Friday, April 30, 2010

thoughts

I am totally copying Catherine. Imitation is the sincerest form, right?

my kids like to fight.

I have been drinking wine, and I really must say that life looks alot better when wine is being drunk. No wonder Jesus liked it so much. He didn't have to think so much about the jerky sinners messing up the world. Not that I would ever mess up the world, but you know what I'm saying.

We're going out in a bit to pick up bikes for my little ones. They are so excited they can hardly see straight. $7 and $20 apiece, respectively. Now, did I need to use both the words "apiece" AND "respectively", or would one or the other have worked?

Scott got all the way up to the office and forgot his glasses. For some reasonh he is looking extra hot tonight.

I have needed to wipe Lulu's mouth all day and still have not done so.

I hvae a very strong desire to repaint rooms this weekend. I will also post pictures of all the rooms in our house. Would you like that?

We are going out to get stuff to make May Day baskets tonight. Haven't done that in YEARS.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I don't want to be this person.

I dropped the kids off at Scott's mom's house, and then headed for a hair cut and massage. The massage is actually a massage bed I pay $10 an hour for, and NO, it's not in the red light district. But it is nice. They project the ocean onto the wall.

I sat in the drive through at McDonald's, trying to figure out what I wanted. Then, I went inside, and asked for a nutrition facts sheet. I started looking it over, then realized I didn't want to drink 550 calories in Mocha. Now, I'm wondering why I didn't. Who cares? The ladies at the counter were watching me, wondering when I was going to order.

I crumpled that damn nutrition facts sheet up in a ball, deciding that I wasn't going to order because some ladies were staring at me. I tossed it into the trash and aimlessly drove around town.

I hate when it blindsides me...this grief. And yet, I know I have to work through it. I know ignoring it isn't the way. I know there are people reading this who think, "get over it already." and that's fine, you can think that.

Really, it was realizing, while I was standing there in McDonalds, that I feel totally lost today. I feel so lost. I don't know if it's hormones or just sadness or not having the kids with me today, but I wander around the house, cleaning the fish tank, picking up some bowls and haphazardly putting them into the sink, trying to sleep.

Staring at the wall, wondering why I feel so alone and wondering why I feel so looked over.

That's it, really, in a nut shell. I feel looked over, like God is giving everyone else the desires of their heart, finally, and I'm just sitting here.

I don't feel like I want alot: health for my children, a healthy pregnancy. And I know that those are two things I will most likely not get.

I'm not saying it in a sad way, I'm saying it in an accepting way.

Factually.

I was listening to Tony Evans today, and he was talking about what we do when God doesn't give us what we want. What do we do when He doesn't will something we cry out for?

I know what I'm going to do, I'm going to thank Him for what I do have. That doesn't mean I don't feel jealousy or anger or just plain sadness.

It's just this: coming to that realization is hard. Coming to the cold hard truth that my dreams are dead, that different ones will be in their place, that's

hard.

It's just a tough pill to swallow.

Some days I'm fine with it, and other days, the grief just slides silently over me and I send the kids outside to play.

I beat myself up for not feeling like they are enough, for wanting more children.

I beat myself up, and I know I shouldn't, but I still do.

I'm not even sure I'm going to publish this, because I know, once again, people who are reading will think, "Man, she has trouble with the ones she has, and she wants more? What's her problem?'

but really, you can't understand unless you've been here.

In these shoes.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

Probably just this:

I'm tired, and sad today. Just tired and sad.

It'll be better tomorrow.

makes my day

Don't know why, but this makes my day.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

here's your depressing news for the day

There's been alot on my mind lately - alot about how to be a good mom and wife in the midst of daily pressures.

Yesterday I learned that a good friend's grandson suddenly died. Her husband died a horrible death from Alzheimer's 2 years ago. She was just getting on her feet again, finding joy again, and now this.

Two other good friends, one from online and one from real life, both friends dear to my heart, just had their 4th miscarriages. I am so angry for them.

Yesterday, also, a friend had to give up her 25 day old little boy back to his birth mother.

Sometimes life is just so heavy, you know? Sometimes all humanity wants is a reprieve, I think.

Just a reprieve.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

breeze

Baby Dedication is this morning at my church.

You know, I'll feel like I'm doing fine, and then something sneaks up to bite me in the rear. I'm so happy for my friends who are dedicating their sweet little ones today. That is separate and apart from feelings of sadness and loss.

But, the feelings of sadness and loss are ones I simply can't deny.

Part of me feels like a careworn book, the pages open in the sun. The breeze floats quietly above, tempting itself to turn the page. There I sit, steady on my page, thinking I know how this book is going to go.

And like that, with a steady breath from God, the breeze comes down, the page turns, and the story changes.

That's how I imagine it, at least.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

random stuff

Do you know what I hate about Facebook? I really, really hate that if you make a comment, it can blow up into a huge argument where people who don't know each other get mad at each other.


I don't feel like this would happen if we were all sitting around discussing this in, say, a coffee shop. Or if we were all in my back yard admiring my new hibiscus plant.


This is the part of social media I don't like. I don't like that people who don't know each other, but who know me in some form or another, are getting mad at each other.


I love open and honest dialogues but it seems like that is hard for alot of people to do. And I admit, I am very passionate about my beliefs, too. I just don't know. What do you think?


(Oh, the problems I have...) ;)


Is this why alot of people don't bring up politics on Facebook?


****
I can honestly say these are my favorite ages. Some of Asher's quotes lately:


(we were at a birthday party, and I was scooping up cake with a plastic spatula): "Mama, why are you giving me cake with a 'panking poon?


I ask him, which mama would you like? and he points at me and says, "DAT ONE!"


Yesterday, in the car: "Mama, what does 'either' mean?" (Anyone know how to answer that one? I tried.)


Climbing on me: "You are my new tep tool." (Step stool)


He always says, "I just need YOU!"


We have a special bond. He really, really, really likes his Mama.


I really, really, really like him. I don't plan on putting him in preschool next year because: 1. I don't think kids need 2 years of preschool, and 2. I covet the time I get him ALONE before the school system gets him.


Our special place is Costco. I have to keep reminding myself to SLOW DOWN and enjoy all his little observations and sweetness. One of our favorite things to say is, "Let's talk about life." My mom always did that with me, from a very young age, and I feel like it fostered an openness and a communication that is still there.


He was just on my lap, and asked to talk about "wife". I asked him what is favorite part about life is and he said, "Orange." (He thinks the color blue is orange.)


*********

Lucy's quotes:


Yesterday, riding in the car, I'm drinking Diet Coke. "Mama, you're NEVER going to get pregnant if you keep drinking that stuff."


Looking me straight in the eye, with hands on either side of my face: "You are my gift of joy, Mama."


While her dad is pushing her on the swings: "I am SO glad God gave you to me!"


Looking at my stomach: "Wow, Mama, looks like you've got some extra gas you need to get rid of." No, honey, that's fat.


Today, she was singing a song she heard on the radio: "I wanna be your playa, I wanna be your playa," and I said, "What is a player, Lucy?" and she said, "Someone who plays games, mama!"


LOVE the innocence!


*******

I feel so guilty that I spend time sometimes NOT actively engaging them, and then I have to remember that they are happy and healthy and well-adjusted and everything's gonna be OK.


I also have to remember that I am so eternally blessed with Scott and these two, and that life is good.


Life is good.





Tuesday, April 20, 2010

better

Today is much, much better.

Thanks to a sleeping pill and 10 hours of sleep, 10 hours of MUCH, MUCH, MUCH needed sleep, I am feeling like my normal self. Seriously, these past few days I have felt like I can't even finish a coherent thought, much less get done all that I need to do.

The only break in the day yesterday was when my friend brought her two munchkins over to play with my kids. They all entertained each other so there was hardly anything for me to do.

I admit it: I feel like I fall short in so many areas. Scott asks me why the heck I am so hard on myself, and I don't know. I think all of us women are hard on ourselves, this is true. I think that sometimes, the men in our lives go to work, then come home, and wonder why the house looks the same as it did when they left.

Hint: If the house is as clean as it was when you left, it means I've been working all day at keeping it that way.

I love being a mom. I love it. It's also the hardest job I've ever done. My kids are such a reward and that is why I want more. I LOVE cleaning messy faces and doing little laundry and watching Scott interact with them and sneaking in to watch them sleep...to smell their sleeping breath.

My kids hit each other, fall on the ground, run around the parking lot while I am yelling at them to come here, hit each other on the head and I go upstairs and shut the door so I don't have to deal with the screaming. My hair is often greasy (let's blame that on genetics rather than not showering, shall we?), and my car looks like I'm living in it. I wonder if I'm a GOOD mom.

That said, TWO times today I had people come over and tell me my son was well-behaved. WELL BEHAVED? My son? Wow. I must be doing something right. One lady at Target the other day said, "Wow, the world would be a better place if everyone talked to their children the way you talk to yours."

So why do I remember all the CRAPPY looks and not the GOOD comments? Why do we all do that?

Sure, I fail, alot of times. I let people down, I don't have a schedule for my kids, I feed them junk food.

But dang it, I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.

When you're a mom, you have advice coming at you from all sides. Your husband, your parents, your grandparents, your neighbors. You have to sift through it all, WHILE you're wrangling your kids and doing the laundry. Maybe my sifter is broken, because I automatically assume that what people are telling me is the RIGHT way, and my way is the WRONG way. I look at my friend who's due with her 8th and wonder how she is so calm, cool and collected.

Even if she IS supermom, why do I compare? Why can't I just accept things as they are?

Nevermind that I've never actually MET her, and for all I know, she could lock them in the basement while she goes to gamble. WHY, oh WHY do I compare myself?

I told Scott I was going to sit down, but I wasn't going to eat. It was a self-induced pity party. Lucy watched me, the whole time, concern on her face. (The kid's used to me stuffing my face all day, after all.)

I took a bite of fruit salad and her face lit up. She looked at Scott, to see if he had noticed. She was just smiling away at me.

I excused myself to go lie on my bed, and soon I heard her little feet patter into the room.

Then, a little hand, scratching away on my back.

whispered: "I'm doing this for you, Mama, scratchin' your back like this, 'cause you do this every day for me. It'll be a better day, I promise."

That empathy has to come from somewhere, right?

Monday, April 19, 2010

sucky

**post edited to omit swearing. funny how i don't really swear in real life, but i feel the need to on my blog. strange?!**

do you ever just have a really CRAP day? the kind that makes you wish you'd never gotten out from under the covers?

that was my day today. one frustration and then another and another.

negative pregnancy test was the beginning of the fun, then really really angry kids who have been fighting all day, nonstop.

then lucy, who cries every time we have to do her ene*ma. 2 a day, so that's a lot of fun. oh, and 4 catheterizations a day, during which she screams. fun times.

put both kids to bed, finally started drifting off to sleep myself, when the phone rang. fell asleep again, then asher wakes up. screaming, of course. and yet i'm supposed to be the june cleaver parent who doesn't want to shoot my face off when my 3 year old screams.

i was supposed to meet my cousin at a restaurant at 6:15. We NEVER get to have dinner alone, and it was seriously the highlight of my day. Scott gets home at 6, and I am ready to leave for the restaurant. "Oh, wait, we have to go and pick up the car that's in the shop at Firestone." great. thanks for telling me, honey. just bit my tongue and went with him. he is asking what is for dinner for him and the kids, i haven't made anything, figured they could make it, now feel guilty for not making anything.

OK, so, the tire place is 5 blocks away, we went there, got home, I didn't know my cousin's cell phone number, so raced over to the restaurant. In true Rachel form I have no idea where my cell phone is.

Yeah, she waited 25 minutes for me and must have left RIGHT before I got there. When the man said, "Are you looking for your cousin?" I said, "Yes," and he said, "Oh, she just left - she got tired of waiting."

Seriously. CRAPPIEST day ever. haven't been able to do anything right today and i just need to go to bed. sucky friend, sucky baby maker, sucky parent who gets frustrated with my kids for fighting, sucky wife for being a witch.

can't stop crying - just SO frustrated.

this will pass, right?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

therapy

so I must put my foot in my mouth. About 6 months ago I complained on my blog about how other people seemed so "with it" and happy and like nothing ever went wrong.

I come to my blog when I am down, it's my release.

So, if you don't see me in person and only read my blog, you would likely think, "She needs some intense therapy."

I actually smile, alot. What you read here is my therapy.

I really love my life.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

perspective

I am reading a Karen Kingsbury book I got at Mardel for $1. There is this quote in there about how "we only get so many moments with our children and our families, and we can't waste them."

Just thinking today about how many moments I waste doing stupid things, or thinking irrational thoughts, or worrying about things that just don't matter. I wonder why the human psyche is so in love with, or geared toward, the mundane.

It actually seems to me that when a tragedy strikes, the human chord is touched, and the beauty that is being mortal seeps out...you see life for what it is, and the little things don't bother you any more.

And then days, weeks, months pass, and you're worried again about painting the house or that your 3 year old still isn't potty trained or that you can't keep plants alive.

Sometimes I just want the perspective without the pain.

Is that possible?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

sucks

I've been thinking about my friend Catherine all afternoon. She is a dear and wonderful friend and, despite our political differences, we are still friends.

She has a 7 year old son, and her next son Alex died at 35 weeks pregnancy in May 2005. She had another stillbirth, her son Travis, in May of 2006, and then a living son Myles in November of 2007. Today she found out that the baby she is carrying is no longer living - she was 5 months along.

Catherine is one of those people with a heart so big you wonder how it can't burst, she's that generous - with her time, her love, her talents.

I am so so flustered and upset. I can't imagine how she is feeling.

Catherine, I'm here for you. I am so sorry. I just wish this weren't true.

I LOVE YOU!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

day three

Easter Sunday made me cry like a baby.

The minute the video started, all about how Jesus died and everyone thought it was "over", everyone thought that THAT was the end of the story, I started sobbing. Because that was day ONE, and day THREE hadn't come yet.

I think about the day THREES we all have in our own lives. The day ONEs seem so big, too huge for God to handle. At least in my own life, I hang onto them with iron-fisted human clarity, forgetting that the day THREE is coming.

Day ONEs in my life: worry over my kids, our family's future, the economy, all the crap the president is doing, the moral breakdown in our society (just turn on the television, if you're wondering about that one.)

I am choosing, today, to hand these over to God.

What are your Day ONEs?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Thursday, April 1, 2010

in case you were wondering

The appointment with the perinatologist went really, really well. He kept telling me I was asking "astute" questions and couldn't believe I brought in EVERY medical file I own on Lucy's birth.

Here are the facts:
I have MTHFR
I have one copy of Factor V Leiden

Even with those things, he said the only thing I would have to do differently is to take a baby aspirin the minute I get a positive pregnancy test. Of course they would also monitor the HCG levels early on, to make sure it's not another ectopic. Those lab ladies know me well.

I read this, and it brought back everything that happened in September with my ectopic surgery. I think about how lucky I am to be here and it really just blows me away. I saw the PCP who initially diagnosed the ectopic and directed me toward my new OB the other day, and told her all that had happened. She re-iterated that I am lucky to be alive.

I remember sitting there, during the ultrasound when they were trying to figure out what was going on, just SURE they were going to tell me I had some form of gonad cancer. I was just *sure* of it. I started crying, lying there. And then when they told me it was just an ectopic, I cried some more.

Of course, 3 days later the ectopic ruptured, and then they were telling me I might die.

And it got me to thinking about what Amanda wrote about giving it up...

I think the biggest mind-bender for me was having the ectopic, then thinking, "OK, I have one tube...I'm not going to get pregnant again. Fine." and then get pregnant 3 weeks later. That was so bizarre, and I really felt like it was *meant* to be. I just re-read the operative reports and it sounds like that tube was probably gimpy in the first place. It seems that one tube may be doing all the work.

When I saw that really slow heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, I thought, "Well, that figures. Put another miscarriage on the tally."

I don't know even what I'm talking about, except to say that sometimes you can get so wrapped up in all of this that you lose the forest for the trees.

I've talked to a friend at Costco over churrso several times about it. For her, her "stopping point" in trying for a successful pregnancy was after her 3rd miscarriage, and seeing the heartbeat three times and then being told it was over each time. It was just too much. And I can understand that.

What was it for you, if you had issues. Did you reach a point where you said, "enough?" or if you didn't, did you reach a point where you were glad you hadn't stopped?

I guess finding peace is what it's about.