Friday, July 17, 2009

in the pit

I am currently in the pit, waiting for deliverance.

I don't know what has triggered it, but the OCD is worse than it ever has been before. I cannot get my mind off of a particular track, and all I want to do is sleep.

This, I suppose, is what frustrates me when people tell me, "Oh, you claim to have OCD, but I think everyone focuses on one thing sometimes. That's human nature."

Yes, it is. It is human nature. But when I can't do the dishes or watch tv or go for a walk and think of anything OTHER than this thing for two weeks now, it has become a huge problem. I just want to sleep and I don't want to interact with anyone and I wake up short of breath and anxious.

I had an emergency meeting with Shrink Lady, and she told me that there has been so much going on in the last 6 months that has been most decidedly out of my control. So right now, now that we are moved and almost settled, etc., the steam is coming out. And this is the way it is coming out. My mind is desperately trying to control SOMETHING, and that something is the thing that I am obsessing about. Many things remind me of it, or trigger it, and it's like I can't escape it.

When I get into funks like this I can see how horrible a mental illness really is. I cannot see things clearly and it frustrates me. I don't want to function this way.

I also think, on top of the physiologic part of it, there is a spiritual undercurrent.

I haven't read my Bible in a LOOONG time, and I do think that Satan is attacking me where I am most vulnerable. And he is loving it.

Yesterday a dear friend came over, and we sat and talked and talked while our kids made things thud upstairs. I asked her if she ever feels tired, or just really really old, or if sometimes she believes that God doesn't exist.

Yes, yes, all of those things. Of course all of those things. She buried her 3 month old a few months ago.

Funny thing, though, SHE was the one who encouraged me.

I have trouble reconciling the current nature of things with a God who cares. On top of this current depression, things are sour.

Where is my Bible?


Kiki@Seagulls in the Parking Lot said...

Oh, Rach. I've wondered where you've been. I'll be praying for you. I wish I had something else encouraging to say.

I've been doing a Bible study on our thought closets. Sound weird? It is basically what we tell ourselves on an everyday basis. It boils down to are we telling ourselves God's truth or are we telling ourselves Satan's lies? And then which do we truly believe? I'm in no way trying to trivialize OCD. I know it is real and understand (as much as I can) that it isn't just your thoughts but I think you hit on something when you said that about reading your Bible. We also have to fill our minds with truth so that we can think it and believe it.

His mercies are new every morning!

Love you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I wish I could do something to help. I think that God has given you an exceptionally sensitive and empathetic heart and you are often inclined to shoulder the burdens of others. Sometimes that is a difficult thing.

Your friendship has a been such a blessing to me these past several months. I will keep you in my prayers. Love to you!

Anonymous said...

That was me- sorry!


marcia said...

Rach, I'm so sorry to hear that the last couple of weeks have been so rough for you.....but ever so grateful that you were able to bring yourself to post about it so we can lend whatever support we might be able to provide. Just know that I care so much...and am praying from afar. Please....never ever hesitate to send a "help!" email. I'm here...and, once again, SL seems to have nailed it. She is awesome! Heavy duty prayers for peace going up from my little corner of the world! Love you!

Linda said...

We do not know each other but I am so glad I met you through blogging. I look forward to your posts. I love your writing style and what you write about.

I think we all get in funks at different times in our life and it is difficult to push through it but you will.

I think Heaven is our reward for surviving our life on Earth with goodness, giving, and gratitude in our hearts.

Rach said...

I'm sending you hugs and sending up prayers for you, Rach.

jennifer said...

Thinking of you, praying for you and hoping you found that Bible. My life has been turned around lately but a devotional book by Beth Moore and God's miraculous touch in my life. Sure, I still deal with depression and issues but it does help to turn to Him.


Seraphim said...

Read Job...then email me with questions.