Monday, January 18, 2010

don't take your kids to the liquor store

The other night I hung out with a friend and her daughter, and then decided to go to the liquor store for some libations for Asher's birthday party. He was turning 3 on Saturday, and I REALLY didn't want to have to go to the liquor store in the morning. Judge as ye may.

Anyway, both kids in the back seat, we go RIGHT PAST THE LIQUOR STORE ON THE WAY HOME. I mean, it's practically a no-brainer, right?


Got the kids out of the car, and Asher starts asking if he is going to get a snack where we are going. I tell him this is a store for mommy, and he starts singing, "This is just for mommy. This is just for mommy."

I imagine him 35 years from now, sitting on various therapists' couches, telling them all about his Joan Crawford mother who drank from 4 PM on and never got out of her bathrobe.
Consequently, his only aspiration in life is to be the Holden Caufield of the 2030's. And, also, women won't touch him with a 10 foot pole, which is why I have no grandchildren and he puts kitten puzzles together as a hobby. His mother beat him with hangers and made him eat tacks, after all.
He wears a wife beater to bed, and also uses them as seat covers in his 1994 canary yellow Camaro.

Ah, where was I?

So, anyway, after explaining to my 3 year old that, "Yes, honey, we are going to the liquor store together," I saunter in like I own the place. Dirty looks from three different men, or maybe they are just checking me out, stains on my shirt and all.

Lucy starts touching each individual bottle, telling me the ones with the "pretty pictures" are the ones I should get. I am particularly interested in a really cheap pinot grigio when I spy Asher, wrestling with a 4-pack of Kahlua on the 2nd shelf.

"This is for KIDS!" he shouts triumphantly, lured in by bright yellows and reds. I scuttle on over, admonishing him in a not-very-nice voice that that is for mommy, too.

Another dirty look from a man who looks like he's spent one too many evenings with a woman named Betty Lou.

So, up to the front desk, where the woman keeps repeating something that rhymes with "cop" and rummaging around behind the counter for somethingi that's apparently out of sight.. I start to sweat a little bit underneath my bra and wonder if maybe it is ILLEGAL to bring children into a liquor store. I finally realize she is saying "lollipop", and instead of a gun she produces two lint-covered Dum-Dums.

The children cheer.

I pay for my sins ($20 for 3 bottles, definite sign of high class), and scuttle out the door.

After that, we go to the RedBox, where I rent "District 9" and Asher tells me the whole way home, "This isn't for kids, mom. This is bad. This is bad. This isn't for kids."

Lovely. Lovely. Lovely.

Can I count the partygoers as accomplices to the moral crime?
There wasn't a lick of alcohol left.


Thirsty Girl said...

It's so nice to read this b/c just today I was making a grocery list for SP's birthday party which he is sharing with a friend. The list was filled with things like, "beer, chu-hi, wine." Then a few minutes later we put juice boxes on the list. 20 adults and 20 kids...we most definitely need some all-kee-hall.

Amanda said...

Ok, your kids are SO, SO cute.

Michelle said...

laughing hysterically! your description of how Asher could turn out was absolutely the funniest visual I have had in a long time. looks like he had a great party....and a little wine never hurt anyone!

Rach said...

Happy Birthday, Asher-man! :o)

Rach, congrats on surviving the trip to the liquor store. ;oP

kate said...

Happy Birthday Asher!

Chloe calls the neighborhood party place 'the cookie store' and is forever asking to go there. Indeed, they DO have cookies as well as vodka.

quinnley said...

Oh I am just sitting here trying to muffle my laughter in my corner of the office...

gretchen from lifenut said...

Ha ha ha! I have fond memories of going to the liquor store with my dad and getting lollipops. I don't have fond memories of the liquor itself, though.

Happy Birthday to Asher! 3 is awesome.

Renee said...

Oh my! This made me chuckle because I can SO relate. I brought the kids to a liquor store on New Year's Eve and I got dirty looks too and as I was paying Reece leaned over and whispered loudly to me "I can't believe I'm in a liquor store! It's my first time!" I left feeling like a lousy Mom in desperate need of that drink. ha!

Kiki said...

Happy Birthday Asher!

I can't help but think that there wasn't a drop left because you only bought 3 bottles!

Cole said...

The kids look happy (especially Asher with his Handy Manny cake!!) and if the cocktails were all consumed I'd say the adults were happy as well.

Nobody got hurt, everyone had fun, I'd say that sounds like a fabulous turnout!