Sunday, July 12, 2009

don't take me to a party

Oh my word - yesterday we went to a birthday party at the most amazing house. You know, those houses you see in a magazine but aren't really sure they exist beyond paper pulp? If I had my camera on me, I would have taken some photos.

You walk in and the floor plan is completely open. No front rooms or anything, just one huge area to live in. SO cool! I swear every piece of furniture was pottery barn, or some imported thing. Huge televisions, rows and rows of windows facing the woods, a completely separate living area downstairs with another kitchen, etc... the walk-in closets were the size of my living room AND dining room. Oh my gosh, this house was AMAZING!

There is a sitting area in the master with flat-screen AND fireplace and a wall of windows overlooking the walking trail and woods. All it needed was the bearskin rug. Hubba, hubba. And it's all decorated so amazingly.

The kids were spilling their "tea" on the freshly upholstered chairs during the tea party and my friend Stephanie was as cool as a cucumber.

I love people who don't take their posessions too seriously.

So.

You knew I couldn't take the tots to a princess tea-party birthday party without some drama, right?

Right.

First off, we have this hoopdie of a car that runs on coal, I swear it is that old. The doors don't even match the body, and it was missing a rearview mirror because Scott ran into a gate in his haste to leave work. There is no air conditioner in the car because we are too cheap to replace it.

So. Let's review. I was driving in a car with no air conditioner for 45 minutes, and then realized a road was closed and I was going the wrong way. I went the other way, but then realized I was about 3.2 miles away from a permanent position by the side of the road. By the time we got to the house, my kids looked like they just swam the English Channel, they were THAT soaking wet with sweat.

I got the kids out of the car and Asher hadn't had a nap yet so he was screaming his tiny little gonads off.

The door opened and I realized this was a princess dress-up party. The hostess didn't know our new address (no fault of her own - she asked for our address, and I am an idiot and forgot to give it to her), so Lucy was the only kid without a princess dress on. The boys were all adorably dressed as Spiderman or the guy from the Incredibles.

OK, so, Lucy wanted no part of the tea party until it was almost over. They served little one inch peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cheetos and cupcakes. SO cute. and everyone got their own little porcelain tea set.This, consequently, made me feel like an idiot for giving the golden-haired birthday girl ten bucks and a lollipop and some Barbie stickers. Dude, whatever happened to the '70s, when you got some new black paper for your broken Lite Brite on your birthday and thought you had won the lottery?

Asher was in the area where they had little kitchens set up, and he was pretending he was cooking. Then, he grabbed my Diet Coke and tried to drink it while I was admiring the walls.

Diet Coke all over the white rug.

AWESOME.

I grabbed the wipes out of my overflowing purse and tried to dab at the Diet Coke, but it wasn't working. I confessed to the hostess that Asher had just dumped Diet Coke on the rug and she said, "Oh, we have dumped so many things on those rugs. No big deal at all!"

So then, after the "sorry I spilled a caramel-covered liquid all over your $800 rug incident", I was all concerned that I was eating the food too quickly. Everyone else was eating casually and I was snarfing it down. I didn't even feed Asher, and someone else was helping Lucy.

CLASSY.

So then the hostess announced that all the kids should get their swimming suits on, and I thought, "CRAP." I didn't know we were swimming, so didn't bring a suit for my kids and could just SEE total meltdown time coming to a 4 and 2 year old near me.

Lucy needed to be catheterized, so I told our hostess that we had to go, but this was an awesome birthday party. (it was!)

I also asked her where I could find the nearest gas station and imagined myself five minutes in the future, on a rural road watching cows mating, my kids singing songs of sorrow in the backseat before they expired of heat exhaustion.

I also wondered in my mind, queen of class that I am, if I could snag some sandwiches for my husband back home.

Oh, he married a hell of a girl.

I'm off to watch "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant for Nine Whole Months" on the Learning Channel while I sew some dice to hang on my car's rearview mirror.

9 comments:

Kiki@Seagulls in the Parking Lot said...

Is it bad that I'm laughing at that story?!

Sorry about the princess and swimming, that's a bummer.

Melodie said...

Oh at least Lucy gives you some pretty good excuses to exit gracefully. And I'm sure eventually things will get easier or more interesting one of the two...they are bound to right?!?

Renee said...

Thank you so much for making me feel normal!!! You're great!

Kether said...

You rock so much. I had to laugh. I'm sorry.
I had a stressful party situation this weekend, too. Kiddie pool and jumper outside, which was cool...but...I didn't let Liam go inside after he got wet in the kiddie pool. I was stuck outside with one other mom who didn't want her kid dripping all over the pottery barn couches.

Kether said...

You rock so much. I had to laugh. I'm sorry.
I had a stressful party situation this weekend, too. Kiddie pool and jumper outside, which was cool...but...I didn't let Liam go inside after he got wet in the kiddie pool. I was stuck outside with one other mom who didn't want her kid dripping all over the pottery barn couches.

Kevin & Lauren said...

Oh girl... you had me giggling. We haven't yet been invited to that KIND of a party, but I imagine it will be in the next couple years as Natalie enters the older years. I'm really not looking forward to it b/c I feel like the pressure is then ON to deliver a MEGA party for your kid in order to keep up with her friends.

Why is it that when we step in a house like you described we feel like we enter a completely different world? I think I would STILL garage sale/craigslist even if I had tons of $$ to spend. I just LOVE a good bargain.

Michele said...

You have some new blog readers in the midwest. We love your blog but are curious exactly what your daughter's diagnosis is. Would you be willing to mention where we can find that post? Thanks so much.

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Oh, this is just practice for when you are the only mom at school who forgot to bring cookies/dress her child in pyjamas for pyjama day/go to the school program. Been there, done all that.

Loser Moms Unite!!!

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