Sunday, September 30, 2007


I had a bunch of stuff I was going to post now but instead I wanted to direct you here. Copeland was born with Trisomy 18 and lived for a week. But the video. Oh, the video. Especially the beginning where her sister is rocking the baby doll. Wow. So beautiful. These parents could have decided to terminate. Instead they honored God and were able to have a wonderful, heart-wrenching week with their daughter. They embraced her life, knowing full well she might not even live to be born. What a gift. I suppose their story holds a special place in my heart as this is what we were preparing ourselves for with Lucy - a diagnosis of T18.

I hope you're as encouraged by their faith as I am.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

electric green

I was thinking tonight as I mowed our lawn in the pitch black dark that I love our little house. This is the first little house we owned; the little house that greeted two new, sweet downy-headed babies. We walked up to the door, snuggling them, cooing into their ears how good it was to have them home.

The desire for a bigger house is slowly leaving. I go to friends' houses and think I want the bigger and better. But do you know what's funny? THOSE people want better, too. It's human nature.

I went to a pampered chef party the other night, only to realize that I own the food chopper, the microwave veggie steamer, the cookie press, and an entire set of pans. Yah. I really didn't know what half of that stuff was for.

Today we had some men come and cut down a 70-foot tall tree, Lucy's grandparents came to take her to the zoo, my friend and her baby came for lunch, and as she was leaving my brothers Nate and Michael came with Gates Barbeque! We talked politics and they oohed and aahed over Ash. They couldn't believe what a good, quiet baby he is. I guess I forget! As they pulled out of my driveway in their penske truck, it made me hurt with missing them - realizing how much I do when they're gone. Then, it was off to good news club at the public school, where God allowed me to lead a little girl to Christ. Did you know this is only my 2nd time doing so? There is a time after the Bible story that I ask the kids if they want to come and talk to me about God. (hahahaha! good thing they don't read my blog!) One little girl came up with a list of questions:

1. Why were Adam and Eve so stupid?
2. Why did God turn His back on Jesus when Jesus was dying on the cross?
2a. If God can turn His back on His own son, how do I know for sure I am saved? Won't He turn His back on me?
3. Why are so many evil people still going to heaven?
4. What about kids who don't understand yet?
and the classic:
5. What about people who live a good life but don't believe that Jesus is God?

I was going to curl up into her lap in the fetal position and tell her how about SHE answer the questions for ME, but that would be a bit too obvious, no?

Yah, she's 9.

Asher had electric green turds yesterday that you'll have to see to believe (What's that? You wanted me to save the diaper to show you? Don't fret! I will post a photo tomorrow!)

We now put the kids to bed at 7 pm. I always swore up and down the wall of this room that I would NEVER be one of those "boring, regimented parents". Guess what, kids. The BRP are the sane ones. It took a few nights of both kiddos crying and that was it (we're talking 2 hours of screaming). They were, I am happy to report, successfully brainwashed. Ash sleeps from 7 pm to 5 am, nurses, then 5:30 - 7, and Lulu sleeps from 7 pm to 8 am. IT IS HEAVEN. Lu's newest thing is trying to pick him up. Think of the physics of it - a 28-pounder trying to lift and carry a 22-pounder. Ha. He did a face-plant into the carpet this morning.

I am now down 10 pounds in 6 weeks! A lady at Bible study last night noticed. More people are noticing, and that feels good!!!!!!! My original goal was to lose 4 more and then I'd be at wedding weight, but I'm going to go crazy and go for 12 more. I wore some jeans yesterday that I haven't been able to fit into since 1982 (yes, I was 3.) I am nursing Asher an extra lot lately just to burn more calories - and because he's stinking cute and I've been known to go in and cuddle him in the middle of the night just because he's sweet. (Oh, Oedipus! Your mother is calling!)

Many pics coming tomorrow; including Natey and Mike harassing Asher.

Can you tell he is becoming more mobile? He usually unplugs the internet cord (is there such a thing) If I dare blog while he's awake.

Monday, September 24, 2007

100 things about me

I've been in a blogging mood lately, can you tell?

Here goes...
  • I am the youngest of 4; the only girl.
  • Youngest children think the world revolves around them.
  • I walked at 17 months.
  • I almost drowned at 5.
  • My 12 year old brother pulled me out in the nick of time.
  • When I was a baby I first held my head up on my own around 5 months.
  • I was slow.
  • I still am.
  • I was very uncoordinated.
  • I still am.
  • I was approached in a Target store by the same woman who discovered Ashton Kutcher.
  • I went to the agency once and never went back.
  • Scott rolls his eyes at the last two.
  • Reading too many blogs makes me depressed.
  • I compare my life to others too much.
  • I feel sorry for people eating alone in restaurants.
  • I am a teensy bit jealous of people about to have their first baby. That moment of meeting is SO cool.
  • I once sold 2 bottles of used white-out for $3.84 on Ebay (the reason scott decided he should marry me). I sold my wedding dress there. I regret it. But it's not like people actually look at their wedding dress after their big day. Thankfully I kept the veil and purse, so Lucy can wear it (yah right).
  • I didn't care what my wedding looked like, although I really really did not want any tulle on anything but my veil or dress.
  • I piss people off because I take too long to call them back.
  • When I wear a wool sweater, I think of teeth biting the sweater and making that squeaking sound and it gives me the willies.
  • Yogurt is disgusting.
  • I pick my nose when I don't think anyone's looking.
  • Sometimes Scott is.
  • I used to be nearly fluent in Spanish.
  • I have forgotten so much of it.
  • Before I had babies I was a special ed teacher.
  • I still can't believe I'm a wife and a mom.
  • I got my period when I was 16.
  • I got my first kiss when I was 19.
  • I do things slowly.
  • I am clumsy.
  • People gravitate towards me because I ask them probing questions and actually care what they say.
  • I like people who are laid back about phone ettiquette. I'm not a big phone person and it makes me nervous.
  • I think I spelled ettiquette wrong.
  • I would love to adopt a 2 - 4 year old.
  • Scott wouldn't.
  • I taught kids with severe behavior disorders before I was a mom.
  • One said he wanted to eat my liver.
  • Another punched my abdomen while I was pregnant with Lucy.
  • That was the end of teaching.
  • I am always horrified that I might have bad breath.
  • I thought I MIGHT be married by the time I was 32 or so; maybe have kids by the time I was 40.
  • I wore a shirt with my name emblazoned across the front the first time I met Scott.
  • He thought I was a wacko.
  • He still does.
  • I admire my brothers because they are all very driven.
  • I am, sometimes.
  • I have a slight crush on the UPS man.
  • I wonder why my mom didn't think I was retarded when I did things so late as a child.
  • My son just learned to sit up, like last week. He's 8 months old.
  • We had 7 foreign exchange students growing up.
  • I've been to 46 of the 50 states.
  • I have knock-knees.
  • Sometimes I dream about Lucy's twin. A boy named Ben.
  • I spend too much time worrying about things that probably won't ever happen. And if they do, worrying wouldn't have helped anyway.
  • I love my friends who actually write snail mail back to me. That's cool.
  • I will always have a double chin.
  • I like my lips.
  • I am obsessed with names. I think I creep people out when I haven't seen them for awhile and then rattle off their kids' first and middle names.
  • I love staying in hotels.
  • I never do.
  • U2 takes me back to my childhood.
  • It was a good one.


I don't yike that noise. (in reference to my dad's very loud snoring)

let's watch mickey mou!

asher man, suck on my boobs! (it's hilaeious to hear hee boss him around)

I wuv you daddy (mommy hasn't heard that yet, interestingly or not so
interestingly enough)

toast = toasty boasty
oatmeal = opanoe
olives = olibs

(after seeing scott's shirt is dirty) "You need a new onesie, daddy."

We hear at least once a day, "I want fwies!"

"Your cwotch is funny, mama."

whenever she gets hurt she says, i'm sorry! it is endearingly sweet.

cute things your kids do?

"Give me two hundred two-year olds and I'll conquer the world in two weeks."
~Bill Cosby

Sunday, September 23, 2007


I don't think I have gotten Lucy to sit still long enough to get a photo of her new shoes. Her grandparents got her these and these:
And here is Asher sporting his new shoes. They are ADORABLE Converse. Lucky kid. I got my first pair when I was 15!
Question of the day: how do you balance needs of friends with needs of your family?

Friday, September 21, 2007


step step

your walk is awkward and determined. sippy cup in hand, eyes on toes.

sunlight glints on your concentration
each step carefully placed
makes cinderella the belle of the ball.

some moments, sweet daughter
are emblazoned in my mind forever like the 4 pm sun
glinting on your new pink shoes.

I never knew I wanted a daughter - only sons for me, I thought.

but you can't buy sons cinderella shoes.

new shoes -
a happy little girl

the hot pink gage on my heart tips precariously to


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

ok ok I will quit being such a pansy about getting clothes for my kids
from the in laws. wah wah wah. poor rachey.

actually it's more about wanting autonomy from his side of the family.
we already have it from mine. there is an expectation that we see
both sides every week or so, and for me, that's too much. so I guess
it comes down to just having the guts to say, "hey, this weekend is
our family weekend" without anyone getting offended. I seriously have
to switch out pictures that are sitting around our house dependant on
who is coming over. so, I guess you could say I enable the annoying

today I was feeling down so met my mom at kohl's. we see my parents
every weekend. they rock hardcore. they're just cool. if you don't
know my 'rents i'm sorry for ya.

anyway, I was telling her about my obsessive fears involving scott
getting hit by a semi and she thought it best we not discuss his
demise in front of our progeny. duh.

poor lucy. here she is in high school. "um, actually guys, you can't
come to my house. my mom's doing interpretive dancing to the
schindler's list soundtrack while she reads 'the bell jar' and plays
with my dad's razor. maybe next time!"

"Give me two hundred two-year olds and I'll conquer the world in two weeks."
~Bill Cosby

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


tree fell on our power lines stop I have bad gas stop I've been
getting emails but it takes too long to respond so I will respond when
power is back on stop did I mention I am farting a lot today stop I
was 45 minutes late to bible study stop isn't that some kind of crime?
stop the convict has been running around our neighborhood drunk stop
asher owns his very own tiny chuck taylors stop if you don't know what
chuck taylors are shame on you stop lots of cio going on at this house
stop lots to fill you in on stop


Saturday, September 15, 2007


Can you believe it's been 5 whole days since I've posted? Wow.

Life has been full - MOPS, play dates with friends, walks to Target, normal household chores, church, etc. It's been very good.

I HATE summer and I LOVE fall and winter. The colder and the icier, the better. Scott says that's when we all slide off the road and die, but I don't have to drive anywhere to work so I don't worry about that.

I am wearing pink pants from the Limited today and Scott says they look funny. Ok, Mr. Jean Shorts man. I have lost 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks!

I've been at my parents' overnight the last 2 nights; I made $80 at their garage sale! Some lady asked if I had any more baby clothes. I couldn't bear to part with their little things. I have them all packed away in buckets. Ah, who are we kidding? We'll probably try to have another baby sometime. I told Scott he could get the vasectomy and he is suddenly balking. No Nuvaring for me. A lady I know at church got a blood clot in her lung from it!!!!! And who wants to put a ring in their vagina, anyway?

So, anyway. Not ready to make the decision right now. It seems so final. I think we're both at that place. On the other hand, I nearly vomit thinking about being pregnant again. So.

I look at my sister in law with 3 kids and ask her how she does it. She responded that she didn't have a choice, so she just DID it. She is such a great mom. SO even-keeled and wonderful! You rock Al!

And here's one of my sweet niece for good measure (my brother Dan and Allison Lansing's daughter, for those of you who knew them in high school)

My brothers are coming from Tokyo and Indianapolis this next weekend. Can't WAIT to see them!

We are going to go to the berry patch after naps. Scott and Lucy put up fall Scooby Doo clings on the front door. Yes, they are tacky. No, I will not begrudge my daughter that fun.

I love the smell in the air - someone is burning something and I hope they burn it for the next 3 months.

Both sets of my in-laws are coming over Sunday, and then Monday. I don't have a thing to cook. I think I will bring my 3 partners in crime to the store with me; make them suffer too.

It's only fair.

My awesome husband got an awesome raise at work. Congratulations to him and to me!!!!! And also, he's allergic to wheat gluten. His health problems explained.

So, in my 5-day absense we looked adorable:
colored at Nana's:
tried on Halloween costumes:

Monday, September 10, 2007

i like cookies

The scene:
8 pm, lying next to my 7 month old on the bed, reading.
Apparently my book was too good (I've been going through one a day), because I didn't notice when Asher rolled and rolled and then fell 3 feet to the floor, rolled again, and hit his head on the dresser.

Um, yah.

Upcoming post topics (vote for which you'd like to hear about):
1. Why I don't want to show my face at my 10 year reunion (involves various make out sessions with my former classmates)
2. How I had always wondered if I would think my kids were the most beautiful babies ever, even if they had misshapen heads (those run in my family). My kids were not pretty newborns.
3. Things God is showing me in unexpected places.
4. Scott's mom coming for dinner on Thursday and my surprisingly altruistic feelings towards her. (is it 'towards' or 'toward'?)

My Grandma turned 95 yesterday. NINETY-FIVE, people. My other grandma turned 95 a month ago. My Grandpa passed away at 97. This is unbelievable to me. The fact that I've been blessed with my grandparents for so long. Isn't my Grandma a rockin' 95? Scott told me that when I wear the Ergo it accentuates my "womanly bulges". No, it was definitely not a compliment. I am laughing right now, just writing that.

My brother Daniel's wife Al is sickeningly cute:

And, um, where did this 3rd grader come from?

Friday, September 7, 2007

confiscated mail

Time for, "What would you do?" with your host, Hattie Headcase.

The neighbors across the street (where the convict I accosted lives) offered to watch Lucy one day. "Uh, sure! You can feed her fruit snacks right after you've finished cooking your Crystal Methamphetamines on the stove!" niiiiiiiiiiiice. But, that's a story for another day.

I went to SL. Once again, she saved the day. I told her I was a headcase and she agreed that I might be a little bit. But, we all know that, right? Right. I told her that the night before I was convinced my heart was going to stop in my sleep. Isn't OCD fun, people? Anyway.

I was supposed to be collecting money for Rachael, Hannah's mom. This was from a group of girls that I met online 3 years ago (Rachael's sister Jess is in that group), when we were all first pregnant. Well, I collected 200 dollars and went and got some BEAUTIFUL sterling silver jewelry and a little turtle for Lily. Well, I looked up their address online, and sent it a month ago. i JUST found out that that was their OLD address, and they haven't lived there for 2 years!!!!! so i called the guy whose address that is and i asked him about it and he had a thick foreign accent, but told me he didn't know what I was talking about and quickly hung up. So that makes me think he just got the stuff and kept it. I am imagining him in his basement, listing all the stuff on ebay while wearing a bookie hat. UPS records show that the turtle was delivered. It was SOOOOOOOOOO stinkin' cute!
How frustrating! Everyone was counting on me and I blew it! It is really bothering me. I have never had trouble finding an address on switchboard before. Do I just go buy the stuff again? I don't think I'll stop feeling bad about it any other way. ARRRRRRRRGH. I need an Alka Seltzer.

So, today's question. What would you do? Scott told me to write him a nice note, explaining the circumstances. Well, um, it wasn't really a nice note, more, um, hate mail, talking about mail fraud and the like. Written on Hello Kitty paper. I'm sure that would have been received very warmly. Hey, maybe he thought I was a telemarketer. Never thought about that. Or maybe, like my friend Krista said, he is down on his luck and thought the stuff would be nice for his family. Or maybe he is dipping the stuff in chocolate and starting an online business -, "delivered direct to your door! And if it's really not even addressed to you, open it anyway!"


Oh, and you probably saw the nice comment on the post where I talk about spanking Lucy. LISTEN, people. We spank our daughter out of love. We do it because she needs direction. I don't believe spanking is anything other than a wooden spoon on the little thigh. I get SO frustrated when I hear about someone talking about how they were in Hy-Vee and they witnessed a woman slapping her ketchup-stained kid in a fit of rage. THAT IS NOT SPANKING. That is abuse. When we spank Lucy she is given a warning. Lucy, if you continue to do that, you will get a spanking. If she continues to do it, we get out the spoon, and she gets 4 swats. Then she sits in the lap of whoever gave her the spanking and we explain to her that we love her dearly, but we need for her to listen to us so that we can keep her safe and out of danger. Then there are hugs and kisses all around. I firmly believed that children need to be reminded, sometimes physically, that their actions have painful consequences. I would MUCH rather have her learn that form me than from someone else later in life, when the consequences would be MUCH more painful.

It's funny - even a year ago I would have freaked out if someone disagreed with my parenting style. I feel like I've come into my own a bit - you do it your way, I'll do it mine! Let's all eat pizza!

Ooh, pizza. Yum.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

head case

Why am I such a friggin' head case? I'll do so well for a long time and then everything comes crashing down around me. I have that angelcare monitor that was wonderful when Asher was a tiny baby, because I didn't have to worry about SIDS. Now that he's older, he keeps rolling off the damn thing and the alarm sounds probably 2 times a night. My rational side says, "Put the thing away." My OCD side says, "No, he won't be safe!" I want to insulate my children and everyone else from the bad things in the world but it just can't be done. We got a $2000 bill in the mail from the Children's Hospital and I'm freaking out about that. The Bible verses about not worrying and allowing God to take care of you keep popping into my mind, but my mind likes to submerge them in worry again.

I'm a crapper of a mom. Lucy has been watching Elmo's Potty Time since 8:05. It's now 10:19. You do the math. She told me she wants to see "Nina", my mom, "because she's coot." (cute). She is so, so funny. Do they really get more fun after this age? It is really, really hard to believe. It's so much fun to watch her learn and grow. She is consistently mean to Asher. When I'm out of the room she'll hit him in the face. So no more me out of the room. Last night Scott was commenting how much like a "big boy" Asher looks. He is so sweet.

We have Bible study tonight but I don't know if we will go. Honestly? Scott is exhausted. I'm just exhausted. It seems there is something every night and family time is just not happening. Well, this weekend was a good time - just hanging out and not worrying about much else. (Worrying, ha.) Physically, mentally, spiritually, I'm exhausted. Depression is a curse and I hate it. It's not something that you can sit and say, "Just don't worry. Just think about something else." I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I remember feeling like this in high school, when I was contemplating ending it all to get away from the anxiety. And here I am again. I just hate it so much. It robs the joy from everything and I don't understand why God would give me this cross to bear. What purpose does it serve? So my kids can watch me cry and not want to get out of my pajamas until noon? I will feel better tomorrow but today I feel like crap in a can. I HATE THIS.

I spent hours picking out a beautiful sterling bracelet and necklace and little turtle that shines stars on the ceiling for Hannah's (the little girl who just passed away) mom, aunt, and sister. I just found out today that they didn't get it. I guess I sent it to the wrong address?! Now I'm all worried that everyone thinks I just took their money and spent it on myself.

I know all this crap (pun intended) with Lucy has been weighing on me, and the situation with Scott's mom. I just don't know what to do about that. If I call her we will just rehash old hurts, and I don't want to do that. But I don't want to shut her out, either...Email is just too easy. Maybe I'll do that.

I keep wondering why God would give us this world that has glimpses of wonder in it and then allow the possibility for cancer and car wrecks and killings. And why would He require that we believe in what we cannot see? It seems like some sort of messed up mind game; almost contrived. "Well, you have to believe this before you get to see the Kingdom. I invented the world and everything in it, just not evil. That just happened to be there." WHA???? So much of life doesn't make sense and at times I believe this God thing is just a way for us to feel better about how messed up it is. Kind of like a pat on the back after the big universal car wreck.

I decided it's high time to see Shrink Lady again. The only time she had open was tomorrow morning, which was when I was supposed to meet with my sister in law and cousin and get our 8 kids together for a play date. But I really feel so depressed again and I need to see her.

If you were expecting daisies and roses I'm sorry to disappoint. I need a walk and some Target.

Some day I'll read this blog post and laugh.

Not today, cowboys, not today.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

hair cut

I was tired of looking like some bad version of Pocahontas - with my hair all long and greasy and stringy, like I'm waiting for John Smith's grease boat to come to shore so I can braid flowers into my nappy locks. If that didn't make sense to you it's probably because you haven't had a conversation with me in person. :)
My hair was down to my shoulder blades and I always had it back in a pony tail holder. Scott told me I always look like I'm ready for a volleyball match.
Enough volleyball - Cassie the hairstylist cut and cut and cut, and...

Saturday, September 1, 2007


Lucy had three spankings last night. Three spankings in the span of one hour. The first was because she was supposed to be in her big girl bed and she was instead torturing her defenseless younger sibling. We heard a scream. I ran into the kids' room and there were Lucy and Asher, in his crib. Oh, and she was JUMPING ON HIS HEAD. Yes, JUMPING ON HIS HEAD. He was screaming like I've never heard him scream. I grabbed the spanking spoon and gave her the customary 4 swats on the thigh. I held her and rocked her and told her how much I love her, but I need her to obey. I thought we were over it. Then, she was spanked two more times: one because she refused to sit down on her bed after Scott asked her nicely, and another because she got out of her bed. I don't know if we are spanking too much or if she is just a stubborn little kid. :)

I am inspired by my friend Alisa who does all manner of fun things with her son. So, we have started "learning time" after lunch every day, where I do an activity with her of some type. Today we made fruit salad. Scott was cringing as she licked the fruit, then put it in the bowl. Don't worry, no one reading this blog is going to the dinner we're going to tonight. :) Anyway, you'd think that the teaching her things would be a no-brainer since I am an elementary teacher. Honestly? I've thought of her as a baby for so long. (And yes - babies are VERY teachable, though in a different way.) The realization that she is halfway to kindergarten hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I need to be more intentional about teaching her little mind new concepts. I feel like my mom was always so good at just teaching us as we went about the day instead of feeling like she always needed to entertain us. We were around her as she cooked and cleaned and did all of those "mom" things.

Lucy loves to vex her little brother. It seems that within the past month her psyche has taken a 180 turn from this sweet, loving little thing to this constant tester. Now I'M the parent of the temper-tantruming toddler in the Target toilet paper aisle.

How I regret those dirty looks I gave parents before I was one. Karma's a sweet one.