Tuesday, August 3, 2010

the waiting season

So yeah, read my blog for a few days and you'll begin to feel very mentally competent. Or even-keeled, at least. Even my kid realizes I need some encouragement now and then:

Listen, last night was crazy. Not the, "We barhopped and Joe ended up in a ditch passed out" kind of 'last night was crazy' that you're thinking about. It was the, "this foster adopt thing is crazy." We talked more about the kinds of kids in foster adopt...the kinds of kids that need homes. We're trying to temper that with realizing that our kids are our first priority. Their safety and well being needs to come first.

How do we temper that with our desire for another child? Is it fair to our current kids to bring another one into the home? One that possibly may not be staying for long? One who has been abused?

I mean, this is some serious stuff...like, "Little Jonny is 9 months old and addicted to crack. He doesn't look at anyone and rocks back and forth all day."

If you're reading this and you think you're a bad parent, trust me. YOU ARE NOT. Breathe slowly into a paper back and repeat, "I AM NOT A BAD PARENT. I AM NOT A BAD PARENT. I DO NOT BEAT MY CHILD. I FEED MY CHILD. I AM NOT A BAD PARENT."

Anyway. This is going to take alot of patience and work. These kids aren't the type to play by themselves for 3 hours like my kids do. I KNEW that going into it, but knowing it and seeing it on paper and discussing it in a class are two very, very different things.

Just feeling discouraged this morning. Feeling like this was really what God wanted us to do, but maybe God doesn't want us to do anything. I mean, He does, but maybe what we think is God telling us to do something is just our own desires coming out as a prayer request or mandate from God.

Everyone knows a guy who always says, "God is leading me to start my own Fortune 500 company" or, "God led me to break up with my girlfriend." Nevermind that she had a horse face and resembled Al Franken when the sun hit her face just right.

God is a convenient scape goat.

And really? How do you know God is leading you to do something, and it wasn't just the pleasantry of nerve and synapse and seratonin having a party in your brain? How do you know it's God, and not your own desire, or the biology of your mind at a certain time of day?

So it leaves things very, eh, unclear.

I was never promised an easy go of it, and that's becoming very clear.

What I was promised was "I am with you always, until the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)

No guarantee of another child, no guarantee that I will live another day, no guarantee that things will "work out" for me simply because I am a Christian.

p.s. If you are a Christian and you actually tell people that, it's annoying. FYI.

Oh, also? NOT TRUE.

So, yeah.

The waiting season.

Wait with me?


Melodie said...

I completely agree Rach. People who tell you its going to all work out just because you have faith in the God I think are off their rocker....now telling you that it will be okay as God will either pull you through at his speed or pull you out at his speed is more realistic and not so annoying!

just1 said...

Rachel, I am thinking some of the same thoughts as you are--about totally different things, mind you. But still. I would highly recommend the devotional book called "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman. Here's a quote from the July 31st reading that was a real encouragement to me, and I hope it will be to you, too: "When you are doubtful as to your course, submit your judgment absolutely to the Spirit of God, and ask Him to shut against you every door but the right one . . . Meanwhile, keep on as you are, and consider the absence of indication to be the indication of God's will that you are on His track . . . As you go down the long corridor, you will find that He has preceded you, and locked many doors which you would fain have entered; but be sure that beyond these there is one which He has left unlocked. Open it and enter, and you will find yourself face to face with a bend of the river of opportunity, broader and deeper than anything you had dared to imagine in your sunniest dreams. Launch forth upon it; it conducts to the open sea."

Praying for you and your family,

korin said...

I'm here, waiting with you. <3

Cole said...

I'm here with you as well. Praying God's guidance to enter both of your hearts. It is SO hard to know the right path. Just keep marching forward and arming yourself with information I guess. You've got prayer warriors out here!

Kiki said...

God doesn't call us to do the easy or the convenient all the time. God calls us to a life of sacrifice, to live apart from the world, not in it.

I do think you know when God calls you to something and you know if you are obeying or disobeying what he wants you to do.

And just like we tell our kids, it is always better to obey!

marcia said...

Waiting and praying! :)

kate said...

i love that picture of you two!

The Popes said...

Just so you know, they always give the worst case in those classes. We've had 6 kids in our home (one adopted, three adopted by our aunt, one went home, and one still here) and ALL of them have been nothing but total angels.

Not all foster kids are damaged.

And if you are open with your children about what you are doing by fostering, they will be fine. You'll be suprised how easy kids get loving on kids that have no one to love them!

And our daughter is considered "special needs" simply because she is biracial! DFACS is crazy!! But the kids aren't!

My Perspective said...

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Inside-out said...

Love your honesty...and really all your concerns are good things to consider and think/pray about.
Waiting and praying with you :)

Holly said...

How do you know it's not God giving you the desire? Doesn't He want all His children to be cherished? Hope the waiting ends up being exciting and inspirational!

joven said...

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Tuimeltje said...

Rach, that's one of the things that bugs me about the "God told me to" line of reasoning. You make your choices, *own* them.

I do trust you to make what seems like the best choice for your family and for the child you're willing to make part of it. I trust you will do your best, consider all options and possibilities, I trust you are willing to change your mind even if some people seem annoyed by change/you actually dealing with new bits of information and integrating them.
I trust you will do your best with whatever choice you end up making, even if it ends up being difficult, which it probably will, regardless of what you choose.
I trust you will ask for help, because from what I know of you, you can look at yourself with love and see what's not working.

I trust *you*. To me, that means more than whether certain choices seem more God-given than others and going with them without proper examining or preparation because they just feel right.

Also, your comment about the descriptions of the kids made me think of something my mum said. All of my younger sibs have had evaluations because of dyslexia, and my mum once said their (or maybe it was the epileptics team, it was an off-hand comment) report made my first brother, who was always a pretty laid-back, cheery, and well-adjusted kid, like the saddest, most problem-riddles child.
There might be a difference between what the child is like and how the child is described by people evaluating that child.
Not to devalue evaluations, which can be most useful in getting a kid the support needed, but there's also the kid behind it.

chris said...

Rachel. i remember the same thing as we were going through our classes. we did end up being led a totally different direction because of the grandbaby being born but i remember all the long discussions about the same things and also remember coming to the conclusion that we had a strong family bond and if the boys new right off that we were helping the child and may not get to "keep them" thant we could get through anything. i remember Christian coming downstairs with toy after toy talking about sharing it with the child that needed us. you know really i think if God isnt wanting it to happen then more than likely you wont be placed a child that easily. these classes help you to feel it all out and in the ind when you get that call and you guys pray about it i really believe you will know. :)

addy1013 said...

i find a lot of comfort in the "it will work out"....that if i am in His will, it will (maybe not this side of heaven) "work out". it's the promise of Romans 8:28. the catch is "called according to HIS will." sometimes we want OUR stuff to work out. and in our way.
i think what you guys are working towards is so great. being the father to the fatherless is hard, but i know He will reward you-and "work it out" for you ;) in His time, His way.