Monday, September 20, 2010

gained (picture-intensive post)

A year ago yesterday I was lying on a bed in a hospital room, listening to the doctor telling me that I needed to get into surgery immediately, that if more blood pooled in my abdomen I could bleed out and die.

I begged God to let me stay, to let me watch Lucy grow, to watch sunlight filter through leaves and kiss the top of her little brown head as she trotted off to kindergarten.

I begged God not to take me from Asher's memory, for I knew that if I died that day his two-year old memories of me would be fickle.

I looked at Scott as he squeezed my hand, begging God to let me keep him...that 7 years was not enough. I wanted more, I was jealous for more.

Watching my sweet mother in law ushering everyone out of the room, the smell of sweet perfume on her skin as her necklace brushed over me and she said goodbye, I lost it.

Watching my family walk away from me, so uncertain for the future, I fell apart.

Lying on that cot, facing a surgery entailing who knows what, I heard a voice and the voice was the most beautiful, soul-stirring voice I have ever heard. James Earl Jones but 991 times better. And that voice said, "I am here." That's all it said, and I didn't hear it audibly, I heard it in my heart and everywhere there is marrow, everywhere that it matters.

Ears can't hear such a thing. I knew He was, and I was calmed. Oh, how many times in this last year do I yearn for that voice again?

But it's only in our darkest, our lowest, that it comes.

I've done a lot of grieving this past year over what never was, over the loss of that baby, and the ones before it, and the one after it, but yesterday, the anniversary of this day, was a gift.


Scott's sister got married. The wedding was supposed to be outdoors, but rain, rain, rain. You know how rain can be.

What is that again about the best-laid plans?

I got my period yesterday and the timing of it all was really crappy...I had been wanting to wear my new dress, not including the monthly bloat. FANTASTIC. And another period, another month = no baby.

I had an epiphany last night, and I shared it with a friend in an email. Basically it was this: so long I've used adoption as the contingency plan, that if I kept having miscarriages, that we would adopt. And conversely, sometimes I have used the pregnancy as a contingency plan...if we don't end up adopting, we can always get pregnant again.

Friend, I don't think God likes contingency plans.

My aunt is battling lung and hip cancer, and for the longest time she said that she always had a contingency. "God, please help me, but if you don't..." She stated that God doesn't want to hear about our tiny little human contingencies. He is a big God, and he wants us to have a big faith. Big faith has no place for contingencies.

I immediately confessed my lack of faith, my lack of belief, in holding on to one or the other as "contingency". It is clear that we are adopting, though I don't clearly know what that road looks like until it is done. I guess it's just exciting to know that God doesn't work on contingency. Things are never Contingency in God's plan. God's plan is always the first one.

Gosh I sound like Stuart Smalley.

Anyway, this wedding. It was bittersweet, as I thought about all I have lost, and all I have gained. If God had not orchestrated things that day so that I coud live another year, here's what I would have missed:

Watching my father in law, husband, and son interact         my daughter with her aunt and new! uncle
                                                                           pose with my cutie husband, wonder how I got so lucky

                                            watch my sister in law run like a crazy woman, trying to keep everything in the tent from getting wet
watch my son dance in the rain:
Certainly there is sad in me, but I have been reading "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman, and ladies, BUY THIS BOOK. This woman is amazing. Her 5 year old daughter was run over accidentally by her 16 year old brother driving an SUV, and she tells the whole story and this woman has an amazing, amazing heart.

I guess the whole book just reminded me that God is writing my story, our story, too, and He is far from done!

I wanted to edit a bunch of photos and share some more, but WE'RE ADOPTING, y'all, so I must clean the house and get ready to go to class tonight. I got together with my cousin and she said, "Doesn't it just give you chills that all of this loss has led to this place? And that your baby or child is walking around right now, just waiting for you?"


Speaking of, as much as I'd like to share more information on a public blog, it's just not going to happen. We're not too far away from doing our home study and I do not want such personal information on such a public forum. In some respects, this has been a very private journey, but there are definitely things I want to share.



Rach said...

Rach, I would LOVE to read your adoption blog! I don't think I could be happier for you guys! :o)

Cole said...

Rach, you're just such a beautiful, gifted woman. I'm so blessed by our friendship. Count me on the details!! =)

Alisa said...

:) smiles, smiles, smiles. :)

...and you soooo know that I wanna read your adoption blog, right?

Anonymous said...

Things like this get even we Grandmas to answer! Yes, I would love to follow your adoption stories!

Waiting with you to see all the details worked out to His honor and glory...and your good!

Love you!

Laura said...

I want to read your adoption blog too!

Anonymous said...

Rach, I love to follow along and see all the goodness going on in your life! Can I read the adoption blog?

Anonymous said...

I am fascinated by your faith and your passion for children. I would love to read your adoption blog.

Renee said...

Me, me, me!!! I want to read!

ib said...

Rach, your story is one that, being a guy, I will never know fully. I have, however, felt empty, felt Godless in times of my own made hurt and I have not heard the booming sound of His voice but I, one time felt His love wash through my soul to remind me that He, in our suffering, is there and picks us up when we are unable to walk on our own.

Norberto and Julie said...

So excited to be on this journey with you! We are celebrating this announcement and I would love to follow your adoption updates!

Mary said...

I am trying to picture in my mind's eye what my new little great-niece or nephew might look like! I am so excited for the blessings up ahead.

mini and brother said...

Please, I would LOVE to read your blog!!!

I'm so thrilled for you!!!

Jess said...

Very exciting Rach!

Sarah said...

I would love to read along! I'm so excited for you! :D