Sunday, July 26, 2009

i ran my dad's car into a guard rail

Sometimes I like to hear other people tell me that they are having a hard time because it makes it easier to be having a hard time myself.

Make sense?

You see, I used to think that because I am a Christian and can claim God's promises by calling Him on that cheezy heavenly telephone, day or night, I shouldn't feel sad or depressed, EVER.

It makes me feel so much better when other people (especially women) who are in the same life stage as I am tell me that life is hard for them, too.

These last few weeks have been horrible. I don't know why; probably something akin to the sickness you get after finals in college. You've been studying and cramming and not sleeping and now you can rest. So you get sick.

God (I do believe it's God, I do!) has brought to my attention that I spend the majority of my time trying to make others happy. My lovely Mexican-looking husband told me the other night that I need to spend more time taking care of myself.

"But that's selfish!" I thought.

And then I thought about it some more, and realized that when I don't let people know what I need and want, I get angry and frustrated and depressed. I take it out on those I love most, quite passive agressively. I expect people to guess my desires - like some weird human Rubix cube.

Case in point: this trip to Colorado. Many times someone in the group of 47 relatives was going to go off hiking, or go out to eat, or do something fun, and I would have rather stayed at the condo instead of dragging the kids along. I knew one of the kids needed a nap but went against my better judgement. They screamed the whole time, on many separate occassions, and I started resenting other people.


I need to tell people what I need or they will not know what it is that I need.

This week, I need the following:

1. lots of trips to Target
2. no Drudge Report
3. a sign from God that He definitely does exist (no, a miracle performed by this guy will not do, and as an aside, once when I was 13 or so my brother and I were watching him on channel 27 and he didn't know he was on tv and he said the "f" word four times. top THAT, why dontcha...)
4. lots of trips to the playground
5. lots of Diet Coke

What the hell is up with my aversion to the phone? I hate the phone...I almost despise it.

Did I tell you that I smashed my dad's mini van into a guard rail on the way home from the mountains?

Everyone cringed. I started crying and ruing (is that a word) the day I was born.

He looked at it and said, "Ah, it's just a car."

That's the kind of Christian I want to be.


MaranathaMom said...

i crashed my dad's car into the little block wall going around our front yard.i broke the radiator, but I was only 14 & had begged to get to drive the car up the street. But then he made me park. Scary. He yelled & I hit the gas instead of brake. He was so angry, but he said if I got all A's & B's in school that year I was off the hook. I studied & didn't have to pay the $500.

Sorry you are having a tough time. I could go for some extra Diet Coke this week, myself! I will pray for you!

Melodie said...

well if you would like I would gladly meet you at Target later today. I will gladly go to the park with you. and if there are any other things you want to do this week I will gladly do anything to get out of the house and away from the folding laundry monotony!

Anonymous said...

I had to make a special trip to Sonic yesterday for a gigantic Diet Coke. I feel for you!

Your parents are the best.
Love you!


Jess said...

Hang in there Rach. No words of wisdom or anything like that, just that I'm thinking about you and hope things get better soon.

Sabrina said...

Well the good thing is no one was hurt when you did it! Thank God for that. I hope things start to look up soon! Hugs.

Happy Working Mom said...

Those words are so profound, aren't they? My dad told me that when I recked his baby of a car at 17, and it has been such a life lesson. It's just a thing, and it can be replaced.

Hugs to you!

Seraphim said...

Well it's been a while since I've trolled your little flights of fancy begin tough love.

Rachel, you're suffering from the SAME exact problem as you were when I first met you. You don't accept who you are. Your behaviors model those of someone who is eager to prove something unnecessary and you're living out the strangle hold such a fallacious lie can have on a persons life.

Realize that as a person you're probably not that good or much of anything compared to the next guy/gal and that there isn't that much redeemable about you without being connected to God. Yet, inspite of that, the creator, who used finely tuned instruments created you just as you are. Just as you are.....JUST AS YOU ARE. And he accepts you JUST AS YOU ARE. Your behavior needs work most times, but the core of your being, the things that make you Rachel...ooh, he totally accepts. Now, do you think you could stop insulting him by acting like nothing about you is good enough?

Eph 4:14-16 - you have a purpose. Find it and live it. This is your blog and you can say/do whatever you want. But you are also my Christian sister, so I'm going to urge you to STOP finding ways to focus on what does NOT honor God and diligently persevere to find what does. This doesn't mean we don't have problems and we don't need encouragement. You remind me SO much of me before I was brought to my knees...feel free to speak out your mind, but realize that if what is consistently on your mind is thoughts like the one in this're doing it wrong.

You are a wonderful creation, perfected by the LOVE of God. I PROMISE YOU, that by the time you come to accept that, your life of constant worry, second guessing, wondering what if, negative thoughts will seem like a different person from a different time. I too struggled with those things as you do; that guy is dead now and he's never coming back. I've learned to strive forward, focusing on the things of God and not the weaknesses in me, that were created by HIM, that his power might be demonstrated though his love of me. You have the same power. Become the new creation in Christ that he's destined for you to be; all you need to do is accept the perfection that comes from his love of you...remember love, true love, is 100% acceptance of everything that is NO GOOD about. For what credit is it to accept what is good or nice about a person...that's no credit at all. Anyone can like a pretty girl, or a muscled up man, a rich man, or a kind woman. But can you accept what is terrible and dark about them...can you? Seriously ponder that before you answer.

If you need an action item, here it is.
Step 1: Repeat to yourself daily, I totally accept myself, but sometimes have problems with my behavior. Who I am is totally acceptable, it is ONLY my behavior that is in need of correction.
Step 2: Repeat step 1 until it's firm in your mind.

In Christ's Love Rachel.

Julie Keefe said...

sometimes i have to blink and remember that you wrote this...not me. self care, sister....self care...even Jesus did it. you can, too.