So yeah, read my blog for a few days and you'll begin to feel very mentally competent. Or even-keeled, at least. Even my kid realizes I need some encouragement now and then:
Listen, last night was crazy. Not the, "We barhopped and Joe ended up in a ditch passed out" kind of 'last night was crazy' that you're thinking about. It was the, "this foster adopt thing is crazy." We talked more about the kinds of kids in foster adopt...the kinds of kids that need homes. We're trying to temper that with realizing that our kids are our first priority. Their safety and well being needs to come first.
How do we temper that with our desire for another child? Is it fair to our current kids to bring another one into the home? One that possibly may not be staying for long? One who has been abused?
I mean, this is some serious stuff...like, "Little Jonny is 9 months old and addicted to crack. He doesn't look at anyone and rocks back and forth all day."
If you're reading this and you think you're a bad parent, trust me. YOU ARE NOT. Breathe slowly into a paper back and repeat, "I AM NOT A BAD PARENT. I AM NOT A BAD PARENT. I DO NOT BEAT MY CHILD. I FEED MY CHILD. I AM NOT A BAD PARENT."
Anyway. This is going to take alot of patience and work. These kids aren't the type to play by themselves for 3 hours like my kids do. I KNEW that going into it, but knowing it and seeing it on paper and discussing it in a class are two very, very different things.
Just feeling discouraged this morning. Feeling like this was really what God wanted us to do, but maybe God doesn't want us to do anything. I mean, He does, but maybe what we think is God telling us to do something is just our own desires coming out as a prayer request or mandate from God.
Everyone knows a guy who always says, "God is leading me to start my own Fortune 500 company" or, "God led me to break up with my girlfriend." Nevermind that she had a horse face and resembled Al Franken when the sun hit her face just right.
God is a convenient scape goat.
And really? How do you know God is leading you to do something, and it wasn't just the pleasantry of nerve and synapse and seratonin having a party in your brain? How do you know it's God, and not your own desire, or the biology of your mind at a certain time of day?
So it leaves things very, eh, unclear.
I was never promised an easy go of it, and that's becoming very clear.
What I was promised was "I am with you always, until the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)
No guarantee of another child, no guarantee that I will live another day, no guarantee that things will "work out" for me simply because I am a Christian.
p.s. If you are a Christian and you actually tell people that, it's annoying. FYI.
Oh, also? NOT TRUE.
The waiting season.
Wait with me?