Monday, March 10, 2008


Have you seen those little girls' Easter dresses at TJ Maxx with a matching doll dress? They are 14.99 and I am getting one for Lucy. DARLING.

Saturday I was a bitch on wheels. BITCH ON WHEELS. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was truly a bitch on wheels. You know those sketches where there's a psychotic woman yelling, "STOP BREATHING!" because everyone around her is annoying? Yeah, that was me. Scott was beside himself trying to figure out how to placate me. Thank you, abilify. Notice that the psychiatrist gave me a freaking anti-psychotic? Niiiiice. And look at the side effects... tardive diskenesia - where you just begin these random neruological movements. Sometimes they don't stop, even after you've quit taking the medication! Let's also not forget neuroleptic malignant syndrome, which probably involves flailing limbs and an inability to form cogent thought. I didn't hear the end of it from Scott, who was a little concerned I was taking a medication for schizophrenics. Nothing against schizophrenics, mind you, it's just that, well, seems as though those drugs would be pretty strong ones.

So I told the shrink that the first time I took Abilify I laid in bed all night, stared at the ceiling, thought of creative Christmas presents for every person I knew for the next SEVENTY FIVE YEARS. I imagined the names of my grandchildren and added them to the list. I was wide awake. She just lowered the dose this week, and on Saturday I couldn't stand anyone touching me. When Scott looked at me, I got pissed off. If Lucy or Asher spilled something, I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. We had these gift certificates for a restaurant I wanted to go to and I couldn't get it out of my mind that I wanted to go there. Never mind the fact that we went the night before. Abilify made my obsessions and ruminations worse. Scott made a really bad tuna casserole to try and pacify me. That's another story in itself. So, no more Abilify.

It's been a good few days. We're trying to decide whether or not to put off Lucy's surgery. It's more than I want to get into here, but basically, it's going to be weeks and months of recovery and change. And I really don't know that I want to turn my 3 year old's world upside down. The procedure we would have done isn't something that NEEDS to be done right now, so we're weighing waiting on it for a few years. IF we wait a few years, there's a possibility we would sell our house this spring. This is exciting to me, because I've been looking at different houses and imagining us in them. And it's fun! And also because I can't imagine us with 3 children in our current house. And neither can Scott. So, there's that.

I'm beginning to be obsessed with weight. Ok, not really beginning. But I am at my goal weight and I keep hearing this little voice in my head (not audible, you know what I mean - please don't direct me back toward the Abilify) that says, "Just two pounds more! Just two pounds more!" As if 2 pounds makes all the happy difference in the world?

This week is full of playdates, one every day - we went to my cousin's today. I love playdates. They make me forget about my stupid worries. Getting together with friends is something I need. Desperately.

I made Asher wait to get his diaper changed for an hour while I shopped at the Gap. I had no more diapers. He had a turd in his pants the size of Long Island, turns out. Sorry, buddy. And I didn't even end up getting those pants I wanted. Now I'm looking for them on Ebay.

My cousin moved to my city today! All of us, in true Smith* style, are sending the welcome wagon over to, well, welcome her. I got her a new journal in which to write all of her experiences. I hope she likes it. And it just dawned on me that she reads this blog - well, she's probably not reading today. Welcome Tam!

And you, how are you?

*Real maiden name not used.


Julie said...

Hi Rach!!!!

Great to get reconnected to you. First, you need to read your own blog-vertisement: "Life doesn't begin 5 (or 2) pounds from now"

Second, are you expecting??? If so, that's absolutely fantastic! We're still TTC number 2. It's been 18 months already.

Third, I'll be praying about your decision to postpone the surgery. It never seems a good time to interrupt the life of a child with a recovery process. May God give you peace about it either way.

Hugs and blessings,


P.S. Which I could hop on up and have a play date with you and your kiddos :)

Chels said...

I wish you were closer! I'd love to have a playdate for lucy and Raleigh. I bet they'd get along fabulously!

Wait, I'm just reading these comments beside me here. Are you expecting??? Are you TTC? Am I out of the loop? LOL

Was there an update on Lucy that I missed? Is the second surgery posponed?

Ok sorry, that was just a side note - I got distracted. Please update me, now I'm just dying to know.

Rachel, I commend you for addressing your feelings. I try to do this, but seem to fall short so frequently. I think it is fabulous that you can come to terms with your personal feelings the way you do. I have to say, it sounds like the meds aren't right for you. I would stand my ground on that if I were you.

OK, back to work! LOL, yes I"m at work! Naughty me!

Rachel Blank said...

If your pregnant, I am jealous!!!When I was 4 weeks pregnant I had already gained 10 pounds! I didn't gain more then 25 the whole pregnancy but I was as big as a house!

I am sure you and Scott will make the right decision.

And the Bitch on wheels thing? I am so excited I am not the only one out there that has one of THOSE moments!

kate said...

Yeah, me too about with the question about the big teaser phrase '3 children'....update please?

Would it be better for Lucy to get the surgery done earlier in life so she doesn't remember it as well? Or not? Is it reasonable to sell your house in the current market? (i don't know how it is where you live, but around here it is horrid) You don't want to buy one & not have sold the other....*lots* of stuff to think about!

Kristi Ann said...

LOL we ALL have the same question.....ARE you expecting?? :):):) Glad to got off those meds...they sounded a tad too heavy duty..its crazy what they want you to take and then you read the side affects..and its like they want to help you fix ONE thing...BUT may get gas, hair turns retunr for helping with the ORIGINAL one...


ANyway...hope you find a solution too...and i think its in the water...cause mrs bitch was out yesterday in MY home! :)

Tuimeltje said...

Just randomly going through your blog when one bit you wrote reminded me of this blogpost. It made me really happy reading that, and is applicable to more than just weight. I've never (or at least rarely) had the urge to be thinner, but I still recognised a lot of it.