Tuesday, March 31, 2009

ten points

10 points for the blog-reading vixen who figures out what I wished for when I blew out those birthday candles.

nursing home roster

I visited my cousin and her newborn Lillian yesterday. And after a friend texted me yesterday that her baby was born and they named her Evelyn, I got to thinking about names of little girls that I know:

Ada
Amelia
Beatrix
Camilla
Clara
Daphne
Eleanor
Ella
Evelyn
Fiona
Josie
Ivy
Lillian
Lucy
Meredith
Ruby
Sigrid
Sophia

New babies or nursing home roster? You decide.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

big girl

I am feeling raw today. Just raw.
I am tired of getting up and doing butt irrigations.
I am tired of medications.
I am tired of feeling like if I am not happy happy happy all the time about having gotten rid of the colostomy then I am being ungrateful.
I am tired of OCD.
I am tired of feeling like there is always something more to be done - phone calls, emails, updating, laundry, taking out trash.

I realize so much of that last one could be alleviated if I was just OK WITH PEOPLE POSSIBLY BEING UPSET OR IRRITATED WITH ME. I know I irritate and upset people, we all do. So what's with my freaking out about irritating people? Seriously.

SHIT DAMN.

That is going to bother me, writing those two words above, there. And I am going to hit "publish", and then obsess all day about writing those words and offending someone. But you know what? I am going to keep those words up there.

Oh my goodness, my mom might read it. Scott might read it. YOU might read it and think I am a complaining whiner who swears.

So what?

I had 3 new baby announcements in my inbox when I got home. It is weird because some new baby announcements make me happy for them but sad for me, and then some new baby/pregnancy announcements don't.

I can't wait to meet my cousin's little baby - I don't know what the difference is. I really don't. And then some days I am ready to go and buy baby gifts for all 8 of octomom's babies, and some days I want to hide under the covers. And some days I think it's all a ruse; just something to think about or be sad about, but I'm not really that sad about having a miscarriage.

'cause right now, I am BUSY.

And some yesterday I stood by the laxative aisle in CVS, looking for my son's other shoe, because he had lost it. (Both the shoe and his 6 second patience threshhold).

I looked like a total WT mom and my hair was greasy and my kid had one shoe and I was looking for enema supplies.

By the way, it was so good to see my husband and son. Like, cake mix and ice cream with chocolate on top good. I nearly cried with the goodness of it.

Some days I feel one way and some days I feel another and today I feel blessed and a little anxious.

It's ok. Oh, and today is our 6th wedding anniversary! 6 years?

Wow.

Anyway, where are you today?

A couple of days ago, I was driving with my mom and ready to veer off the road because she kept telling me where to go for lunch. "MOM! I CAN DO IT! I'M A BIG GIRL NOW!"

I am 30 tomorrow. You know, come to think of it, there's not much difference between 30 and 4.

Always trying to prove yourself, be the big girl.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I miss

I miss my sweet husband.
I miss my sweet son. I saw a photo of him tonight and thought I might die with the ache.
I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever complain that our house is too small again.
I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever complain that our cars are too old again.

The end.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I'm the drunk guy who is hugging everyone.

I am all Margarita'd up, thanks to the hotel's happy hour.

Really, I needed this. Sticking a tube up my daughter's rectum every 8 hours REALLY isn't my idea of a fun time. Where was that page in "What to expect when you're expecting?" Must have fell out of my copy of the book.

Moving on...

Today I went shopping with my mom. We came to this KILLER consignment shop; all kitschy cute stuff. I fell in LOVE with an Anthropologie purse, brand new. She didn't let me leave the store without it. So, first shout-out goes to my mom.

Second shout-out, every one of my stinkin' friends who has sent Lucy a package, or sent me an email when I wanted to shoot my face off. YOU ROCK. Really, you guys rock, hard core. God did something right when He chose you as friends for me.

Third: Shout out to my friends Alisa and Chris, who randomly sent us $300 - that they didn't need it and knew we could use it... Alisa, you bought me sanity. Knowing there was money designated for this purpose was SO nice. THANK YOU for buying us this hotel for the week. If I had to stay at the Ronald McDonald house and share Lucy's story 589 times, I think I would also shoot my face off. Also, I just needed a BREAK from seeing cancer kids and IV poles. I heart this hotel. You should see the breakfasts in the morning! And I think $300 for a week at this hotel is a pretty good deal. You know it is a good deal if I made it. Did you get the books? I wish we were in the same city. But then in some ways, it's nice to have a friend afar. :)

fourth: shout out to Catherine, gift-giver extraordinaire. Catherine, there really aren't words to the wonderful packages you have put together. I love you.

fifth: Kiki - she won't stop wearing the little stuffed animals. And the reason you thought of me when you picked up the Pixie Sticks is because I was attached to them as a kid. Don't you remember them at the CVBC basketball games concession stand?

sixth: Kelly. You rock. We need some margaritas when I get back. We will talk about our love of all things pregnancy. Thank you for loving me where I am. You are such a wonderful mother to Kelsey. I wish you could see it, and I also wish you knew what an inspiration you are to me. (Yeah, I know, right? BARF.) But you are. There's no other word for it. You can never see how amazing you are until someone points it out. So I hope the light clicked and you see it.

seventh: Rachey D. I miss you. Lucy loves her balloons. I mean, she is practically making out with them.

eighth: Lori and Bets. Your visits were awesome. You don't know how you encouraged me. Did I have a booger in my nose when we went to Panera?

ninth: Tam. Walkie Talkies, random phone conversations. You make me laugh and feel loved, everywhere and anywhere. Thank you God for giving me such a rockin' cuz.

tenth: Kate Baloh. Lucy LOVES the package. She is obsessed with the sticker dolls book. And Chloe, the drawing was superb. You kill me with the things you say!!!!

eleventh: Dan and Al. Al, thanks for watching my son, even though he had diahrrea the entire day. Really. You are a gem and I miss you. So much.

twelfth: Chels. I love writing back and forth, and lu loved the stickers nad lip gloss!

thirteenth: Laura, I would have gone insane without your emails to me encouraging us along. I really had Lucy back in for a second surgery and dying on the table. And the Ariel glasses? It is not sunny and yet they are worn.

fourteenth: Amy. Thank you so much for being you, for being such a dear friend to me. I can't wait to snuggle Lillian. Oh my gosh I am drunk. I am crying.

fifteenth: Grandma Mabel. Oh wait, she doesn't read my blog.

Trinity: I am getting sick of Michael W. Smith. Lucy isn't.

Ms. Stacy: you rock! Lucy can't wait to get back to you!

Alyssa - your care packages rocked my socks off. We LOVE the cards. They are played over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Lu has memorized the songs. I am not glad about the circumstances under which we met, but you have so blessed my life it is hard to articulate. If we were in a bar I would surely be hugging you, sobbing on your shoulder. You are the ultimate texter, and you make seeing pregnant women who complain about the gender of baby they are having in Costco while looking at onesies just a wee bit more bearable.

Heather - Thank you for being such a wonderful hospital buddy. I had visions of Lucy and Kai playing, but she wasn't really herself. I guess that's to be expected. Your kids look like they belong in a Gap Kids ad. Kai is so sweet...it kills me to know he was hurting so from the suprapubic tube. Thank you for encouraging me and letting me vent. You got the brunt of most of my ventings. :)

Quinnley - your emails hurt my eyes, they are that funny. I saw a magnet in a store today that I decided must be yours, because it is so funny. I hope you laugh too.

Marcia - your emails. They got me through some really tough days, and theyw ill continue to do so. K is so lucky to have you. I miss her. And you are just the mother I never had. Wait, I have a mother. Well, you are the second mother I never had. Agh, you know what I mean.

Sanctus - your emails the past few months have helped so much. And I can't wait for the cake mix. I miss lying around our dorm at college being depressed we were single. Wait, I don't miss being depressed we were single. I just miss lying around, thinking that the worst problem I had was an early morning class.

Hanny - I miss you, Chickie.

Emily - you make me laugh, cry, and spit out my drinks. I think I would add you to the list of people I would be hugging if you went to the bar with me. How long before Abigail is out? Then you can really go.

Jess - Please don't go to Virginia.

Rach - Please don't take Jess. I love your choosing to have a positive outlook. Your outlook has so richly blessed my life. Hannah has so richly blessed my life. I hope you know that.

Ru - I can't spell your name so I am not going to try. Thank you for encouraging me like you do. Every time I see a comment from you I know it is going to be one that hits home. Would you mind a hug from a drunken sod?

Delphi - Your emails have kept me sane, and kept me laughing. Did you really buy your kid a banjo? And are you really a crazy liberal? Ah, I will love you anyway. HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. You will feel better.

Scottie - if you are still reading, I love you. I miss you and hope that you haven't found a sexy secretary at work. If you have, I will have to come back sexier. I know, I know, that is our ongoing joke, because no women actually WORK at your work. Haha.

Sarah - thank you for being there for me, even while you're going through what you're going through with baby Nate. I love you!!!!!!! We have the cutest gift for him. Get that boy home.

James and Angie - Your phrase, "It is what it is," has been used by me probably once an hour. I love it. I love your attitude toward life, and toward your loss of Jackson. You inspire me to do the most with what I have, instead of constantly wishing for a different reality.

Sandy - Thank you for reading and encouraging me. I love you!!!!!!

Thirsty Girl - thanks for "getting me". Do they have a kawaii happy hour in Japan? Does Hello Kitty come if you drink enough Margaritas? Congratulations on your next pregnancy - this baby is lucky. Some ideas for names: Keegan, Killian, Sean (oh wait, that wouldn't work), Megan, I forgot the other one. Anyway, thanks for getting me.

Laura R. - thanks for loving me like you do. I love our friendship! Can't wait to meet little Beuford!

Krista L. - Your patience and "quiet heart" inspire me to live a more intentioned life. I love the way you parent and live your life - intentionally.

Lauren - I love you. I love your view of life, and your ability to "take things as they come." We are alike in so many ways and I really think you should move to be closer to your, um, parents. (hint, hint...)

Lyns - Thank you for our 17 minute naps. I miss them. I miss you. I miss you telling me that I don't have to be everything to everyone. I forget that sometimes. Often, really.

Melanie - You have endured so much heartache. You continue to see the beauty in life, in spite of it. Thank you for encouraging me.

Becca - Thank you for keeping me sane. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for letting me know that I WILL get through this imperforate anus stuff. Thank you for letting me vent. I am so excited for you. Olivia is so beautiful. I am so excited you got to experience having a child with no medical issues. Weird, eh?

Mopsy - Thanks for your beautiful writing and encouraging words. You inspire.

Lizzie - Thank you for "getting" me, especially after the miscarriage. Thank you for not trying to tell me things I didn't want to hear. There is a wonderful simplicity in being allowed to "Just be".

Mel - you are the queen of the inspirational text messages. I love you and am so glad we were able to reconnect. God has you where he wants you, right now, today! You are such an encourager. I miss shoe shopping.

Sara - We miss you! We miss you! We miss you! Someone is always talking about Auntie Sara.

Ben - Thank you for being a great example in using humor to deal with having a child with special needs. Sometimes I read you and laugh so hard I cry.

Lucy - I love you, baby girl. I hate to be the one to make you hurt. I love your courage and your sense of humor.

Asher - I miss you so much. I can't wait to wrap you in my arms and make you yell because you want to be put down. You are such a sweet guy and I love talking to you every night on the phone.

Scott - you already got one, but here's another one. Thank you for being you. I love this adventure with you.

I will be back with another installment.

Time for more Margarita before the nightly butt flush.

Peace out.

Friday, March 20, 2009

smiley-face sugar cookie

We are supposed to be here 7 more nights. She will be discharged tomorrow but we have to stay here a week longer. That will mean that I didn't see Asher for a week, then he came and visited, and a week passed, which leads us up to now, and now it will be another whole week before I see him again.

The anxiety is kicking in.

I hate this.

Time to go to the cafeteria for a smiley-face sugar cookie piled high with frosting.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

it's pretty basic

Dear Nurse we have today,

It's pretty basic:

1. If I ask if you can get something for Lucy's bladder spasms, don't look at me like I am retarded and don't understand the rules. Really. You sure look cute in your scrubs and all, but when you get that dumb look on your face and stare at me I wonder what nursing school you went to. MY KID IS SCREAMING. Got it? When she says her crotch hurts, it's not because she needs more diaper cream. It is because she JUST HAD MAJOR SURGERY. Did you know that bladder spasms feel like labor? No?

2. When I ask you if you can get in touch with the urologist so I can talk to him myself, don't give me the same dumb look and tell me you can't get in touch with urology. Sweetie, what are phones for? I think it's pretty funny that when I say, "I'll just e-mail him myself," you suddenly find a way to call him. Get off Facebook and do your job.

3. When my dad asks you what "clear liquids" means, and if apple juice is one, I don't care if you think it's the dumbest question in the world. ANSWER THE F*&^ING QUESTION. I almost ripped your head off when you continued to look at us like we were wasting your time. Guess what, I am a people pleaser. Could you tell? I am answering his questions for you, because at this point, having you in the same room is painful for me. Thank God your shift is over in 2 hours.

4. Don't gossip about how dumb we are with your little friends at the nurse's station. Did you know I heard you as I walked by?

5. I wish Catherine were here.

Monday, March 16, 2009

etc.

I am exhausted and so is Lu. I had my first official, "This was a bad idea!" crying session with my mom. She told me that this won't be the first time I'll have that thought.

Here is what I am thinking today:

I really shouldn't have emailed Lucy's surgeon and told him that the other surgeons he works with are yahoos.

I saw a cross-eyed nurse in the cafeteria. I really hope she is not assigned to Lucy. I can't imagine that an intubation would go very well.

I wonder how many self-important people a hospital can hold.

Dead flowers are really depressing.

I saw a friend's status update: "Guess what, I'm expecting a baby!" and I wanted to reply, "Guess what, I'm not!"

I hate how I yell at people I love when I am stressed.

I really need to go to Urban Outfitters or Claire's or some dumb place where I can buy lots of stuff I don't need, just to do it.

I am wearing plaid pajama pants, a striped top with a v-neck over a t-shirt with a circle neck, and my hair looks like hell.

There was a man in the cafeteria who smelled like Scott. I found myself involuntarily following him around.

I am officially done trying to please people. I seriously thought this morning, "I wonder if I hurt the nurse's feelings, telling her not to intubate until we have cartoons on." Really, what am I going to do when it's the year 2022, my kids are teenagers and they tell me to go to hell, and I tell them they will never, ever drive a car newer than a 2010? Will I cry when they get mad?

My friend who came yesterday told me she was wondering if I asked her to bring maxi pads so I could just change those and wouldn't have to change my underwear:

that is actually a brilliant, brilliant idea.


Friday, March 13, 2009

hard thoughts

I find myself being really annoyed with people who are pregnant. Not because they are them, but because they are gestating and I am not, and I should be.

9 nurses on this floor are pregnant and I am not.

All of my friends are pregnant and I am not. They are feeling movement and I am not. Yet I don't want to be the party pooper.

Well, some of my friends are not pregnant. I am glad for that. I am hopped up on Benadryl but I would just like you to know that.

I am realizing that it's complicated, these feelings, and I should just let them ride, rather than chastize myself for feeling them.

If you are my friend and you are pregnant (hi Laura and Bibi!!!!!), I love you and can't wait to hang out with you when I get back! I will pat your belly and we will talk baby names, and I will tell you how excited I am for you, because I am.

I can't let the thought that my happiness lies in a third child steal my joy. That is a lie, and it is a lie from the deceiver.

I am wondering if God is planting a seed in us to maybe some day adopt a child with similar issues as Lucy.

Today, I am so blessed.

All of you who read my blog? You bless me.

pray for Lu

Lu is having a tough night tonight. Please pray for her, would you?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Thursday in the parking lot, 1:34 PM

I dropped the kids off at their grandparents' and I am sitting here in the Costco parking lot feeling the wind whip the car. I like silence.

I was listening to the radio the other day and someone said that you should offer your struggles up, so that others can learn from them, too, and grow closer to God. Here I am, then, lifting my struggles up.

We all have them, just in different forms. A friend warned me not to participate in the pain olympics - or maybe to just observe them and move on.

The wind whips the car and sunlight slides on worn gray cloth. This was my grandfather's car. I wonder what he would tell me. It's times like now that I miss him most.

Strong. Stoic. Swede.

My heart is top-heavy with sadness, anxiety, longing, hope. I like the silence because it requests nothing of me - or, at the least, nothing more than I feel compelled to give.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I am so glad

I posted something that felt good to write, and then I realized that I would probably make people confused by writing it. It was angry and not very constructive. NOT that there's not a time for anger, but sometimes, well, what's the point?

So, I will say this:

  • I am so glad to have friends who support me, no matter what.
  • I am so glad I am realizing that it does no good to say, "What if," especially about pregnancies.
  • Even though He didn't give Lu some parts she really needed, I am so glad God saw fit to create Lucy's surgeon. He's cool.
  • I am so glad that the hospital has some rockin' food.
  • I am so glad that you all are going to be praying us through this. I am going to update that Caringbridge site like gangbusters, just for you.
  • I am so glad I was able to revisit my old high school history teacher, in my dreams. He demanded a bunch of these.
  • I am so glad I talked to my friend from college tonight, whose little girl was stillborn on her due date. She gets, all too well, how I feel about the what-ifs and sadness.
  • I am so glad for a husband who lets me wander in Target while he sequesters himself in the basement bedroom.
  • I am so glad for my sweet, sweet kids, who played all afternoon outside. Did I mention to you that I am so very thankful for them?
  • I am so glad for my soft pillow.

Ah, that was a better post.