I am currently in the pit, waiting for deliverance.
I don't know what has triggered it, but the OCD is worse than it ever has been before. I cannot get my mind off of a particular track, and all I want to do is sleep.
This, I suppose, is what frustrates me when people tell me, "Oh, you claim to have OCD, but I think everyone focuses on one thing sometimes. That's human nature."
Yes, it is. It is human nature. But when I can't do the dishes or watch tv or go for a walk and think of anything OTHER than this thing for two weeks now, it has become a huge problem. I just want to sleep and I don't want to interact with anyone and I wake up short of breath and anxious.
I had an emergency meeting with Shrink Lady, and she told me that there has been so much going on in the last 6 months that has been most decidedly out of my control. So right now, now that we are moved and almost settled, etc., the steam is coming out. And this is the way it is coming out. My mind is desperately trying to control SOMETHING, and that something is the thing that I am obsessing about. Many things remind me of it, or trigger it, and it's like I can't escape it.
When I get into funks like this I can see how horrible a mental illness really is. I cannot see things clearly and it frustrates me. I don't want to function this way.
I also think, on top of the physiologic part of it, there is a spiritual undercurrent.
I haven't read my Bible in a LOOONG time, and I do think that Satan is attacking me where I am most vulnerable. And he is loving it.
Yesterday a dear friend came over, and we sat and talked and talked while our kids made things thud upstairs. I asked her if she ever feels tired, or just really really old, or if sometimes she believes that God doesn't exist.
Yes, yes, all of those things. Of course all of those things. She buried her 3 month old a few months ago.
Funny thing, though, SHE was the one who encouraged me.
I have trouble reconciling the current nature of things with a God who cares. On top of this current depression, things are sour.
Where is my Bible?