Friday, February 29, 2008


Off to a truly decadent womens' retreat! Pizza, massages, chocolate fondue, etc. etc... (Scott volunteered to serve grapes wearing nothing but a loin cloth but they turned him down.)

My friend wrote this and I thought it deserved its own post:

I think the metaphor of living in a “disposable society” is an interesting one. But there is the metaphor and then the literal idea wrapped in there, you dig?

Don’t you have enough to be concerned about without out adding the “Reduce Recyle Reuse” nonsense to your worry agenda? Don’t buy into that load of hooey. I decided to write to you directly instead of posting because it is LONG. Haha. Like you have time to read it. Skim it. I’m just babbling.

a) household waste does not contribute significantly to the garbage problem. Its industrial waste. Which you don’t have any control over. And actually—as it is in vogue to be “green” the industrial waste problem is slowly improving.

b) the garbage problem is not as serious as it is made out to be in any case. What small problems it creates is far outweighed by the benefits prosperity brings to humanity at large. For instance, packaging sucks. I hate it. But if packaging didn’t exist we would not be able to ship the abundant amounts of food we enjoy in this country and what food we did ship would be more costly to ship. It would be hard to obtain even the mere essentials and what was available would be outrageously expensive.

c) there is a force at work in the world that wants you to feel guilty for being prosperous---its anti-consumerist and anti-capitalist. If you think we have problems now, just wait and see what happens if these forces win and we become another progressive socialist model of government. Bread lines, anyone?

You see if you can’t change a political system from the outside, you can change it slowly from the inside. If you can’t elect socialist leaders, you can make the voters slowly feel worse and worse for their prosperity and the American abundance they enjoy. Until one day voters look at a system that promises abundance, prosperity, free market health care, and increasing egalitarian wealth as an evil one and vote it out of existence.

I think it is sad that a woman like the commenter on your blog can afford a large home where she can entertain guests, give her family room to play, learn, and be creative, and contribute meaningfully to the economy makes her feel guilty and wasteful. It’s a waste of energy. If she can’t afford the house that’s one thing. But if she can afford it why not share the wealth and celebrate? “Consumerism” by itself is not a spiritual end. But consumerism as part of a whole life actually contributes to the overall good of society. I have a big old run down house. More house than we need right now. But when I bought it I began contributing to the various industries that support this house. When I hire a housekeeper I’ve added to the well-being of her family by increasing her livelihood. When I hire someone to paint our kitchen, that person has a job in the winter. Our contractor used the money from building my parents apartment to take his family on a vacation. Now my parents have a lovely apartment and our contractor has a family vacation. If I just made do, no vacation for his family and we live at a lower standard of living. Who benefits?

Don’t buy into the hype.

And did you know that recycling has more liabilities than benefits? That recycling plants use enormous amounts of energy for small gains? That those who use cloth diapers are using more fossil fuel energy and water at the expense of saving a relatively small amount of landfill space, which is actually being taken up by other garbage? Since Reduce, Reuse Recycle programs have gone into effect the amount of garbage we produce has INCREASED. What a joke, yes? What about the water being used to clean the containers being recycled?

And here’s the irony that was buried in your entry that NO ONE picked up on. The people most likely to live vegan, green lifestyles which are questionably beneficial in the first place and which some, like me, argue are actually MORE WASTEFUL AND INEFFICIENT THAN THE AVERAGE AMERICAN LIFESTYLE are also the most likely to support abortion.

Talk about SCREWED UP.

Thursday, February 28, 2008


Yes, it's hard to know how much of my scrupulosity (you hit that nail on the head once again, Jeff) is due to OCD and how much of it is something else. As a small child I would carry a note pad and write down all of the things I had done wrong during the day. At night before bed I would have to "confess" them all to my mom. So it's probably the OCD talking. I suppose it's a good thing, too, as it keeps me in line.

So all of this talk about the economy and recession has me thinking that maybe that's a good thing. I've seen a disturbing trend in myself and my daughter, and in the hospital we just visited. Everything is thrown away. Face masks, diapers, tubing, sippy cups. Toy packaging, sytorofoam plates, medicine containers, diseased body parts (just threw that last one in for good measure). Thrown away with no thought to the impact on others that action has made.

I want to make some parallel between aborted babies and everything else we throw away in our society, but that seems a bit odd. Still, everything IS so throwaway, have you ever noticed? If it's not perfect, if you've used it for a minute, get rid of it. You can always get another one.

I suppose what's really awakened that moderately drugged part of my brain to this phenomenon is watching my daughter act out everything we have taught her. She wants to throw everything away. If her sippy cup is dirty, in the trash it goes. Stickers? She can go through 50 in about 30 seconds, throw the backing in the trash, and move onto something else. When we were in our hotel we would use 7 plates for our continental breakfast - plates that will be in the landfill long after we're gone.

The whole point of all of this is, "What do I ultimately want to teach my children?" Do I want to teach them that it's all about the passing enjoyment they get from this or that throwaway product or activity? It's coloring for 1 second on a coloring page and then throwing the entire book away? I've been telling Lucy to throw away the m and m's she drops on the floor in the hospital - who wants to eat food that's been on the hospital floor? On the other hand, when we're home we can just wipe it off - it's not a big deal. But she wants to throw everything away. She asked me yesterday if she was fat. She's three years old!

I was talking about all of this with my mom and she made the point that though she feels that she and my dad did a good job of raising us, we weren't all that exposes to how life on the "other side" is. Life without a paid-for college education and a dad who I haven't seen since I was 2 weeks old. Life without fundamental morals taught to me when I was just a tot, life sleeping on the streets. I remember being surprised when Scott and I were house shopping and I realized we weren't going to be living in the kind of house I grew up in, right off. I just expected it! I have always been an extremely empathetic soul, so some of that was always ingrained. I would sit in my room and cry about stories I saw on tv; kids without moms and dads. But I would wipe my tears and go downstairs and eat a good homecooked meal. My mom can COOK!

I've never been a "Stuff" person. I am starting to enjoy more and more our little house. I like the fact that if we can't pay for it outright, we don't buy it (with exception of our house). I like the fact that we don't have debt and we are able to save. But this is NOT the norm in our society. This is NOT what my children are learning, even now. I turn on the television and Lucy's little brain tells her she NEEDS the new Dora doll or she NEEDS the new fruit snacks. The more I am out in society the less I like it. I had a friend talking on her blog about homeschooling, and I know it all ties in to what I am trying to say, somehow. I am just not saying it very well.

Last night Scott and I watched a disgusting law and order. It was raunchy and crude. We witnessed 7 or 8 murders. I can think back to a time in my childhood when that would have shocked me. No more. It's all throwaway, even human life. Even the way it is created. It's all meaningless, and society has deemed the throwing-away-of-it-all good. It disgusts me. I've been desensitized to the point that it doesn't bother me - or I guess it does, since I'm writing about it, eh? Several times we looked at each other and wondered why we were even watching this barnyard trash that was trying to pass for good tv. It scares me that this is the kind of society that will lull Lucy and Asher into a certain comfortableness. I don't want them to BE comfortable in it. I don't want to be comfortable in it. I don't want the throwaway mentality to be the norm. I've got to decide to buck the trend, or dully go about life as though I am happy with the state of things. Either way, a choice must be made. Jesus called us to live radically in these areas, or not at all. Which choice will I make?

I'm sure glad I like to write and not operate. If I misplace a colon, no one dies.

You get me?

Monday, February 25, 2008

the simplicity of salvation

Lucy's about to go in to be sedated for an MRI and I'm nervous. And I've been looking at really sad blogs all day. My mom asked me why, especially since I'm supposed to be giving it all up for Lent. I hate the answer "I don't know", and Dr. Laura hates it too, and so I told her I'd think about it and took a shower while she watched the kids.

Here's the answer. All my life I've had guilt in some form or another. I'm never good enough. I don't measure up. I have to constantly be helping someone else or loving someone else or asking someone's forgiveness or calling someone on the phone because that is what we are supposed to do as Christians. When I was 7 or 8 I vividly remember writing down apologies to all members of my family - things I had done wrong and things they needed to forgive me for. I remember being so afraid God was going to take someone in my family away, because I wasn't good enough.

All throughout my life it's been a common thread - I fear the bad because I am not good enough. God is going to punish me unless I strive and strive and strive. I do these things out of love, sure. But the base is fear. I fear that I have not done enough to be seen as loveable in God's eyes. I blog because I want affirmation from the world. But I also blog because I want to know that I'm not the only one going through these things - that life itself isn't just 55,755 (sorry, the three and four don't work on this ocmputer - that's a long life) days of "let's get up and eat breakfast, go to work, and then watch some tv until we die. I want to know that other people struggle with this stuff at their core, too. That it's not just me - and so I blog because I so want to be heard.

But I do wonder if even more than that I want others to know how wonderful I am - or if I want their affirmation because then, finally, I will be good enough. I won't have to worry about God punishing me with this or that because I will have finally achieved "goodness". I wonder too if I have dabbled more in the Catholic faith because at least then I would have more of a "bar" with which to measure my goodness. I don't have that with evangelicalism. But then I don't know that there is supposed to be a bar, because the Bible says that we are, every one of us, deceitfully wicked. I have told God that I am wicked and I want to accept Him as the only God of the universe...but is that enough? How can that be enough? Tell me, how can it?

Wow, brain dump. I have to write more on this later. But what am I without my goodness? I cling to it because it is all I have...all that is afforded to me...

Monday, February 18, 2008

3 days

If you don't have Lucy's surgery website and want it, I will send it to you. Just email me at I post during the surgery and after to keep family and friends updated and so we don't have to make 5 million phone calls. I also have a bit of an issue posting very personal info to anyone with a computer.

3 days, lots to get ready.

I need to upload a video of Asher break-dancing to the musical Cinderella card Lucy got from Anonymouse - THANK YOU, mousey! You wouldn't believe how much mileage they've gotten out of that thing!

Some thoughts about socialized health care and how it relates to Lucy's surgeries soon... I am sure you are riveted, lads and lassies.

My boobs sag hopelessly and I don't know what to do about it.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


Today you are 3 years old. I so love the little soul your body is wrapped around. This day was so strange - it's a day I was never sure I'd see and as you breathed through your perfect little lips to blow out the candles I breathed something different through mine; a whisper of thanks to our God.

I was talking to your dad last night and we both agreed - the one thing most compelling about parenthood is how you can spend 9 months breathing in and out, dreaming of the day your baby is born - but the moment of first meeting obliterates all those other breaths. "The love I feel for her is scary, because I'd do anything for her," your daddy said. I agree.

We love you. Sweet, little irreplaceable you. No matter how many daughters are ever a part of this family, you are always our firstborn, our little love. You are wonderful.

Friday, February 15, 2008

things that help

He looks so much like my brothers here:
My new favorite photo:

he LOVED this!

I suggested for Valentine's Day that we go to a place here in town that is known for its security guards and big black dudes telling you to hurry up and order. It's good barbeque but I'm always thinking of which table is closest in case the gang members settle old vendettas there. If you live in my city, you know the exact restaurant I'm talking about.

Anyway, Scott wouldn't hear of it and we instead went to a more upscale barbeque place. I laughed and laughed as he regaled with quotes from the Office. He can do Lambert (the boss) flawlessly, and at one point I was laughing so hard I choked on my salad. This is my favorite thing about Scott - his sense of humor. The other night Lucy was being naughty and he said with a straight face, "Bella, your punishment is to watch daddy do an Irish jig." Then the dancing began. Whenever Scott dances I am reminded of a drunken robot.

Some pictures from swimming with my cousin, who is in town on business. Tonight we will rent chick flicks and sneak Lucy out of her crib to watch them with us. Guess who is 3 years old tomorrow?

Check out Asher's teeth - Scott says his mouth looks like the place where tic-tacs go to die. If we went out for Chinese tonight, Asher's fortune cookie would read: "Braces are in your future".

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


guess what - I'm not as faithful and strong as you thought I was!!!!!!

We went to Costco this morning. I've been looking for a book about going to the doctor. The Beranstain Bears Visit the Doctor just doesn't cover it.

Did Brother Bear ever wake up from a reconstructive surgery, only to find out that he would have to stick a catheter in his bladder every 4 hours for the rest of his life? Did Sister Bear get a lollipop for holding still while 9 doctors held her down to take the 8 millionth x-ray? Did Mama Bear ever have a phone call from the urology clinic that told her they suspect there could be some irreversible kidney damage in Sister Bears's kidneys? No? Guess that book won't work then.

I feel like such a fraud for getting her excited about this trip. She's going to start getting a clue as we head down the surgery hall way. The lady I talked to from urology told me the tests they're going to run are pretty painful.

I'm mad today. That might show spiritually immaturity, but it's where I'm at. I'm mad. I'm mad that I have to watch my kid go through the first process of this surgery in a week. I'm mad that they're going to run tests that will most likely tell us she has to have her bladder completely restructured. I'm mad that I don't know fully how to explain to her what's going to happen. She's running around the house saying, "I'm going to get a new bee-gina!" She doesn't have a clue, and it's probably better that way.

Then I'm afraid that me being mad for awhile might cause Lucy to be mad at God. But isn't God a big boy? Can't he handle it? I'm learning that I'm not responsible for others' feelings. But I have to show her that God is good, and that He is sovereign. Today I'm just feeling mad. I'm just mad. I think it was St. Therese who said that if You treat your friends that way, it's no wonder God doesn't have many.

The tears started in between the shirts and socks and Costco, and they haven't stopped. I'm pissed. I'm mad. I'm scared.

Tears drip into the keyboard and my fingers fly. My one consolation in all of this is that she has a very strong personality, and she likes stickers, ALOT.

I'm mad, but madness only gets you so far. Time to go buy some stickers.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

birthday party/surgery

Someday I will look back at this post and realize how silly it sounds, but not today I guess. This Saturday is Lucy's 3rd birthday, and her party was supposed to be from 3 - 5. We sort of got finagled into doing a party for her, even though I would have much rather just had a few of her little friends over and had some cupcakes. Anyway, this was just a family party, but all told it will be 14 adults and 3 kids, all in our little house. Now, tell me I'm being paranoid, and I probably am, but I am so nervous that she's going to get sick AGAIN, just after being over all of this crap, just in time for her surgery. Last time, if you weren't following her other site, her surgery was cancelled at the last minute because she was sick. I don't want that to happen again, after driving 9 hours up to Cincinnati. I am torn - do we have the party or not? Part of me too is afraid of his mom being upset that we are not having the party. But if I read this on anyone else's blog it would be a no-brainer to me - postpone the party until she is back.

My friend's little boy Noah is having surgery the day before - how are you holding up, Alisa? Trying not to think about it? That's how I'm coping...we'll just have to pray each other through...

Monday, February 11, 2008

where we be

My friend in California always leaves a message on the phone with the phrase, "Just wondering where you are at today!"

That's so calming to me; well, conversations with her always are. I can tell her that today I'm just not feeling good or I'm concerned or scared about this, and I have the permission to do so. That phrase, though. "Where are you at today?" My new friend Lyssa wrote about how so often we're afraid to tell others how we really feel; show them our true selves. I think it all comes down to a fundamental fear of rejection.

I'll go first:

It is 1:43 pm. Lucy has watched 3 hours of television this morning; Asher accidentally ate a macaroni noodle left over from last night. I am still in my pajamas. I haven't turned on my phone, and I haven't read my Bible today. I am slightly (Ok, we're being honest here? good.) REALLY overwhelmed with Lucy's surgery coming up next week. Both kids STILL have chesty coughs and green snot. The house needs cleaning and I spent all morning organizing the kitchen (ok, being honest, right?) 1/2 of the morning organizing the kitchen, and the other half tickling Asher and reading to Lucy. I am going to make some tea, lie down with my current book selection, and possibly fall asleep in my bed, right next to the pile of dirty laundry. When we awake, we will wander the aisles of Costco, and I will probably buy something very very bad for me, and chocolatey. I will make something tonight on which to dine that requires minimal effort, and Scott and I will laugh at the kids and each other during dinner. We will then watch bad tv reruns and go to bed. And it's all ok - cause today, that's where I'm at.

I first laid eyes on Scott 6 years ago today. That, my friends, was a very good day.

Where are you at, today?

Saturday, February 9, 2008


It's hard to stomach;
this change of you.

At first slivers of it,
then shards - the
babyness falls away from you so jarringly.

I tell myself that you're still small; there's still time to savor.

Every day there's less baby, more girl. Less whatever, more opinion.

And still, those two brown saucers watch me, wondering when you get to be like me - when you get to be big, and do big-girl things.

You move in the early afternoon sunlight, dust specks dance in the air.

I concentrate, let out a sad breath; breathe in the essence of you as a little girl.

Tomorrow will be different, and the next morrow, and the next.

It's a feeling that flirts with panic until I realize the only way to salvage the changes is to see you, and love you, and mother you the best I know how:

let the babyness fall away, and embrace completely who you are becoming.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Lent and ballet

I've turned comment moderation back on for a time. It appears that mean comments are being made, and, well, I don't want them being made on my blog. I'm all for dissenting views, but when people feel like they can't comment because they'll be attacked, that's a big problem.

So, Lent. My friend Jess (who is trying to wade through all of this God stuff as well) wrote me last night and said she is giving up her computer for Lent. I am going to give up blog-reading for Lent. I'm also giving up weighing myself every day. I'm now at 163.2 pounds and feel like this is where I should be. My goal was 165 and I suppose 155 would be ok, but it seems like sometimes if I get something in my head it's hard for me to stop, if you know what I mean... (OCD, anyone?)

Anyway, the blog reading. I'm not going to read blogs for 40 days. I had my last *fix* this morning, and that's it, folks. I'll still be doing email and posting myself (that might be irrelevant if you decide not to read blogs any more either) - but only 20 minutes a day. We'll see how this turns out. I think I'll have alot of time on my hands to do more stuff with the kids, which is always a good thing. Lucy has been requesting "cooking time" with me, and she will often come downstairs to ask me to "come and cuddle wif me" while she watches her morning show.

I leave you with my stealth photo of ballet class - note the Elmo pajama top she insisted on wearing over her leotard, and the bedroom slipper ballet shoes that she was entranced with. Ever the slacker, I waited until the last moment and all the stores were out of her size! Also, a video of the famed "Lucy ballet".

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Why I'm voting for Romney.

I would vote for Huckabee, but it appears that at this stage of the game a vote for Huckabee is a vote against Romney, and therefore a vote for McCain.

I have yet to encounter a Hillary/Obama/Socialized everything supporter who can calm my fears of an even more bloated government that is "for the people" but doesn't act like it.

I don't want to live in a socialized country. Government handouts DO NOT WORK. They create more dependency. They do not teach the man to fish, they give it to him every morning on a silver platter. If Obama wins, I will guarantee you that we will have higher taxes, more government handouts. He can talk all he wants about all of us working together for a common good, but what he really means is that YOU will be working to support people who don't want to work themselves. I have yet to meet the mother of 4 whose husband died and just lost her job - the woman everyone talks about who is on welfare just until she finds another job. Why should she? The system is set up so she would be making more money just depending on the government than she would going to work.

I have talked to one too many people who tries to tell me that it is the government's responsibility to help the down-and-out. You know what? I worked in a public school. I saw the amount of dependancy it created. It sounds good in theory. It doesn't work. For example: It is NOT the government's job to get the individual out of bad choices he or she has made. My husband and I took out a 5-year-arm. If we made a bad decision and our interest rate goes up, that's OUR problem. We were big kids in making the decision to buy a house with that kind of mortgage. I am tired of there being no personal responsibility, as if the private citizen is a brainless droid who must be spoonfed and diapered. Where, oh where is Ronald Reagan? Why couldn't he have been president when I was old enough to enjoy the fact that he was?

I am all for educational programs, etc., but only if they are PROVEN to work. If one more person tells me that socializing everything will fix the problem, I will poke my eyes out with the shards of a broken Dora the Explorer DVD.

It is up to the private citizen to care for his fellow man. Don't TELL me what to do with my money; let me do it. Let me give to the charity of my choice.

I don't understand how making the government even bigger is going to help anything. Romney has led a corporation. (I just told my daughter she could write in a book so I could finish this blog post.) Big corporations are not EVIL just because they are big corporations, my friend. Oh, no, no. They are what this country was founded on. Hard work: blood, sweat, tears. Do we need checks and balances in place so they don't get too powerful? Yes. Is it better that the government take their place? No. I've heard talk of fascism (where the people work for the government, instead of the government working for the people), and in all honesty I see too many correlaries between fascism and socialism to be comfortable.

Convince me why I should vote for Obama or McCain. I am begging someone to convince me but have yet to be swayed.

Monday, February 4, 2008


Wow, the Catholics believe the protestants are wrong, and the protestants believe the Catholics are wrong. So again, we are back where we started.

In other news, Lucy has become obsessed with ballet. There is a ballet class tonight, the first one of the season, and she has been wearing her little tutu around the house all day. She thinks ballet is actually just a fancy term for "spastically thrusting your hips", which she has been doing all day as well. Reading Barbie's version of the Nutcracker seemed innocent enough, but it really did seal the deal for her. I was afraid that putting your kid in ballet before they're even 3 DOES in fact fall into the category of "SO Smithville County (where I live)". We often say, "That pony birthday party that cost $500 is SO Smithville County, or "That $60,000 car or enormous house is SO Smithville County". And alas, I have succumbed. I bought this for Lucy for her birthday - this is the last year I'll be able to get by with buying her something small. You will also be happy to know that I only spent 60 cents. I had a merchandise return credit and shipping is $0.99! Now I am obsessing that I should have gotten her a size 4 instead of a 5 - ah, you never can win. At least this way she can wear it until her 12th birthday, or beyond.

Asher is majorly sick. The runs and he can't breathe and snot running out of his nose. I wonder if Lucy will be able to go to ballet. I will update you all, as I'm sure you're on your toes with the suspense of it all. I am becoming increasingly nauseated the longer I sit here, so I must lie down.

Do you think God thinks fighting over religion is silly? I don't know how you get around believing something in your soul and NOT becoming passionate about it. Really, I don't. Perhaps that is the real mystery.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Karin - I am sorry you were called a name on my blog. Perhaps it's
time for comment moderation. When people get overly emotional and
defensive I always wonder if it's because something said to them has
struck a chord...

old journals

I think the thing that makes me really unsettled is this: I know there is a truth to everything, and I can't seem to find it. It is so frustrating to me that the Bible can be interpreted 45,837 ways. It makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and run to Target. I aqiesced to the urge and did that this afternoon.

You ever notice how, even standing on the outside, you can just smell the Target smell? That wonderful, glorious mixture of new goods and Targetness? I love that smell. LOVE IT.

I had a Newsboys cd in the cart but put it back because I was too cheap to buy it. I didn't take Lucy down the Goldfish aisle because I knew she would cry out for Goldfish and I didn't want to buy them. Do you ever go to Target with a grand shopping list, and then realize you REALLY don't want to buy any of it, when it comes right down to it? Scott informed me that there IS indeed such a thing as becoming too cheap, and I am perilously close to falling into that category. If I want the cd and the rug and the goldfish I should just buy them. I almost bought two boxes of these to go under our 'new' kitchen table (circa 1960's from Goodwill - I love it), but put them back at the last minute.

Wow. This is really boring.

Now I will be a flat out narcissist and tell you 5 random things about myself.
1. I HATE wearing sweaters. I imagine someone biting the material and that gives me goosebumps.
2. Every night, I look under the bed to make sure no one is hiding under there.
3. I will NEVER pay more than $10 for a compact disc. That's just wrong.
4. I love writing and mailing letters. It makes me feel accomplished.
5. I have a secret crush on Jesse Plemons, "Landry", on Friday Night Lights.

I guess it's not a secret any more.

And now, Jennifer tagged me to do a meme...
pick up the book nearest me, turn to page 123, find the 5th sentence, then type the next 3 sentences:

"Indeed, Moses came to you with clear Signs, no sooner was he away from you, than you committed evil by worshipping the calf. Remember, when We took a Covenant from you and We lifted the Mount of Toor over your heads saying: "Take what WE have given you firmly and listen to Oour Commandments," you replied: "we have heard but we will not obey." Spo much was the love of that calf in their hearts due to their unbelief.

Ok, that's boring. So I bring to you a journal entry from my sophomore year of high school:

"Today I got an 'F' on my Physics test, but I don't feel that bad, because I really tried hard. Ryan said that at least I didn't get a lower grade - what a sweetie! I guess we're dating now or something. Veronica and I talked on our way home about boys. I asked Ryan to the DC Talk concert; he's going to see if he can come. He is SO cute when he's dressed up! I got chewed out in Photo today by Mr. Pink. He was upset because yeterday I went to take pictures and never came back. He problably things I skipped. Oh well."

Wow - Ryan is sweet because he stated the obvious? Oy. I have a headache. Was I really this dumb?