not alone
Alot of times in the last few days I've come on here to write something, but don't really have anything to write.
I suppose there's plenty of inspiration, but on a rainy day like October 15, there are mainly just memories.
Take today to let someone who had lost a baby know you care. It could be something as simple as an email, a text, or just a phone call to tell them you lit a candle on a dreary October day.
I wonder, sometimes, what sending two off to preschool would have been like. I watched Lucy today, completely ecstatic that it was her turn to bring "Buzzy Bear" home from her class. She was bubbling up laughter and enthusiasm, and even though the rain hit my eyelashes, it made me smile.
I wonder if Camden would have had Lucy's hair color or her quirky sense of humor. I wonder who my miscarried babies were.
My dear friend who is pregnant with a sick little boy looked me in the eye the other day and said, "I get it. I get it now, why you were so, so, scared before Asher was born. Until you've gone through this, you just can't know."
I guess that statement made me really realize how much I have survived, my heart and (most of) my body intact. I will always be mindful of all God has led me through. I will never apologize for it, or try to have "normal" feelings in regards to all things pregnancy and birth.
If you've been through the ordeal of babyloss, it changes you on a mitochondrial level. You don't view things through the same lenses anymore; and some days, the grief makes you feel so very, very alone.
But you are not.
That's the saving promise, isn't it? The thing that keeps your heart warm, though your hands are cold?
You are not alone.
So well said: "That's the saving promise, isn't it? The thing that keeps your heart warm, though your hands are cold?"
Perfect. You couldn't have said it better really. Thanks for thoughtful and real words. You are in my prayers today.
Ashley
Ashley said...
October 15, 2009 12:40 PM
Young couple , sitting in adjacent booth at Taco Bell this noon, asked my daughter how old her two young children are. Proud young man says, "Just found out today that we are having a boy." Young woman says, " We lost our first baby." When asked if she was further along in this pregnancy, she replies, "No, I was about four weeks further when the first baby died. I'm getting ultrasounds every week now, and seeing two doctors. So far everything looks OK." I promise to pray for them, and my daughter asks their first names. They tell us, and as they walk away, young Mom says, "Pray for Braden, too. We have already named him." Please join us in praying for Braden and his parents as they walk this path with optimism, obviously tempered by the reality they have experienced.
marcia said...
October 15, 2009 1:16 PM
I read about the importance of today on Bring On The Rain's site...thank you for sharing your story. Your writing is beautiful, and all of your questions do have answers, out there. Hugs & Prayers!
Ruhiyyih Rose said...
October 15, 2009 8:41 PM
We are certainly not alone. I never realized how many women had lost babies until I lost my first three and people started to come forward with stories and encouragement. There's something in knowing that there are others who have been where you are and know how it feels to wonder forever about those lost ones. I frequently wonder if Dorian would be his strikingly independent self if he had two big brothers and a sister. And if Dante would be so silly if he had a baby brother. We'll never know, but it is something I think about a lot.
Expat Mom said...
October 16, 2009 9:27 AM
I was thinking of you and Lucy today actually, when Tristan told me how happy he was that Lucy brought "Buzzy Bear" to school. =)
The 15th is a rough day for me as well, 13 years ago I lost my Mom and the sting never goes away.
One thing that has always stuck with me and will totally apply to your situation as well was "Don't listen to those who say 'time heals all wounds' or 'you'll get over it' because you won't. This was someone that cannot be replaced by anyone else that may come along and it is perfectly natural to miss them, cry for them, and think of the 'what if's'..."
I had a miscarriage MANY years ago, but it was nothing like what you've gone through. You've had so much pain with something that is 'supposed' to be so natural, just be kind to yourself and know that indeed the 'saving promise' is what we have to bank on...and praise God for that!
Cole said...
October 16, 2009 1:14 PM
again hugs to you and if you would pass one on to our friend from me so that she knows I'm thinking of her also.
Melodie said...
October 16, 2009 1:45 PM