Tuesday, May 25, 2010

hi

To everyone who has called or emailed...we are fine, just very busy. Had a very full day of testing with Lucy today starting at 5 AM this morning. I'm planning on doing nothing more than jumping into bed with a good book tonight!

I don't meant to leave anyone in suspense...honestly, we are figuring out things as we go. Will write a real post soon!

Good night!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

downpour

God is leading our family in a different direction...a direction we wouldn't have gone had the past 3 pregnancy losses not happened.

I can't help but be excited, though I know there is lots ahead of us. I guess I'm excited because I know a new chapter is opening...and I know that through lots of prayer and giving it over and over and over again, God will make something beautiful out of it.

Yeah, crazy, right? There is so much crazy in the world, and little Ben Ricketts and his situation has made me realize again and again how little we have control over. I heard of another family who lost their 10 day old to a sudden high fever in August and their 4.5 year old a few days ago to a fall.

And yet, and yet...there has to be a reason for it all. I refuse to believe that all of the suffering in the universe is mindless, devoid of deity-driven direction.

If I believed it were mindless, there would be no reason for me to live, to breathe, to direct little lives in a way I believe to be right.

Sometimes clarity comes to us in the midst of the downpour. Through the tears, we see different outs, different options.

And they are more beautiful than anything we could have dreamt possible.

Friday, May 21, 2010

frustration

Last night Scott had to work upstairs again to finish up some work he hadn't done and I watched the old episode of American Idol and then the new episode of Grey's Anatomy. I planned on showing him Lee's performance of 'Hallelujah', because I thought it was exceptional.

When he came downstairs, apparently he had other ideas, because I said, "I want to show you this performance!" and he said, "No thanks." I threw down the remote and said something to the effect of, "Well that's the last time I will ever share anything that's important to me with you." and he said, "You're getting that mad because I don't want to watch American Idol?"

Then I went to my bed and cried myself to sleep.

PMS much? Yes. Just frustrating that we have been doing this pregnancy thing for 19 months and there is nothing to show for it but a blown tube. Frustrating that what others seem to get so easily I cannot seem to produce.

I hesitate to even type this because I know people are going to be reading this, thinking, "Get over it." You have two beautiful children and you need to get a life.

And to those people I say, "Do I not mourn for the ones I've lost because I've got two here with me?"

Every time I get my period it's like a re-mourning. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

A visual picture of my failure to do something that other people do without nary a thought.

I loathe myself for being jealous of dear friends who are getting it and I'm not. I remind myself of a bratty child at the playground who has a lollipop in one hand but the other one is empty so she screams about that.

It's how I'm feeling today. I know I'm already incredibly blessed...

It's just hard.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

long and winding road

It was good to see this doctor again; she was the one who told me Asher was "perfect". I asked her if she remembered me literally coming in with a notebook page full of syndromes I wanted her to check for: Potter's Syndrome, HLHS, Anencephaly, T13, 18 and 21, etc., etc. She said, "I still remember you!" It WAS 3 years ago, but I guess it made an impression that I had a whole list of things I was looking for that were wrong with my baby.

I gave her a pat on the hand and told her that was one of the best days of my life, when she said, "You can expect to have a very healthy son in about 5 months." And look at him now.

Sometimes you forget the miracle, you know?

She went through all of my information and told me I don't need blood thinner. She showed me research that states that up to 30% of the population of women has Factor V Leiden, and it is a very small amount of women that actually NEEDS the hard core blood thinners. Those blood thinners are not without risk, either. Calcium depletion in the bones, funky changes in the way the blood works, etc., etc. She said they are overprescribed and if I had shown that I had problems in past pregnancies with fetal growth or preterm labor or if I had two copies of FVL, then she would put me on thinner. But, the history just doesn't warrant it. She also said she prescribes thinners for Protein C and S deficiencies, which I also don't have.

Many times doctors will attritube a pregnancy "holding" to having prescribed a blood thinner to a woman, when in actuality, if you get pregnant enough times, one of them is going to "stick".

She did, however, say I need to be on one baby aspirin a night. I can do that. She also told me she wants to test me for two other clotting disorders I don't think I was tested for, and if I show positive for THOSE, I would be on a blood thinner. She also wanted to test some glucose thing.

She said the way the first miscarriage presented was a way that hints at some chromosomal problem with the identical twins...the fact that they stopped growing at 6 weeks was a big clue.

The second miscarriage was 2 months after the methotrexate shot for the ectopic, and she said that that miscarriage could have easily been caused by my uterus just not being "ready" to sustain another pregnancy healthily. Though the methotrexate kills the embryo in the tube, the uterus was still built up for a pregnancy and she said it messes up with the white blood cells somehow and takes awhile to regulate.

She said she would do everything within her power to help ensure a healthy pregnancy for me, and she knows that when the pregnancy test turns positive you are already VESTED, so when I asked her, tell it to me straight, "Do we quit trying?" she said, "I see no reason why you should."

I had prayed that this second opinion doctor would make it clear to us what direction we should take.

So, 5 days until pregnancy testing, and she said these other clotting tests could be taken at any time, even if I were pregnant.

I'm not really the type to hold anything back, am I.

Here we go, again. I feel ready...I feel rested; I'm glad I have had 5 months since the last miscarriage to get my body "ready". If God allows me to be pregnant, great. If not, it's OK, too. If I had another miscarriage it would be so hard, but it wouldn't destroy me. I feel ready. I feel at a good place, emotionally and physically. I'm not at the point where I'm ready to say, "I'm done." It's such a personal decision. Each of us knows how much we can take. Or maybe we can just sense it.

Anyway.

Heartbeats. Let's hope that the next one I see on an ultrasound screen is the same one I snuggle next to me as I rock Lucy and Asher's little sibling to sleep.

If not? I'll survive.

Monday, May 10, 2010

alone

Just to clarify, I am not pregnant.

When we were going to the big scan when I was pregnant with Asher, Scott didn't go along.

I know people thought that was weird, and in the multiple pregnancies since, Scott hasn't gone along for ultrasounds. I love him to tears and he is my best friend, but I never, ever, ever want to see him as broken as he was that day they told us Lucy was done for, in that room.

My heart couldn't bear it again.

I had a friend ask, back in January, how I could cope with going to an ultrasound alone, especially one where they were pretty sure things were going south.

Honestly?

It's easier for me to do that than to go with my husband and see the look on his face while he is trying to comfort me. To watch him sob into a Kleenex and want to break all of the windows in the room.

Seeing the one you love trying not to fall apart in order to comfort you while you are falling apart, that's not my favorite thing in the world.

So, I choose not to put myself in a position where it is possible, at least in this situation. (One of the very few things I can control in this whole ordeal.)

Especially in an ultrasound room or a doctor's office.

If I am going to see no beating heart, I want to see it by myself.

I want time to process.

If I am going to see something grossly wrong with the anatomy of one of my babies, I want to see it myself.

If a doctor is going to tell me that a pregnancy is not advisable at this point, I want to hear it first.

I don't want to have the added pressure of watching Scott deal with it, too.

Right? Wrong? I don't know...

but it works for us.

A couple of people have asked if Scott is going with me tomorrow to my perinatologist appointment...and when I say "no", they're always surprised.

No, Scott is not a jerk. In fact, he'd go in a minute if I asked him to. Does he want to go? No. But he would if I asked him to.

I don't want him to.

I want to go alone. And there are no rules when you're the proud owner of a womb of death.

It's just a really weird understanding between us, almost unspoken. (But now it's written.)

Weird? Maybe. It is what it is.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

my bestie

Today I realized something. Scott and I annoy the heck out of each other, alot.

But also, we're pretty dang good together.

We have so many inside jokes that NO one else would find funny. He just makes me laugh. I feel like part of a team (a really demented one) with him.

He's my bestie.

I know, that's annoying, like, come on, what am I, 12? OMG. :) But really, Scott, he's my best friend.

Walking through the school carnival last night with 5 kids ages 3, 3, 4, 5, and 6, we got SO many funny looks and comments. People thought they were all ours, and we didn't really set them straight. All the kids had been in the bounce house and were running around without shoes and had cotton candy stuck everywhere.
Some of the comments from bystanders: "Oh, MY!"  and "Oh, wow, you CERTAINLY have your hands full!"

and then, those looks that say a thousand words...those looks that say, "haven't these people heard of population control?"

As we were walking away, he said, "We look like we need to be neutered."

And I laughed so hard I peed my pants. If only they knew.

Sometimes, the hurt hurls itself up into a ball, bouncing off the walls of my heart.

And he knows it, he's seen me hurt, so he says just the right thing...the funny thing - and the ball doesn't bounce so hard and I don't care as much when he's around.

Yep, he's my bestie.




Wednesday, May 5, 2010

anatomy

that part on Grey's Anatomy? the one, you know, where Callie tells Arizona that her baby WON'T be in the NICU and WON'T have problems?

hahahaha...

oh, to be that naive again...to think that YOUR baby won't be the one with problems...

must be nice.

mother of the year

Today we were in Lowes and I KNOW I pushed the kids too hard...they had swimming lessons this morning at 9:30 and then after that I worked out and they played in the child watch area. After that, we stopped at Quick Trip for slushees and hot dogs (I know, classy, right?).

After that we went to Big Lots for Mother's Day presents (holy canoli, I am a high class lady), then to Lowe's for a pendant light I really want for our kitchen. Yes, they were screaming and screaming, fighting over who was going to hold the GLASS LIGHT. I just wanted to get the hell out of there or disappear into the linoleum.

I am paying at the self-checkout thing, Asher wanted to stand up in the cart so I said, "Fine. You will not be in the cart any more." I picked him up, put him on the floor, where he quickly commenced screaming like his teddy bear had been shot. I do the ignore thing, turn around, start to pay, and then hear an incredibly loud banging sound.

I turn back around, and Asher is pinned under the shopping cart, which is now on the ground. Lucy is on top of him. The lady who was running the register said she flew out of the cart and landed on top of him.

Soon after, someone said, "Go get Don." Don came and had us fill out an accident report, and they were all very nice. I am sure they were thinking the lawsuit bells might be ringing.

Which, if you think about it, why would I sue THEM for my negligence? Ah, America.

So, anyway. We're back home, and Asher spent a long time hitting his sister with a roll of wrapping paper until I came downstairs and saw it. I read to them both, and he is finally asleep.

Someday, this will be funny.

Someday, I will miss these days.

Someday.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

sane

Well, last week sometime I wrote a note to other women who've been diagnosed with Factor V Leiden and MTHFR. I told them what my perinatologist said about not really needing anything in a future pregnancy, not needing blood thinner or anything. They basically told me he was smoking crack, and if I wanted a stillbirth or blood clots in my head to go for it.

Sound fun?

So, I'm going for a second opinion. I love love love my OB. She is wonderful, really wonderful. I called her with my concerns and she made me an appointment with the perinatologist who saw me when I was pregnant with Asher. From the time I called to the time of the appointment? 55 minutes.

I think she feels sorry for me. Actually, she said so. Hey, whatever gets things done, right? If I had tried to schedule this appointment as a fairly new patient, I GUARANTEE you, it would have taken 2 weeks.

I'm not willing to risk going through a pregnancy unmedicated if it means harm for me or the baby. I asked her and she said a second opinion was very wise. She admitted she doesn't know enough about blood clotting disorders to prescribe me something herself. I guess after all we've been through with Lucy and doctors, I admire a doctor telling me, "Hey, I don't know." Medicine is really a crap shoot, 89% of the time.

So many women from this board told me stories where the doctor said, "Nah, you don't need anything..." then they had another loss and the same doc said, "Oh, maybe we'll try a blood thinner next time." Thanks, dude. It wasn't YOU carrying the remains of your dead baby into the office in a Zip Loc bag the last time, was it, now?

Um, no thanks. Let's do all we can this time, shall we?

So, ovulating sometime this week, and if I do get pregnant this cycle, then I'll meet with the perinatologist in time to start blood thinners, if that's what she prescribes. If I don't get pregnant, then I can have wine and not worry about malformed butt holes, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies and tube loss, cord accidents, Trisomy 13, 18 and 21, Potter's Syndrome, HLHS, anencephaly, and amniotic band syndrome.

Hey, I never claimed sanity.