I feel like I'm getting seasonal allergies and called the dentists' office because I was going to be 20 minutes late for my appointment. I took Asher and Phoebe because I do better with Asher when he's sick. Appointment was at 9:30 and we got there at 9:50. She told me she thought I was going to be 5 minutes late (what?) and they had to cancel it.
I had to gulp big breaths so I wouldn't lose it and barely made out the words, "I'll call to reschedule" before I ran out the door, lip quivering, buckling kids in the car.
I lost it approximately 3 blocks from Target.
I knew it was coming...
The UGLY cry.
People were looking over at me at the stop lights and I can't say I cared.
I parked in the Target parking lot and sobbed my guts out. Sobbing feels good. You should try it sometime. You know, the kind of cry where you can't catch your breath.
I thought of everything he did...getting him out of his crib every morning, a big grin on his face. Watching his toupee-like hair waving in the wind,
pudgy fingers smashing Cheerios at lunchtime;
his big grin whenever he saw me after visits.
I told Asher that Mommy was OK; I just miss Baby Man and needed him to give me a great big hug because he (Asher) could hug me and make me feel better. I worry about where Baby Man will end up.
I *have* to give it to God.
I still know we made the right choice but it doesn't make this any easier.
We went into Target, I tried to buy a bre*ast pump, bananas, and underwear for Asher. Got to the line, realized I didn't have my wallet.
Starting to cry again.
Came home, told my family I needed a great big *hug*.
Cried some more.
Naps this afternoon.
Crying is good.