Thursday, October 23, 2008

selfish

OK, see, that's just it.

Apparently someone anonymous did not like what I had to say about boundaries in my last post. And they called me selfish. Here is what I don't understand: If you, whoever you are, really cared about finding out my reasons for doing things, wouldn't you have emailed me instead of posting an anonymous comment that tells me I'm selfish and leaving me to wonder who you are?
I was at first cross-checking myself, wondering who I could possibly have offended. Then I most surely saw the old patterns coming back into play. "Rachel's done something wrong, Rachel's got to make it all right. It's all Rachel's fault." (Get out the flagellation tools, kids! Fun for everyone!)

A good friend pointed out to me this morning that I have a tendency to think that I am the only person, or friend, my friends have to call on. Not only is that a tad narcissistic, but it's putting too much power in my own hands.

I find myself shying away from new friendships, just because I am tired of the game where I get into it and it's nothing but giving. And whoever you are, you obviously know me well enough to know that using such a word will get my hackles up. I am learning to let it roll off my back. Writing it out here takes a lot of courage, because I know people will see my boundary-setting as selfish.

That is fine, really.

It has to be.

6 comments:

Stacy said...

Rachel,

Boundries are important, otherwise, we'd all go a little nuts trying to be everything and do everything.

I can tell you without a moment's hesitation that you are in no way a selfish person, and I only know you by your writtings.

In my house right now, we finished our basement to use as a rental space. Currently, my friend lives there. But, I can tell you one thing foresure. Boundries were necessary!!! Even though they weren't exactly spoken outright, they have been understood nonetheless. We don't walk into each other's living space unannounced/ without knocking or calling. She is in no way a part of my family unit, and that is completely understood. (maybe that sounds harsh? but really, that would be weird if I considered her to be!)

Anyhow, don't let this bother you!
You are a good person.
Stacy

Alisa said...

In the last few days, I've been taking inventory of my relationships and realizing some of them just cause constant drama and stress. It's not worth it. Not for me, not for my husband, not for my kids, and not for the other party involved.

You're a wise, wonderful person with a huge heart and I'm so thankful that you dispense out these truthful words to us that need them.

I loved all of what you wrote, but I loved this especially: "God starts to give you the tools to do some major pruning - to be kind to all, but only to let those into your close circle people who have shown themselves to be people who will build you up, to spur you on, to encourage you." I've been carrying that around with me.

marcia said...

ummmm...you're NOT selfish, Rach!

today is the present said...

I thought your blog about boundaries was very wise actually. It took me way too long to figure that out and I spent most of my life saying yes too many times, being overloaded, burned out and resentful and now I am able to say No. Just no....and lay out what is and isn't okay with me. I've had to do it recently due to health issues and it's very "freeing". I love your blog and you looked great in the wedding pictures, too!

Rebecca Batey Fradin said...

Bwwwaaahahahaha. The irony of someone anonymous calling you selfish for cutting off the lines of communication! Uhm, exactly how honest and open is ANONYMOUS communication? Hahahaha.

Too funny,
becca

ps - seriously did you write that comment yourself just to spark things up? hahaha.

Anonymous said...

okay, seriously? i wasn't calling you selfish. i was saying that it is selfish when it's one-sided and NOT talked about AT ALL with the other party. i would assume that if you had to cut off a very good friend, that you would at least explain to them why you could no longer keep the friendship. you are a good, loving person...and you are better than being selfish.

maybe my comment didn't come off correctly, and for that i'm sorry. but really, i don't know you well enough to know that saying the word "selfish" would upset you. i wasn't trying to ruffle your feathers. i was posting an opinion. just showing the other side of the fence, i guess.

had no idea this would happen because of it.
sorry!