Saturday, October 30, 2010

control

The next two days of truth are about people who have slipped from my life, or people I wish I didn't know. Really? Not going to be that honest here. :)

Let's talk about uterine polyps.

My doc thought I might have some, so she did a sonogram and there was something that appeared to be one. They can cause miscarriage and infertility. Then, a few days later, when another one was done, there was nothing to be seen. So, they didn't fill my uterus up with saline and take pictures like they were planning to, just to make sure it was a polyp before they did surgery.

The thing I don't like about this whole scenario is that it gave me hope that maybe there is a chance we could have another biological child...when only a few posts back I wrote that that going to a friend's sonogram did not make me desire to have another child that way. But I do have to admit that going to my doctor and hearing there might be another explanation was good...and then having that explanation taken away was bad...

Our foster/adopt situation is still continuing; we are just waiting for files to be transferred to the agency we will be working with.  It's nice to be sort of at a lull at present.

I guess there is a part of me that doesn't know if we are done having biological children.

We're open to either.

I'm not silly enough to think we've got any of it in our control, anyway.

Friday, October 29, 2010

why I don't have a Facebook account

Oh, my. Julie has done it again. I laughed so hard I cried.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 08. Someone who has made your life hell.

I wouldn't say it's someone that has done this, I'd say it is someTHING...

and that something is FEAR.

For as long as I can remember, fear has been lurking in the corner, convincing me that I can't just relax and enjoy life because as soon as I do, the other shoe will drop. It's a message from Satan himself (yes, the Bible talks alot about there actually being a BEING named Satan, not an allegorical representation of evil that many would like to believe).

In these last 2 years I've come to the realization that the fear that was sitting on my shoulders is not something I need to feed. I remember when Lucy was about 6 months old, I was in a Goodwill store, looking around, and I saw the cutest Halloween costume for her.

I wouldn't let myself buy it for her, because what if she died of SIDS and then I had this reminder of what "would have been"? It would have been too painful and so I didn't buy the outfit.

And then I went back and bought it.

My mind has been trending toward this place of peace, of knowing I don't have ultimate control and never have. I can love, and live, and laugh, knowing that the only thing I am responsible for is loving and living and showing others' Christ's love (my immediate family being the priority), and the fear can go and have its own party, with itself.

I went to the doctor a few days ago for that fun annual woman exam and ended up having an ultrasound to check for something she thinks might be up. Still haven't gotten the results, results that could actually indicate the reasons for the miscarriages. Or, I could get results indicating some sort of cancer.

And yet?

Here I sit. It's peace. It's not denial, it's peace. I'm happy.

Hear that? I'm HAPPY.

Blessedly happy.

Today I organized the party for Lucy's fall class. It was so much fun. Yesterday I got her all to myself, as the grandparents had taken Asher, and we got to just sit and talk at Chick fil A, mother to daughter. I just LOVED it. I LOVED being there, loved not having anything else to do, nothing else pressing (well, there were things, but I ignored them, because 5 year old girl is too cute to be ignored).

No foster kids yet, no pregnancy morning sickness, time and space that allow me to give each of the kids more attention.

It's a blessed season.

I am getting better at saying "no", at not having to be running around like a chicken with my head chopped off, every hour of the day. It's not worth it to me. What IS worth it is Scott, and Lucy, and Asher, and my neighbors and friends and people who "fill my tank" and allow me to be the person I want to be.

Over and over again she said, "Mom? This day is the best ever."

I took her to Target and let her pick out a toy...she chose the zebra up top, and after that, we went to Starbucks and I splurged and bought her 8 ounces of organic soy milk that cost half of what a regular gallon costs.

Splurging is fun, and I know she'll remember these days.

I've been seeing glimpses of God's renewing work in my life...seeing how I am able, at this juncture, to give each of my kids more attention than if I had more children at this moment.

I am just content. It was glorious to help with Lucy's party, to be in the "teacher" role again, and then to bring her home and play games and have a good afternoon together.

Tonight, as I scratched Asher's back as he fell asleep, he said, "You're just my cozy lovey."

Does it get better????? Really?

So, uterine issues, switching adoption agencies, the stresses of home refinances and doctor's appointments...

Even through all of these things, I feel the current of joy, of contentment, of peace.

Fear is no longer welcome.

I am happy.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 08. Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I think this one is kind of lame. I mean, if I name a person, then that implies that my life wasn't worth living, just as it was. That I needed someone else to live it for.

So, I'm going to write about something else. I'm going to write about crayons.

Do you ever just want to buy a new box of crayons, even though you're 31 and have no reason to? I mean, come on, there's no better smell in the world than a fresh new box of crayons, sharpener in the back and at the ready.

The other night I sharpened all of Lucy's crayons while watching television, just for something to keep my hands busy.

Speaking of day 08's topic, the song I chose for Scott and I's wedding dance is sort of along the same lines. I listened to it then and I thought it was sweet.

I listen to it now and I think it sounds like a stalker singing. Scott claims he felt that way then, but apparently he didn't feel the need to ruin my plans for our wonderful wedding dance.

Here, judge for yourself. I mean, why didn't I just stick him in a suitcase and get it over with?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 06. Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 05 deleted for privacy reasons. If you got to read it, yes, my mom is cool.

So. Something I hope I never have to do.

1. Hear the words, "You have cancer."
2. Bury my husband or my children.
3. Tell my daughter that having biological children may be an impossibility for her. (We've already started those conversations, attempting to make adoption seem the most normal thing in the world.)
4. Watch someone I love succumb to the ravages of a brain-wasting disease like Parkinsons, Huntingtons or Alzheimers.
5. Watch someone lose their dignity.
6. Watch Barack Obama win a second term in the white house (although, it may cause a great wall-color change like it did last time.)
7. See a dead or sick baby on an ultrasound screen (mine or anyone else's).

And yet, were any of these things to happen, I was reminded yesterday in church that this life is an eye-blink. What we do here matters...oh, yes, it matters...but in the light of Christ, in the light of His redeeming work in us and through us?

There should be no fear. No fear, and only hope.

More and more these days, I am trending toward hope.

I want that for you. Don't believe for a minute that this world is all there is. Do not hold too tightly to your desires, for in the end, if they are your god, they will destroy you. House, car, children, health, spouse, job, it can all be gone in an instant. More and more of these things will not make you happy. Don't believe the lie.

There is no time for fear, for  He is MY God. And He can be yours, too, if you let Him.

and suddenly, what you want begins to pale... and you realize that NOTHING on this earth will give you the serenity that He can, and a peace will cover you like a down blanket.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.        John 14:27

I want that for you.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 04. Something I need to forgive others for.

I sat last night with a blank screen in front of me, trying to figure out what to write. I couldn't figure it out so I didn't write anything.

I'd say that the thing I struggle to forgive others for, in general, is their lack of compassion...their obtuseness in the face of someone else's pain.

Even if this is, you know, the jerk stealing the parking spot from someone who was obviously blinking and waiting for it, or running someone over to get into the store because you just "have" to get that loaf of bread. I get annoyed when I'm out in public and see people acting stupid.

If you'd asked me a year ago, I think it would be, "I have to forgive others for their lack of understanding over my situation, over what it's like to continually miscarry," but I feel like I've been able to grow in positive ways through those experiences and, honestly? That doesn't bother me any more. I mean, sure, sometimes I feel that way, but it's not all-consuming like it used to be.

In the past, I had to forgive others for their insensitive comments... "You must just have something wrong with your body," ... "Just be happy with the two you have," ... "Well, sometimes things just aren't meant to be," ... "God has His reasons..."

really? If you ever think about saying these things to someone, DON'T.

So, that is, I think, where I am...I just have to forgive others for being HUMAN, like me, for being rude when they didn't have to be. I am reminded last week of when an elderly woman punched her steering wheel because she didn't like that I was in her way, so I did it back. See? I didn't need to do that. Maybe her husband just died and that is why she was being rude. Maybe her body hurts all over. Maybe I didn't need to be a jerk.

I LOVE this...perfect example:

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Day 03. Something I have to forgive myself for.

I have a hard time forgiving myself. If someone is unhappy I tend to think it's because of something I did.

This is magnified 100 times when you have a family, or are raising one. If someone in my family is unhappy I always assume it's my fault. Silly.

So, sometimes it's as simple as needing to forgive myself for not meeting everyone's every need...not feeling like I'm enough of a mom, enough of a wife, enough of a friend. If I can get the wife and mom thing done, I feel like that's enough for that day... because in this stage of life, all of the rest has to go by the wayside sometimes.

There are other things, but I'm too tired and, let's face it, there's a comfy couch, a candle, a quiet house, and an awesome book calling my name. (This is my third time reading it and I am still not tired of it. I'm not one to re-read books.)

A psychologist would probably have a hay day with the fact that one of my favorite books of all time is about a home birth gone disastrously wrong.

It's just good fiction.

The end.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 02. Something I love about myself.

I love my personality. I love that I have the ability to walk into a room and connect with anyone. I think I have a fun personality (albeit weird and quirky), and I make friends easily and will have people telling me their life story in the grocery checkout line.

I like my compassion for people...the fact that I remember to thank service men and women, that I hold the door open for little old ladies, that I ALWAYS say thank you to servers in restaurants. Too many people forget those things. I guess you'd call that empathy.

Life would be not so good without the connections we make with others.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

day 01. Something I hate about myself.

I am participating in the 30 days of truth, which is something my awesome friend Korin is doing and I wanted to do it, too.

An exercise in honesty. I can't go 4 hours on this blog without honesty, eh?

Something I hate about myself:

Indecisiveness. I can't make a decision and stick with it. It drives me crazy. I will stand in the baby wipe aisle at Target, trying to figure out which wipe is the most for my money. Once I've decided on that, I wonder if I go for the wipe I like best or the one that's the cheapest. And then I wonder to myself, "Do we really need wipes? We could always just wet washcloths and wash them in the washing machine. But what about when I am wiping turds off of things? That may be gross."

And there I am, 10 minutes later, still wondering about the wipes.

And huge decisions? Forget it. I hate making big decisions because there's SO.MUCH.RESPONSIBILITY. weighing on me.

This is probably why I married someone like Scott, who can make a decision and stick with it. LOVE that about him.

Thank you, Scott.

what you think

It's come to my attention that, while I love having a blog, I don't love:

1. People thinking that I am all angry and sad all the time, from what they read me posting. But if I look at the things I have written, I see that what a friend told me is true: "I actually have to convince friends of mine who read your blog that you aren't really as sad as you sound...that there are many facets to you!"

There have been more than a couple of times when someone will come up to me at church and say, "Wow, sounds like you need a hug!" or, "I'm sorry things are so rough right now!" and I will truly scratch my head and think, "What are they talking about?"

Oh, the blog! They think I'm all depressed because of the blog!

I am not depressed, I'm actually quite happy. I've been quite happy for a long time. The minute I have a sad/distressing thought, the blog is where I go. The negative side of that is that if you only know me from my blog, you only know a very small side of me. Do I want that "perception" to be all people see of me?

2. I cannot tell you the number of friends that know all about my life when I know nothing about theirs. It annoys me, really. I have written alot, and I have written honestly, too honestly. And in doing that, I have opened myself and my family up to unwarranted opinions and also unwarranted drama. Time to quit that. It annoys me that someone can know, by clicking a button, what I am up to, what is going on with our lives, without even having to contact me. I really can't do the same.

Do I like living in a fish bowl?

Answer: no.

3. Alot of the decisions we've made/are making are very personal, and sometimes I just plain share too much. Just plain share too much of things that are too sacred with anyone who cares to drop on by and read them.

So, in closing, I'm still going to blog, but in a different key. I'll blog in the key of happy, the key of  "wow, this is something funny I observed today". I don't enjoy being like that accident on the highway everyone slows down to stare at, then drives on down the road.

I am NOT that accident. I have a good, happy life. I have a wonderful husband, awesome kids, and an amazing network of friends and family there for me. I have a God bigger than my dreams, and a sunny day that's screaming for a walk.

I don't HAVE to put it all out there on a blog for strangers to read, but I can still fulfill my desire to write.

So, that's where I'm at.

And, frankly, I don't care what you think. :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

I wanted to cry.

I rushed and rushed around today, getting physicals completed, thinking the physical form blew off of the top of my car, getting stuck in traffic on the way to bribe Lucy and Asher with McDonald's. :) We were also trying to close on our home refinance today, which is absolute MADNESS, if you ask me. MADNESS. We told the lender we needed to think about a few things and would look at the refinance next week. He was not happy and I was annoyed and I HATE confrontation, but I refuse to sign papers that commit me to thousands and thousands of dollars of debt without reading all of the fine print! The non-confrontational part of me hated it. I wanted to cry.

I was supposed to get volunteers for this fall festival at Lucy's school and the list was due TODAY. My friend Rebecca came to the rescue and took charge, emailing all of the parents for me...telling me not to worry about it. (This is the same friend who hooked me up with another woman who is going through foster/adopt. Awesome!) I wanted to cry.
While buying smoke alarms at Wal-Mart, Lucy whispered to Asher, "Ash, if you're good while we get all this boring stuff for the new kid, Mom said she'll give us a surprise!" I wanted to cry.

Well, at our home visit today we read the final report the one sent to the state before we are licensed) our current caseworker wrote. She said we were motivated by our love for children and that she was recommending us as foster/adoptive parents for our state. We both signed and dated that letter and I wanted to cry.

She told us she was very happy to meet us and was excited that we were going to be adoptive parents. She told us that the caseworker assigned to us (who we will meet next week) gets all kinds of emails and phone calls about kiddos who are in foster homes with foster parents whose main goal is not adoption, so an adoption could happen very quickly. Asher had fallen asleep next to me during the meeting, his soft little body pressed into my arm, full of that sleepy kind of repose mysteriously only known to three year olds. I wanted to cry.

She said I needed to call the caseworker assigned to us and meet with her next week. Then, we work on getting a placement. We can have our free-for-adoption child in our home as a foster child while we complete our homestudy. She said we're more than welcome to look over perspective adoptive kiddos' profiles and to submit requests on learning more about them. These are kiddos who are already free and clear for adoption!!!!! I wanted to cry.

I thanked Scott for having an open heart on this journey, for trusting my gut instinct in knowing our family is not yet complete. He looked at me with love in his eyes, and then we both turned to our computers. I opened up an email from my friend Nicole with these words, written to another friend about me:

God has placed an amazing friend in my life for a the past year and a half. We've grown together through our pain. She has 2 children, one with special physical needs, but has also had 4 miscarriages, losing 5 babies, in 4 years and we almost lost her last year to an ectopic pregnancy. Yet, through all of that pain, God has led her to a place of yearning for adoption. She and her husband have done the classes and if the last home inspection goes well today, they'll be starting foster/adopt within the next two weeks. The thought of her and her family is the only thing keeping me from crying endlessly for the boys. The thought that people like them are out there and willing to take in and love children who just aren't safe at home is a blessing to my heart.

And then, an email from my aunt who is going through her first round of chemo for lung cancer:

You have a really full day today. Will be praying for logistics, calm thinking, that the kids handle the busyness well, that you have safe travel to MO, and taht you sound like an angel in the CEF event!!!! Being lifted all day!


I am having a great couple of days. So good that at moments, I realize I haven't thought of cancer in 1/2 hour!! THAT, my dear, is a miracle in and of itself. I wrote down on my calendar on Wednesday, "I believe today the pelvis tumor is gone." I just felt like it for some reason, and for my future testimony, I wanted to get it in writing!! No prayers for me today, girl. You take care of business, and let me hedge you in today. Auntie's orders.

I cried.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

right path

I got to go to the most wonderful ultrasound today. Not mine.

A friend invited me, thinking I know alot about ultrasounds or something, and I was honored to be there.

We all cried as we saw that little heart beat and stood in awe at the miracle of life.

But you know what?

The strangest thing happened to me in that room.

I gave up the dream of having another biological child, once and for all. This was my friend's dream, my friend's moment, my friend's fabulous ultrasound...and I could not be happier for her.

The caveat with that used to always be, "But I'm sad for myself."

And today? Today I can say that I'm glad for her, ECSTATIC for her, like, crying on the way home from the doctor's office ecstatic. And there is not an *inkling* of sad.

None.

And maybe the tears were also tears of thanks to God, for putting me on this path and lighting my feet just enough so I'd know He hadn't abandoned me.

I've been accused of "using" my belief in God as a crutch. That is fine. People can think whatever they want. People can think I'm naive and just saying God has "blessed me" or "worked things out for His purpose" when really I was just handed a boatload of crap.

Hey, what if it's not true? What have I lost? Certainly my bitterness, and all of the other things that have tied me down.

But, friend, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has used all of the brokenness in my past to bring me to this place of restoration. Of...well, of HAPPINESS. I have lost friendships over making this statement and making others feel like they are on the "outside". And to that I say, you are only on the outside if you choose to be. It is a choice.

And seeing that same reality in my friend's eyes was almost more than I can bare. I almost sobbed the ugly cry.

It was so beautiful.

And, in looking forward to our new reality, I am imploring anyone who lives close for old baby gates. We are needing three of them, installing fire alarms and CO2 monitors, getting my car checked, physicals, writing letters to the bio parents, sending in a picture of our family (thank you Alisa!) and our home.

I walked by the baby bottles in Target and I dreamed. Almost popped them in my cart, but stopped myself. There will be plenty of time for the urgent runs to the store later.

Thank you, friends, for coming full-circle with me. I know there is much more journey to be had, but oh...

to be on the right path...

it's a contentment I cherish.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

eek!

Final home visit moved up to Friday.

Then, we WAIT.

Aggggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Where the hell's the Skee Ball?

I adore my little son. He is my baby.


The kid wears me out.

EVERYTHING is "by myself!" and takes 90 years longer than it should. Even small trips to the store are monumental. Taking him out of his car seat? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Placing him in an area of the shopping cart that is not pre-ordained by his tiny little brain? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ordering him a churro when he wanted a piece of pizza? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! And we're not talking about just a scream, here, folks.

The other day we went to the chiropractor as usual. Asher was squealing and shouting because Lucy was getting on the table. Of course this made Asher make more noise and the chiropractor said, "You're next, buddy," and I said, "Actually, you're not next, Asher. You don't get a turn today because you are throwing a fit."

Well, cue that really nasty scene from the exorcist: baby spittle flying everywhere, mouth wide open, tic-tac teeth indignantly thrashing toddler tongue. That sort of spine-grating scream that makes you want to take the freaking acupuncture needles and just be done with your eardrums.

The chiropractor said, "No, really, I can adjust him," and I said, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience his screaming is causing, but I can't reward him for bad behavior."

And then the chiropractor said, "Wow. Most parents would just give him what he wants, just to shut him up. Good for you!"

I really could have hugged that man silly...I mean, I would have ridden on his back to the next annual "Chiropractic Caretakers of the Midwest" Seminar in Toledo Ohio, just to take over the microphone for a few and let everyone know what an amazing man he is.

"Not only does he adjust my back, but he affirms the insanity that is not giving into my 3 year old son!"

 Just taking Lucy to Costco today was AMAZING. I could reason with her and she didn't throw any tantrums and she let me shop as long as I wanted to. If Asher were there I would have had to tell him "no" 97 times and he would have revolted and then I would have gotten 97 dirty looks as I let him scream because I REFUSE to give in! He would have demanded to hold the soda and I would have given in to that and then he would have spilled it all over the floor and I would have been apologizing all over myself to the poor schmuck cleaning up the mess.

I know how hard it is to have babies, and to get to keep them, and the whole thing is just a miracle in itself. So writing a post like this is hard, but it's also honest. And I've got nothing if I don't have honesty.

Every minute of the day is a push for something or a pull for something else. I feel like we're always at odds and I'm trying to be consistent and WHEN IS YOUR FATHER COMING HOME????????????

This morning we told him he could go to Chuck E. Cheese with Lucy if he had good behavior before/during/after church. He struck out even before we left church, of course. So I was looking forward to going and having fun time during the birthday party, but Scott told him he couldn't go so we all missed out. It was annoying, so I went and picked Lucy up early while Asher was sleeping and played Skee Ball.


Playing Skee Ball today without my screaming Gremlin was heavenly. I nearly knocked a 2 year old in a Dora shirt over with my exuberance over not being screamed at for 30 minutes. Her mom gave me a dirty look, I just grinned.

"I almost hit her with this ball!" My brain caught my mouth exclaiming giddily. I didn't have anything else to say, so I just closed my jaw, turned around, and kept playing.

Some day he'll be 12 and the last thing he'll want his mom to do is scratch his arm while he drifts off to sleep.

Some day, I'll be begging him to play Skee ball with me, to help me make bread, to do 927,394 things he wants to do right now, his own way.




And these days, while I try to convince myself my son doesn't have a mental disorder, I may hit up Chuck E. Cheese sans any children at all.

I'll be the woman in the corner, love handles, bags under the eyes, 257 tickets spitting the heck out of that little ticket-spitter-outer thing.

And when it's time to cash in those tickets?

I'm totally buying candy.

All for me.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

aghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

If you've followed my blog for any length of time you know I am addicted to Sara Groves' music.

My dear, dear friend Alisa got to see her in concert, but I did not.

LOOOOOOOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
alisa, you ROCK! you always know when i am needing what you are sending me, or emailing me, or texting me...

but, girl?

you've topped even yourself.

i love you!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

i'm here, does that count?

My mind is a jumble lately, mush. 2-3 weeks, friends. TWO. WEEKS.

exhale. exhale. exhale. wait, I forgot to inhale.

A friend told me yesterday she was surprised we were going through with this. I love this friend because she is very honest.

So, tell me, surprised, are you? Think maybe we still won't? Why or why not?

Sorry for such a lame post..it's all I got.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

surreal

I talked with a woman in my neighborhood for a good hour and a half yesterday about her experience with foster/adopt. It was GREAT, as I had a list of questions a mile long, and she had the answers! (Well, the answers for her situation, at least.)

I guess there's a huge part of me that was thinking this process was going to take FOREVER. We are cleaning out rooms, organizing bathrooms, having lots of discussions with the children. I am pricing formula at Costco, seeing what toddler bed sheets I have and which I need to buy, getting out the toys for younger children.

It just feels surreal,

that's all.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

last

Last night was our last class.

I have to tell you, it was hard to leave. Maybe not for Scott, but for me, it was. We learned so much in that class and I can honestly tell you that it was well worth the 30 hours and babysitters and child care from my mom and dad that we put into it. We learned alot about each other and about our parenting strengths/weaknesses, and how to use effective behavior management techniques, be a loss expert (haha), help children who are transitioning and dealing with all kinds of loss, etc.

You know me, I can't walk into a room without making a friend, and now I have a whole group of fellow foster/adoptive parents to bounce things off of.

Our last home visit is the 19th, and I can honestly say that I am not anxious to get all of the paperwork, etc. done. Once that is all done the knock on the door is inevitable. And can I tell you? That scares me a little bit. Who woulda thought? All of this time in the desert, waiting, and the knock is so close?

On Saturday my brother was in from Tokyo and we were all at my parents' house. He said to me, "So, Rach, I hear you're getting a child in just a bit, eh?" and my mom looked at me with big eyes. I fumbled around and said, "Well, maybe, er, yes," and my mom said, "Well, that is the point of the class, I think, so you knew it was a possibility, right, Rachel?" and you know what? My mom is a rock star. Mom, your loving support is worth more than anything else you could possibly have given me. You too, Dad.

This is my brothers, niece and Lu at a Japanese festival this weekend. My brother is from Tokyo and fluent in Japanese. I wanted to show off so I told him he should speak to the waitress in Japanese because she could not understand him. He kept speaking in English, and I couldn't understand why. After she walked away he looked at me and said, "Rach, she's Chinese."

:)


That festival was a FREAK SHOW. Either I'm old or these teenagers are getting freakier every year. Check out this couple. She was barefoot, and CHAINED TO HER BOYFRIEND WHILE LICKING A LOLLIPOP. My brother claimed that this was nothing, just come to Japan and see it all there. No thanks, I'd rather stay in my midwestern bubble of corn and denial:

Anyway, everyone has their misgivings about adoption, well, most everyone, and my mom has misgivings about prenatal care and things like that before the child comes to live with us. She has voiced her concerns but not in a way that makes me feel like she doesn't think we're big kids who have thought of all of that. I like to remind everyone who says that that I had the best prenatal care known to man...

A few days ago a friend sent me a romance novel (awesome!) and a mix cd. I was folding laundry (I always know something cathartic is going to happen when I'm folding laundry, it always does) and #4 came on. Yes, it's Elton John, but LISTEN TO THE LYRICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LISTEN TO THE LYRICS!!!!!!!!!!!

Cried my eyes out over Asher's Toy Story underwear. Thanked God for the gift of Asher and Lucy, and Scott, and this child we have not met yet.

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed 


Anyway, fresh from the hospital nursery to two years old, any race (as long as it's the human one). Were we to get a child whose parental rights have been/are being terminated, we could get through the adoption process pretty quickly.

I cleaned out our office this weekend, I mean that deep clean that leaves the bleach smell strong everywhere.

I was thinking about where I was a year ago (angry) and where I am today (content). Time does alot of healing, and I thank God for that time. My family has given me space to grieve, and my own nuclear family is downright precious. I've thoroughly enjoyed being a family of four this past year. I get to spend time with only Asher while Lu is at preschool and that's pretty great.

The leaves are falling, change is coming. I feel it in my bones.

I feel it in my heart, too.

Yep, in my heart.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

ohdear

ohdearohdearohdear

This is really happening. We will have a child in our home in 3 - 4 weeks. Our whole house smells like bleach and goodness, the tunes sent by a friend blaring through the stereo. Who never filled me in on the satisfaction rendered after an all-out cleaning fest?

I feel so thankful, and so blessed.

Andrew Peterson - Dancing In The Minefields (Official...