Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Monday, November 29, 2010

worth 1000 words

This is how I feel after meeting with our caseworker. LOVE. HER.

We've got a few more things to fix/change on the house, and then she sends in our paperwork.

She told us, "Yes, you'll need the supplies for whatever child comes your way. For example, if I call you to come pick up a newborn at the hospital, you need to have the crib already set up."

I could do that.

I mean, I could set up a crib. Or, I mean, Scott could set up the crib.

I could pick up a baby from the hospital.

EEEEEEK!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

in my head

A friend asked me at church if I'd been writing and she just wasn't seeing it. I told her no, I hadn't been writing much lately.

I'm trying to figure out why, and I think I've figured it out. It's not that there isn't anything to write. It's that there's too MUCH to write. I go to the computer to write it all out, everything that's in my head, and nothing is there. Nothing coherent. It's all muddled and congealed and...nothing.

I guess I don't have as much to write in seasons of hope as I do in seasons of sorrow.

Licensing appointment with our new social worker from the new agency tomorrow night. Very excited about that.

Other has been happening, too, but now is not the time to share it.

So, I guess we just have a bit of boringness on the ol' blog.

but oh, if you could know half of what was in my head...(and some of you do)

Monday, November 22, 2010

couldn't make it up

I am selling something on Craig's List and a guy responded and said he wants to look at it. He wants to look during the day and can't look at night. I always use Scott's name so they think they're talking to a man, but I googled this dude's name and someone with his name popped up on a "wanted" page for my state.

I really couldn't make this stuff up.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I HATE YOU

Thursdays are always hectic, but this Thursday especially so.

Kiki talked a few posts back about doing what's best for your kids, not pushing them to do this, this and that because you want them to. I should have taken direction from the Kiki playbook.

Lu was clearly exhausted but I took her AND her brother to the school skate party, against my better judgement. I plan them so I wanted to be there.

She screamed bloody murder out on the rink, and Asher had his skates on for about 22 seconds before he decided he needed to play many games of Skee ball.

Picture us:

Me, telling Lu we've got to go. Lucy, screaming at the top of her lungs, trying to kick me, telling me I DO NOT WANT TO GOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! making me want to melt into the carpet. Asher, dociley following all the way. Talk about role reversal.

We get out to the car, literally, all eyes were on us as we departed...her screams deafened the electric slide.

We get to the car and she said, "I don't like you any more. You're a terrible mommy. This skate party was STUPID."

I SO wanted to look in the rearview mirror and say, "Say it, Lu...just get it over with. I HATE YOU MOM!"

She is now sobbing in her room.

Ah, that tiny little body, hair in the side pony tail, hands on her hips.

Someday I will look back on this story with a grin. Tonight, I just need a good book and a Diet Coke.

Monday, November 15, 2010

1982

left to right...my cousin, Amy, me in her lap, my cousin Tyler, my brothers Daniel, Michael, and Nathan. You can kind of tell by the way I am dressed that my mom was excited about a girl after three boys.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

warmth

I haven't been writing much of substance lately because words, like air, are quickly lost when dispersed...it's hard to gather a bunch of air back into a lung. The same with words, I suppose. Sometimes, they're too fresh or hard or angry or edged in sorrow to share.

I was talking with a new friend about the nature of love, how love always leaves us wanting more. How, when death takes someone we love, it also takes away our stability of thought. It takes away all opportunity for us to be stoic. It leaves us completely grounded, unaware that our dreams our gliding up, up into the sky and away from our core.

I don't even know if I'm making sense, and I don't think I really care. I do know that when a death occurs, when a dream is dead, the soul must do its own sort of stock-taking. And when the soul does this, when we do this, sometimes other voices have to be shut out. Sometimes the only thing we want to scream is, "Quiet!"

I've had friends announce to the outside and online world that they're taking a break...unplugging. It's not that they don't care, it's that they care too much...it's hard to watch from the outside...to see human interactions you wish you had...to feel you're just outside of the firelight's warmth.

If you're one of those people, no matter your loss, just remember that sometime, somewhere soon, you'll feel that warmth again.

It's OK to be cold for awhile.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

funny in craigslist land

Looking on Craigslist today (bought a table and sold another one), had to share some ads I got a kick out of.

"Kitchen Aid mixer, red. $150. price FIRM. reasonable offers accepted."
I thought the price was firm?

"round dining table and 4 chairs. asking $300, and won't go below $200."
ummm...why would I ever pay you $300, if you just said you'd take 200?

pictures to come of my tables!

Friday, November 12, 2010

can't wait

You're never far from my thoughts.

Are you swimmin' around in some other Mama's tummy?

Sitting at a dinner table, newly two years old?

Sometimes my arms ache to hold you, NOW. I want you, NOW. We all do. We all miss you, a part of our family we know is essential to the whole.

Is your skin light or dark?

Are your eyes azure blue or deepest coal?

Who are you?

Where are you, right now?

One thing I know...

I'm your mom.

Yes, me. I'm your mom.

I can't wait.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

poignant

Last night I helped the last little boy (picture the kid from Jerry Maguire, only black and 9,857 times cuter) call his mom because she forgot to pick him up from our Good News Club.

As I waited, another mom approached me and thanked me for being the part of the team that brings God's good news to the public schools. She told me her son really loves the classes and has learned so muh.

I gotta tell you, this in and of itself was so great to hear because, though I know the Bible says that usually the reward is eternal, the fields are plenty but the workers are few, etc., it felt nice to know that our efforts were being appreciated in the here and now. (Call me fleshly and worldy, I'll wait.)

so, anyway.

This woman started talking about how she adopted her youngest three from the foster care system and that one of her very good friends heads an agency in town.

"Which agency?" I asked. She said, "Well, it's called *&(...and I said, "Wow, that's the agency we're signing on with!"

chills, anyone?

She told me she was going to call her friend tomorrow and see if the process could be expidited at all. She also told me about her twin boys who were adopted when they were 2 months old, and her daughter who was adopted when she was 3 months.

God? Did you orchestrate that?

These last few weeks have been a bummer. Waiting for the call from the agency that our files are transferred, not getting it.

Then, after my day of general moaning and self-pity, I got the email that said our files had finally arrived to the new agency.

So, I guess this moment today in the rain was utter serendipity.

And also, I have a new prayer request:

Could you pray that we could have a child by Christmas? This is my new request. God wants us to make our requests known...and even though I occasionally use a 4 letter word, I hope that still applies to me.

A friend sent me an email about how God uses the waiting time, the time when we think we're screaming at a big deaf God ear, to enact his purpose and His plan.

Did I tell you about the full week of Scott sending fax after fax to the agency, they receiving none of them? Who was intercepting them? Why weren't they coming?

Was it just another one of those, "This isn't the right timing, we've got to make this draw on a little longer so they get that perfect child?"

Who knows, but it gives me goose bumps.

I could test for pregnancy in about 3 days. Wouldn't THAT be a trip.

Either way, we're not in control. Jason's recent death has taught me that. I'm all for embracing everything life has to offer, for jumpin in with both feet even though I Have no clue what the outcome is going to be.

So, here I am.

Child by Christmas, I am believing it, praying for it. Praying for another little stocking on the fireplace, a little heart who hasn't had a full meal or a new pair of shoes or a hug and kiss good night to join us in our Christmas traditions.

Pray with me?

how wide

I received news about a week ago that a friend from college passed away unespectedly after a mysterious lung illness.

He was 29.

How can it be? How can it?

Jason was one of those people who did light up a room. I know lots of times people say that, post-mortem (am I really writing the word "post-mortem" in the same sentence as Schippers?), but for him, it was true. I don't believe in auras and all that, but if Jason had one, it would have been bright, green or yellow, maybe, magnetizing everyone towards him. He was just like that.

My friend Lisa and I would go and visit him in his dorm room...I remember one time when I'd broken up with one of those ill-famed internet dates from match.com, and he told me, "Well, he was just a f*cker anyway."...something along those lines...he had me laughing so hard I was crying.

Jason was popular. Really popular. High school is college's spring board, so there were definitely still cliques at our small liberal arts college. He knew most people by name. It was always interesting to me to watch him interact, too. He wouldn't just talk, he'd *engage*.

He'd grab you by the nutsos and have you rolling in laughter with whatever story he was telling. He had a cocky walk, too. I loved that about him. Usually he was running...he loved his cross country team brothers, but when he walked, you knew he was going somewhere.

And most people wanted to go where he was going.

He'd always make my friend Lisa and I HOWL with laughter. We both remembered one specific time where he was pretending to *ahem* give oral pleasure to a spoon, and then he commenced choking on it. We were literally laughing so hard we were crying.

Schippers was always honest...he always told people what they needed to hear regardless of whether or not they wanted to hear it.

Jason was a good dresser...he was always animatedly telling stories...he never forgot names. Remember, Schippers, how I always asked you where you got your shirts? Always long-sleeved, but the sleeves rolled up? You'd laugh and tell me you had your sources. Always winking, too. Loved it.

The one thing that I'll always remember about you, though, is your heart. Your heart was so big. "so big" is an understatement. You were never one of those people who got his laughs at other peoples' expense. That wasn't how you rolled, and, looking back, I think it's what made you so endearing - so magnetic.

It's a rare person who can make you comfortable without putting anyone else out of their place.

I walked with the kids today to the playground right behind our house, a part of my heart on the sidewalk, or at least somewhere deep down, not where it was supposed to be. I think of all those who loved him, who held him, who got to be touched by his life, and I started thinking about the width of a person. How wide is the space left by a person when he goes?

Two mack truck parking spaces...that's the space left. A huge, empty, aching void. And of course, there's the regret. Jason and I didn't keep up with each other after college. When I'd read about all he'd been up to over the course of the last 9 years, regret surged, and surged, and surged. A feeling of panic, too.

"How can a person ever know she's doing enough? Let those around her know how much she loves and cares?"

And to that, I think Jason would have said, and rightly so... "let it go, life is more important than regret..."

and then he would have said something so funny everyone would have spit out their drinks.

And if this tells you anything, there was a disco ball at his wake.

Farewell, Schippers. I'll always remember your kindness.

And in some small way, I hope to make your memory a part of my every day...taking a little bit longer to read my kids stories, or share in a funny joke with my husband...

remembering you, and how you always said something so funny we'd all spit out our drinks.

I've got some photos of us at the bowling alley...remember doing the electric slide????

I'll never forget those memories.

Peace Out, Boyscout.
-Swanny

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Asher

Last night Ashy was up into the night with croup. I tried everything: hot water on the stove with some menthol mixed in for steam, taking him outside, sticking his head in the freezer, putting the bath water on hot and creating steam that way.

It made me realize how we will do anything for our children, to make sure they are safe and loved. None of those things was making it any better for him until finally Scott looked it up online and found that we could give him some Tylenol and it would make the inflammation in his airway less. He finally fell into a fitful sleep around midnight.

I was feeling guilty because earlier in the night I got upset with him for:

1. completely squeezing out my new tube of Carmex and rubbing it all over the kid-sized recliner in his room, the walls, and floor (I even used a coupon for it and was excited to have lip balm undefiled by childrens' lips and slobber)
2. Holed himself up in the closet and ate 3 packages of fruit snacks meant for Lucy's classmates for a special day for her at school.
3. Tore open the package of crafts meant for Lucy's Christmas party at school
4. Did it all in the closet, knowing he was doing something wrong.

I got so upset with him...and later, when Scott came home and I asked Asher to explain what he had did wrong, and he was trying to avoid being caught, Scott had to turn away and laugh...and then I realized how silly I was being. When I saw the situation through the prism of an outsider's perspective, I knew it wasn't a big deal. It's just that sometimes we deal with behaviors all day...and by the end of the day, I am worn.

But then, as I was watching him struggle for breath (he gets croup every fall), I had this thought: "What if he doesn't wake up in the morning and the last memory you'll have is of you getting upset with him for silly things?"

Then the guilt set in.

I had to rebuke it.

I had to tell myself that this exhaustion is all part of being a mother. The guilt is a part of it, too...but just like I've learned in dealing with OCD, you have to have the thought and then let it go. You can't let it hold you captive.

I have guilt, too, for not feeling like I'm paying enough attention to Scott.

Good thing he is REALLY low-maintenance.

No clever ending here; just wanted to post this story before I forget it. We watched Toy Story 3 last night and of course I choked up when little boy goes off to college.

It's just all part of life, isn't it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

not saying anything

So...today I went to MOPS to hear a friend talk about the loss of her son and how it changed her. She did such a GREAT job and it was so awesome to hear her speak about it...almost a year to the day.

Sitting there, though, I couldn't help but feel out of place. Is it something I put on myself? Why do I not like MOPS? A lady at our table asked, "So you're still eligible for MOPS, right?" and I mumbled something about being busy...which is kind of true, but if I really wanted to make time for it, I would.

I just don't want to. I mean, who cares, really, that Rachel doesn't want to make time for MOPS?

All the new babies there, the announcer saying that having "too many babies was a good problem to have", sort of made me want to vomit. I mean, I know that's a good problem, but it's not necessarily MY problem.

How did I go to having so much peace and hope last week to...well...this?

I found out a friend from college died unexpectedly..I think that's turned the world slightly off-kilter for me...I mean, if anyone was "full of life", it was Jason...how is he gone?

I really had to pick Lucy up at 11:10 from kindergarten but I left at 10:20 because, well, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

A birth announcement in the mail, 2 online, and one on the phone yesterday. And Scott asked me last night what was wrong...I said, "I just need time to myself", which was true.

I am much better today but still just wish this longing would go away. I don't like it. It's annoying. Kind of like my whining.

Off to enjoy the beautiful fall weather.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

waiting

It's a cold morning and the kids are downstairs watching their morning weekend Spongebob. Scott is sleeping and here I sit.

One of the reasons I quit facebook in the first place was because it felt to me like every time I logged on I was reading about someone else's "happy ending", and it just made me sad. Not for them, but for me...and honestly, I was tired of the pity party when I have a great extended family, awesome husband, two healthy kids waiting for me to play with them. So, that's the major reason I quit.

Every time I go blog hopping I'll find myself going from a happy mood to a sad one. Same way it was with facebook. And sometimes I feel like it's that way with my own blog...like maybe it's served its purpose?

Who am I kidding...I'll keep it, but just some thoughts to ponder.

As we move in a different direction and are in this season of waiting, it is sometimes just hard to feel like we're the only ones waiting.

I know Satan wants us to think that or to be discouraged when that's definitely not true, and I know I need to just buck it up and wait, but that's how it feels today.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

politics

I really try to stay away from politics on the ol' blog, but I just couldn't stay away...

http://www.therightscoop.com/glenn-beck-happy-days-are-here-again?ref=nf

what it is

When I can't control the *big* things in life, I tend to really overfocus and obsess about the little things. I don't know if that's a characteristic of OCD, or if it's just the way my brain works.

Files are still transferring from one adoption agency to another...we're just in a holding pattern.

Some days are good, I'm fine waiting, and some days I get annoyed with the wait.

It is what it is, right?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

already there

In these days of uncertainty, in these days of living in the moment, in these days of watching my son in a Spiderman costume, walking through the dark, tripping 4 times because he can't see anything because of the mask he is wearing (MAN I LOVE AGE 3!!), I think of this quote:

"We need not fear tomorrow. God is already there."
-Anonymous

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

no gender difference at all

Lucy, playing with a friend:

"What do you want to do?"

"Well, we could play house or we could cook or we could do play doh or we could go outside. How about you? Did you see that Strawberry Shortcake on tv who also bakes a cake?"

"Yeah! My mom wants to let me have it but my dad sayd sI should wait until Christmas because that is what you do, wait until Christmas. How many days away is Christmas, anyway? Did you know my class is having a Christmas party and my mom is doing the party for us?"

"My mom is doing our party, too and my little brother was going to come along but he screams so he will stay at home. Wow, that dress looks so pretty on you. You look like princess Annika in that Barbie movie."

*****************

Asher playing with a friend:

***organizing Matchbox cars next to each other, completely silently, for 2 hours***

"Hey, Asher, are you hungry?'

"Mmmm hmmmm."

"OK."
***Both run out of the room to the kitchen***