Friday, December 28, 2007

letter from a mother (if she's honest)

Lord,
I haven't been proud of myself this morning. Please let your love flow through me and help me to be patient and good to them, and not beat myself for the rest of the day over not being patient with them. They are my most important job - help me to do it well.
Love,
Me

Thursday, December 27, 2007

cute things

Lucy's:
  • We're driving in the car, it's snowing, I'm driving slowly. "Mom! Let's just go home! Dad is at home and we need to get OUT of this car! It's deengerous!"
  • We were reading together yesterday; she looks up at me: "Wow, mom! I really like your nose!"
  • Said before bed every evening, in a small voice: "I just wanna snuggle wif you, Dada."
  • She will get things out of my purse and say, "Thank you for giving me this lip gloss, mom!"
  • Our neighbor gave her some candy, but it was obviously stale. Lucy chewed and chewed hers and kind of looked at me out of the corner of her eye; I realized she wanted to spit it out but didn't want to hurt our neighbor's feelings.
  • She opened a fishing pole from two of my brothers to use at my parents' house in the summertime. She came over to me and whispered really softly so they didn't hear, "Mama, I don't think I want that present."

K, your turn...cute things your kids have said? I just get such a kick out of her. (Asher, too!) Is it just my kid or are all of your kids saying hilarious things? This age is great.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

she wrote it for me

Does it ever hurt you to be inside your own head? And who are the people the Christmas songs are singing about - all happy and joyous and without any worries? If those people exist, I sort of want to kick them.

I've figured out that I am grieving - grieving over alot of things we learned about her and grieving over a different sort of future for her. I've always berated my feelings or said something like, "Well, she's healthy! It's ok!" But you know what? Right now it's not ok. And that has to be ok. And right now I am frustrated with myself because I want to be happy and I don't want to be feeling sad on Christmas. I just need to sit with those feelings and realize that these feelings are the precise reason FOR Christmas.

Remember that cheezy "Welcome to Holland" poem about the kid with special needs? We're realizing that's OUR kid. And it's tough.

When I was small I would always be frustrated when Christmas wasn't white. I felt cheated by that damn Irving Berlin song. I won't feel cheated today because Christmas isn't meeting my expectations; because life isn't. I'll sit with what is and I'll just sit with it. And I'll just be.

I think Sara Groves wrote this song for me:
I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Thursday, December 20, 2007

stress

Has it really been 15 days since I've posted on this thing?

I am stressed. 100% completely and utterly stressed. I am stressed about wrapping gifts, sending out Christmas cards, Scott is so sick. Asher doesn't want to be put down so he is surgically attached to my back. Everything I hear peripherally (tv, radio) has me thinking they are talking about bowel management. For example, a radio advertisement for Solon - -- - - . I was just sure they were talking about colons. When will life feel normal again? When will it not be this crying/screaming struggle to do the daily stuff required for Lucy?

We were supposed to have a surgery and it was cancelled at the last minute because she was sick. Coming up we will have a 3-day surgery and then a 3-week stay for another surgery. I haven't showered for 3 days (in America, that's a big deal). I just want to sit down and read a book. There is always too much to do.

I can't do much more than change diapers and eat at this point. Anything more requires too much energy. I had this terrible dream last night that something happened to Scott and I was beside myself and my friend Jess was there and helping me out. That seems to be what is helping me at this point - people who say they understand and are praying for me.

Do the holidays stress you out, generally? The OCD doesn't help when I'm worrying about whether or not I've spent enough for a particular person. I've dropped the ball on so many things this month and I am so worried about offending or hurting anyone's feelings.

How is your December? How are your holidays?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

lots of thoughts

If Hillary wins this election, be prepared to have terrible, crappy health care (not to be an alarmist nut or anything). How well does the government run anything? (This said by someone who worked in a government-run establishment for 3 years and will most likely not send her children there.) And Hillary wants less power for the people? Huh?

******

My aunt alerted me to the story of a family who was naturally pregnant with identical quadruplet girls. I lost the web address and, being the good aunt that she is, she wouldn't give it to me again. Annika died in utero, Daley right after birth, and Berkley died after a few days in the NICU. Callie, the remaining baby, is recovering from an ostomy surgery and there is now an issue with her circulation. They need all the prayers they can get.

******

There is a post brewing in my head about how backwards feminisim in our country has gotten. Why do I feel the need to say, "I just stay at home." When someone asks? Why the just? The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, people. I also think feminisim has done a terrible injustice in silencing the pain women feel after they have an abortion. It's all about money and politics. If it weren't, there would be a much more open-ended conversation. Why should Planned Parenthood complain, with all of their government funding? (Note to self: Another reason not to vote for Hillary.) Did you know an abortion costs $300 and an adoption costs $30,000? Moving on.

*****

I listened to Dave Ramsey long before the current craze caught on. Did you know that if you invest $75 a month wisely from the time you are 25 to the time you are 75, you will have 4.4 million? This is why I am such a spendthrift. He said that on the radio the other day and followed it with, "Hey, but enjoy that new car!" haha.

*****

While we are gone I will just be posting on Lucy's site. I can't do more than one site, or my brain will combust.

*****

We got Lucy this for Christmas, and I spent $12 at Aldi, instead of $30! Aldi is pretty much the only grocery store at which we shop.

*****

Our pastor had an excellent, excellent sermon last Sunday. My favorite ever from him. We are starting to study the book of Luke. I am beyond excited. Click here and start at 52:00 if you don't have time for the whole thing. I was scribbling and scribbling and scribbling away.

*****

I am still on the prowl for a good coat. I just can't justify $90 for a coat. Someone said Lands' End. Any other ideas?

*****

I am just sending Christmas cards out to those who send them to us this year. Whenever I get one I send one back. Am I a genius or what?*
_______________
*answer: or what.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

because I must not forget

Lucy is:

  • funny. Today we were at Steve and Barry's and she pointed to a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker and said, "That's you, momma!"
  • seeming old! Yesterday: "Mama, we will go to Cintani and I will see doctors and nurses and doctors, and it might hurt a lil' bit, and then I'll get presents!" It seems almost overnight she is absorbing these things and telling them to us in complex sentences.
  • sweet. She is helping me make Christmas cards this year and we have to make sure each one gets a teddy bear and some scribbles on it. We also talk about who will get each one.
  • contrary. No potty training in sight.

Asher is:

  • a momma's boy! Both Lucy and Scott will say, "He just wants his momma!"
  • growing teeth. As soon as the four up top come in he'll need a briefcase and a full-time job.
  • suddenly seeming old, too! He was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor with Lucy's play food while I made dinner and he was having a conversation with the pretend peas. Then he'd hold them out to me, or point at me, or clap. In just the last few days he's really started jabbering; imitating us.
  • a dancer. he will just clench his fists and rock out when music comes on.
  • squishy. I love to hug him!

Monday, December 3, 2007

breast cancer risk

Why do I seem to be the only person who didn't know this?