Friday, October 14, 2011

Dear Baby Man

Dear Baby Man,

It's still strange not having you here. I had to have all of your "gear" put away right away. I couldn't look at it.

Asher wonders why you aren't in his room any more, and I think of funny things you'd do and say that would make us all laugh. Then you'd laugh harder.

I wonder when we'll get a call again. We are going to do respites for now, unless a call for an older child (3 - 5) comes and it sounds like a good fit for our family.

At Costco on Thursday I saw some Carter's three-piece outfits for only $7.99. I instinctively grabbed one in your size, realized what I was doing, and put it back.

I cried all the way home.

Someone told me I need to get to the doctor to get some antidepressants. I don't think you need antidepressants for crying. Crying feels good. You, as a baby, knew that. :)

I don't think you always need to pop a pill just for being *sad*, you know? I'm just sad. I miss you.

There are awesome, happy moments in our home, too. Today the kids and I are going to an inflatables place and they're going to bounce around while I sit on a couch and read and write letters. If you were there I wouldn't be able to do that, because I'd be chasing you all around. See, we're still happy and having fun. I know you are, too:

Sometimes you just have to feel the sad, and not worry about other people not understanding. You'll learn this in life.

Sometimes you just have to hold on, love, and let go. You'll feel an undercurrent, equal parts grace and solace. And I hope you always know that it's God who is giving you those things, and the roots we gave you for nine months.

I hope it mattered.


marcia said... mattered!
And being able to express your sadness with tears is a very good thing, Rach. Good. Natural. Healthy. I think you will know ( or Scott or someone else very close to you will) if you have crossed that invisible line and need something else. But for now, those tears are cleansing..and really a gift. You are enjoying the present and looking forward to the future and whatever lies in it... If tears are not a part of a healthy woman's arsenal of coping mechanisms, then I am totally screwed and most people have been kind enough not to tell me so :)

TiAnna Mae said...

That time definitely mattered! It's good to get your emotions out.

Thoughts for the day said...

It is ok to be sad, and miss him. He is in your heart, and will be there for a long time. Let yourself feel it.

MamaFoster said...

very very very few will understand. raising a child for nine months and then having them leave is sad. no matter what the reasons.

Renee said...

Well... I guess I needed a good cry too... Wow. That was awesome. Thanks so much for sharing...

Cole said...

Of course that time mattered, Rach and of course you miss him...he made just as much of an impression in your heart as you did his. Those tears definitely seem a natural part of the process. I think it's good to *feel* things rather than numbing to them. As Marcia said above, Scott would know if something else were going on! =)

Molly said...

Love you girl. You are a kind and brave person with a good heart. XOXO