Wednesday, May 25, 2011

approval

This first picture is me with Lucy at 35 weeks. I am in the middle. The other picture is me now at 31 weeks. So strange, the differences in the way each pregnancy carries. Apparently Asher didn't think I needed a head in that shot.




I have been thinking alot about my fears surrounding this pregnancy, and the base one is that if something were to go wrong, people would all look at me, be watching me, and I'd have this tremendous pressure from people to "perform" or to "find some hope in it" or some other such nonsense. I am realizing that the majority of my anxieties are driven around the need to please other people, or the need for other people to see that I am doing OK.

I don't even know if this makes sense, but I need to write this down. I need to acknowledge that, no matter what happens in my life, I am strong enough to handle whatever comes my way, with the help of God. I don't need to live each day on pins and needles, waiting for the horrible to happen. I can relax, enjoy what God has for me, and let others' expectations fall to the wayside...or, at least, what my perception of others' expectations of me is.

I know that on this blog I open myself up to alot of criticism and opinions. That's just a part of having a blog. I enjoy being able to get my voice out there, even if it is on a very limited basis. That's fine with me. As a human, it's just nice to be heard.

What's not nice is the feeling I have that everyone is watching, waiting for something to go wrong, waiting for me to be on my back again, struggling to make sense of something. When you've lived the past 3 years going from one crisis to the next, it's hard NOT to be in crisis mode.

I just don't know what to do with it, but I am grateful for it.

I don't know how to explain it any better than that.

I've been so worried about whether or not I should go on this Colorado trip, whether or not I should have an early (39 weeks) c-section or wait it out and try a VBAC, whether or not I should do the weekly testing at the perinatologists'. But again, at the end of the day, none of this is up to me.



It's parts terrifying, and parts freeing. It's hard to rest there, but I know I must. As a good friend pointed out, this baby girl's days are numbered, and I can rest in that knowledge. God knows, I don't. It's so easy for us to think we have the plan down, isn't it?

I am working on getting through the days, enjoying feeling her move, taking care of the three other little munchkins who need lots of care and attention.

I guess I just needed to write it out there...how much I seek others' approval, how much I fear their rejection (even to the point of thinking, "If something goes wrong, I will lose my friends, they are tired of my sorrow.")

What a dumb lie, straight from the evil one himself.

So, there you have it.

I'm working on living life a day at a time, just like everyone else does, and taking each day for what it's worth. Pregnancy is, without a doubt, the hardest time for me.

8 more weeks seems like an eternity, but...

I suppose Rome wasn't built in a day.

8 comments:

LucyLu said...

I love your honesty. I can't imagine the pressure you feel with thinking (knowing?) that other people really are waiting to see how you will react. I suppose that shows how strong you have been in the past. I know my situation is different from yours, but if I let myself, I can get consumed with "What is God planning for this new baby that I don't want to deal with?" I have heard so many times that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I think in fact sometimes He does give us too much. However, when it IS too much for us, it is not too much for Him, and when we rely on Him, we can handle whatever situation we face. As for who is watching, I know you have amazing friends who are only watching for ways to help, if you need it. Anyone else isn't worth your time. Eight weeks? I should be so lucky. I sliced sweet potatoes today and thought they looked like slices of cheese...

Salome Ellen said...

Just for perspective: Although of course there are wackos out there, I promise you that most of us who read this blog are rooting (and praying) for you to have a healthy rest of pregnancy, a healthy and safe delivery (whenever, however) and a healthy baby. Oh, and the ability to ignore the wackos.

Alisa said...

I love ya. You're a beautiful prego lady.

TiAnna Mae said...

Your feelings are SO valid right now! But like you said, just try to focus on you, your family, and the new baby to come. I've contemplated the next time I get pregnant not even telling anyone, but that would be very difficult considering the fact that I usually start showing the first day. My prayers are with you, every morning, Rach! (or just about every morning, SMILE!)
tiannamae.blogspot.com

marcia said...

just for the record....I'm going to be here praying and cheering you on, regardless of what decisions you make, or any outcomes that result from those decisions. I know that you will take into account the full knowledge base that you have, and the God-given instincts and insights you have been given. And you have also come to the realization that YOU really aren't in control of anything, anyway. So just do your best to enjoy the next eight (or whatever) weeks to the fullest, in whatever way you and Scott deem best! Love you, Rach!

Kiki said...

No matter what happens, I will still be your friend and read your words. I pray that everything goes perfectly, exactly the way God has planned. You, my friend, are a great mama, a great friend, a great foster mama, and a great wife. God I'd good all the time!

Kether said...

so close....

My C is four weeks from Monday!

The 8 weeks will go fast!

Expat Mom said...

Well, I, for one, am not waiting for something to go wrong, I'm cheering for you from afar and eager to "meet" your latest addition.
My oldest, born with IA also, recently had emergency surgery for a bowel obstruction caused by adhesions. It was his fourth surgery, horrible, terrifying and awful and while I was in the hospital, I read your blog and felt better because there's someone else out there who knows what it's like to go through this stuff (he was my miracle baby after three losses). So, yes, writing opens you up to criticism, but it is also insanely supportive to many people, so thanks for that.