Saturday, October 11, 2008

jealousy

I hope someone out there does this, too. If you don't, don't TELL me you don't, because I guess I just plain don't want to hear it.

Do you ever follow blog comments around the internet to different blogs?

And then you land on this or that blog and you feel like someone just stabbed you in the heart?

I clicked and clicked until I came upon a blog where the author has 4 perfect little boys, and 2 perfect little twin girls, just born. And I couldn't help but read and read.

And then I started feeling not-nice things, and I wanted to post a nasty comment about how not everyone's life can be just that perfect. Babies born perfectly healthy and on time, no missing organs or miscarriages.

I can't be the only person in the universe who feels this jealousy.

I guess you can say I am a complainer or that I am not thankful for what I have, but if you say that, you must not read much of my blog.

I don't like the internet sometimes. Instead of me, 8 years old, on the playground, watching my friend with her new Cabbage Patch lunchbox and feeling jealous, it's now me, 29 years old, reading some other mom's blog and feeling jealous.

It's all human emotion. The viscera and raw edge that lands like an arrow, black and wrong, right inside my heart.

I need some convicting, Jesus.

And I don't like the internet sometimes.

11 comments:

Arwen said...

Her life is not that perfect, Rach. You're seeing one sliver of it, but you don't know her story. There is not one person in this world who has no sorrow or hardship in her life.

You don't know that that woman hasn't had miscarriages. For that matter, you don't know that she wasn't abused as a child, that she doesn't struggle with depression, that her relationship with her husband isn't fraught with trouble. You don't know her story. You just see the one part of her life that looks like it has been easier than yours has been, and you zero in on that.

I understand the temptation. It happens to all of us. But you've got to be strong and call on the One who holds you in the palm of His hand to help you resist going down that path.

I'll be praying for you.

Rebecca Batey Fradin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebecca Batey Fradin said...

I hear ya, girlfriend. That jealousy usually hits me when I read some mother's blog and she's asking for prayers for her baby because its umbilical stump hasn't fallen off yet or her kid has to get ear tubes.

Shut the ef up!

And yeah, most people (those noodle salad people, right?) don't get it and never will.

But, at the same time, I also feel compassion for that mom because I know if umbilical stumps and ear tubes were the biggest thing going on with my kid I would be freaking out about it, too.

My good friend recently told me that she really hopes her next baby isn't a girl because oh my goodness it would be SO complicated to do her diaper changes...yanno, wiping front to back. Luckily she's a really, really good friend so I could say, "Unless it involves scissors, colostomy bag, two diapers, sterile saline, catheter, peroxide, and a dilator - shut the ef up!"

Hahaha. I hear ya, girl. I hear ya.

benjamin67 said...

I hate Christmas parties at work. People sit around and brag about their kids. It is hard to be happy for "little Jonny" winning a karate tournement when you are just grateful that you kid has not soiled himself recently.

It is an ugly emotion; but it is there. I try to just deal with it and move on...much easier said than done.

Kiki@Seagulls in the Parking Lot said...

I agree with Arwen. You're looking at one sliver of her life that she is willing to share on the internet.

gretchen from lifenut said...

What you read is what the person wants you to read. Blogging can be very manipulative, and I always keep that in mind when I go traipsing around---especially if someone's life seems a little too together and idyllic. There has to be more, but for whatever reason the blogger cannot or will not share what lurks in the past or what demons they battle every day.

They don't have to. It's their right, right?

I've seen a blog where everything was always happy happy joy joy all the time, but when the blogger finally admitted everything wasn't as sunny as it seemed, her readers got mad at her. It was nuts.

People are just weird. Bloggers are a little weirder than non-bloggers, too.

today is the present said...

I just happened on the blog you are speaking of today. It was easy to figure out that it was in fact the same person. I guess we visit the same blogs :)

I typed a post to you this morning but decided to give it some thought and in the meantime, actually came across through a blog leading to another blog and then there I was.

I have had those same feelings but I agree with everyone else, there is no way to know what their life is like. There is no way to know what their future will hold. We all have our crosses to bear and when I feel that way, I remind myself of those thoughts. I have known many a family who had it made. Plenty of money, healthy kids and healthy themselves and then something came along (or in some cases, several things) and threw them all out of whack. I was not happy about it but it made me realize, well, we just never know.

hugs to you.

Kiki@Seagulls in the Parking Lot said...

I've been thinking a lot about this post, Rach. And it occurred to me yesterday, what about the mothers who happen on your blog and think the same thing of you. It might be in a slightly different way, but others will look at you and think that you've got it made. A family of four, a girl and a boy whom you conceived naturally.

Everyone is different, every family is different, but we have to choose to be grateful and joyful for what we have and for what others have.

It's a harder choice to be joyful for others but it's what Jesus teaches us to to. He didn't say it would be easy!

K D said...

Me, personally, I can totally relate. Totally.

Other people had the right answer, the things that we know logically in our head. That not everything is perfect in everyone's life no matter what it seems, that she is showing what she chooses,etc.

I can believe that logically.

The emotional part of me though, that is different. It says "Why is their life so easy and mine so hard? Why did their babies live and mine die? Why do they get to have two healthy twins? Etc.

One thing the lady at the funeral home when we were planning Kaitlyn's service said to me was that she sees that the people who have "perfect" lives are the ones that take loss the hardest...

When they are 75 and lose their spouse and that is the first "bad thing" that has ever happened, that they have a much tougher time coping than you and I who have faced other difficulties earlier in life....Our "cope"ing skills are better. Yay us! ;) :(

Rebecca Batey Fradin said...

I HEART kd!!!!

Jess said...

Rachel, I do not think your blog adequately portrays your life, meaning there is SO much more to it than you are capable of sharing and I get to know it because I know you and I get to talk to you and spend time with you. I'm not saying your blog isn't genuine, it is - but it is only a small percentage of what makes you and your family special.

Do you think my blog really represents me? I don't. I share specific things because I want to journal my family's happy times and because of my readership (ahem, family). My point here is that the random reader wouldn't know that I struggle a lot at times, that I have really hard days during which I am frustrated with my kids, that I miss my husband because he works all the time, etc.

Blogs that you read do not fully encapsulate the author. You are not the sum total of what is on your blog. Neither am I, neither are they.


xxoo