OK, see, that's just it.
Apparently someone anonymous did not like what I had to say about boundaries in my last post. And they called me selfish. Here is what I don't understand: If you, whoever you are, really cared about finding out my reasons for doing things, wouldn't you have emailed me instead of posting an anonymous comment that tells me I'm selfish and leaving me to wonder who you are?
I was at first cross-checking myself, wondering who I could possibly have offended. Then I most surely saw the old patterns coming back into play. "Rachel's done something wrong, Rachel's got to make it all right. It's all Rachel's fault." (Get out the flagellation tools, kids! Fun for everyone!)
A good friend pointed out to me this morning that I have a tendency to think that I am the only person, or friend, my friends have to call on. Not only is that a tad narcissistic, but it's putting too much power in my own hands.
I find myself shying away from new friendships, just because I am tired of the game where I get into it and it's nothing but giving. And whoever you are, you obviously know me well enough to know that using such a word will get my hackles up. I am learning to let it roll off my back. Writing it out here takes a lot of courage, because I know people will see my boundary-setting as selfish.
That is fine, really.
It has to be.