorry sweet Rachel:( I will be praying for you and wish I could give you hugs of comfort right now. Bless your heart and know I will be praying for you. When I let myself do an UGLY CRY, it is truly ugly but I know God sees only the beauty behind the tears and loves us through.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Becky said...

I have shed my vials of tears too. He has a piece of your heart - a special piece. A special place too. After all, he was your first. How well I remember ours. They were 8 and 10 and after the first night I wondered if we had made the right decision......

Thoughts for the day said...

Grief is normal... I would worry if you didn't have it.
Pray that he is safe and that the angels of God keep him surrounded in perfect peace. You will be ok in time, for now keep a big box of kleenex with you. ((HUGS))

Jennifer said...

I can't imagine the strength it takes to let him go. Big hugs to you. <3

Jen9874 said...

A good cry in the shower while pouring your heart out to God is the best thing I know for a broken heart. I pray that God comforts you and your family as you grieve missing Baby Man.

Jess said...

Rach, I am crying now with you! I can't imagine how hard this is, I admire your strength. Will you still get to see him now that he is placed in another foster care home?

Marcy said...

Praying for you all right now.

Lindsay said...

I'm crying with you right now, too.

You're amazing and gave him so much. He will forever be affected by the peace, stability, love, and attention you gave him.

I'm glad you were able to release the emotion.

I hope God continues to shower you with peace.

Love to you,


Brooke said...

Oh man. I can only imagine how emotional you must be right now. We all know that feeling of being on the brink of a giant gushing cry and then some other human does something that seems (at the time) unthinkably inconsiderate of the secret fact that you're about to fall apart. I admire you guys so much for doing the hardest thing for the best reason. It's so healthy and compassionate of you to be rooting for birth mom , but I can't see how it could be easy. Hang in there. (That cliche has totally made you feel better, am I right? :) Yeesh. Seriously though, hang in there :)

Debbie said...

Cry all you need to. Wrapping you in the biggest cyber hug possible.