Friday, August 31, 2007


I am trying to potty train Lucy. I took off her diaper and let her run around and told her that when she needs to use the potty she needs to tell me. She ran into her room and then came back to me a while later, pee running down her leg. I wasn't sure if she got the concept of there needing to be urine in the potty, until I asked her where she had gone potty, and she directed me to her room, where there was a large puddle on the floor. (That was a terrible run-on sentence.) Any other ideas on how to get her more interested in potty training? I know the running around naked thing has worked for some people but not so much for me. :)

I got this swimming suit at Target for $2.24 for Lucy for next year. She wore it all day yesterday. I am quite proud of that purchase.

I think I will force Scott to go to Wal-Mart with us this evening. It will be a fun family activity. MuHahahaha.

I loooooooooooooove the Ergo. I was able to go on a walk with my neighbor yesterday and NURSE ASHER AT THE SAME TIME! You hear me right! (Aren't you proud of me Korin?)

Lucy has been going to the corner and crying in the nursery. I think we need to calm down the Cincinnati talk. Sometimes I still think of her as a baby and don't realize how much that affects her - she will literally listen in the next room while we are on the phone. All of the workers were commenting on how she just doesn't seem like her normal self. That broke our hearts, hearing that.

We decided on the Nuvaring. I don't want the IUD perforating my uterus. And what if I don't like it? I can't take it out myself? CREEPY.

I have lost 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks on Weight Watchers. I have been very strict with it (minus yesterday when I ate a batch of Chocolate Chip cookies - goodbye, flex points!). I can already tell with my clothes.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


I have an appointment today that I invited Scott to come to. We will be discussing birth control with the doctor.

I have not had to think about birth control for 3 years. First came Lucy, then I had a cycle, and Asher was conceived (someday those words will make their stomachs churn as they think of their parents having s*ex. Sorry, kids.)

We are at a crossroads now. (boy, am I dramatic) I would like something reliable. Something I don't have to think of taking every day. I don't know how I feel about birth control for a variety of reasons. FIrst, the Catholics among us will tell you that they cause abortions. If I believe that life begins at conception, as I do, then I must either take that to its logical end and swear off birth control or tell you that I don't believe it. There are some who are even against con*doms, because they say that is taking the beauty out of the marital act and squelching the possibility of life. I'm not sure that I agree with that, because as far as God is concerned, where there's a will there's a way. If he wants me to have another baby, I will have another baby. If he doesn't, I won't.

I have strongly considered the Mirena IUD - that is the direction I'm leaning. It prevents you from ovulating by sending small amounts of hormone to your uterus. I wouldn't have Scott asking me if I've taken a pill, and your fertility returns almost immediately when you have it removed. You can have it in for up to 5 years.

I don't know that I could do another pregnancy right now. Actually, I know that Scott knows he can't. But then maybe that's us not trusting God. But then I felt like it was a huge leap of faith to have Asher after all of the problems we had having Lucy. It is all so confusing.

So, what birth control do you use? Or do you? Post anonymously if you'd like.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


I often wonder what the 28-year-old Lucy would say. Would she want us to go ahead and do this pull-through? Would she tell us it's easier with a colostomy? I don't want to make decisions for her that we might later regret. Right now everything is natural (aside from the co*lostomy itself). What I mean to say is, she does not need any aids to get the po*op out. If we go the pull-through route, she will have to take 1 - 2 enem*as every day for the rest of her life, whether she likes it or not, and probably lots of laxatives. What will that do to her system? No one knows - this particular surgery has only been around for 20 years. What happens to the body of someone who has had daily enem*as for 50 years? It certainly can't be good. They also want to do an exploratory surgery - if you've read my blog at all you know my views on surgery (c-section, et al) have changed somewhat. Scott says that just may be a deal-breaker. We are still trying to decide if he will go, my aunt will go (thank you, Mary for offering!), or my parents will go. And if we'll go in October or December. The worst thing that could happen is we go to the bowel management clinic, decide she won't have the pull-through, but get some great tips on how to keep her bag empty and poop-free for 24 hours.

Lucy, what would the 28-year-old version of you tell me? What will you want?

I'd like to know.


I often wonder what the 28-year-old Lucy would say. Would she want us to go ahead and do this pull-through? Would she tell us it's easier with a colostomy? I don't want to make decisions for her that we might later regret. Right now everything is natural (aside from the co*lostomy itself). What I mean to say is, she does not need any aids to get the po*op out. If we go the pull-through route, she will have to take 1 - 2 enem*as every day for the rest of her life, whether she likes it or not, and probably lots of laxatives. What will that do to her system? No one knows - this particular surgery has only been around for 20 years. What happens to the body of someone who has had daily enem*as for 50 years? It certainly can't be good. They also want to do an exploratory surgery - if you've read my blog at all you know my views on surgery (c-section, et al) have changed somewhat. Scott says that just may be a deal-breaker. We are still trying to decide if he will go, my aunt will go (thank you, Mary for offering!), or my parents will go. And if we'll go in October or December. The worst thing that could happen is we go to the bowel management clinic, decide she won't have the pull-through, but get some great tips on how to keep her bag empty and poop-free for 24 hours.

Lucy, what would the 28-year-old version of you tell me? What will you want?

I'd like to know.

Sunday, August 26, 2007


I just got off the phone confronting my mother-in-law with some lies she told me. BIG lies. She even lied about things I had said - made them up. I am not going to expound because that would be a breech of my husband's confidence, but I got off the phone shaking, but calm.

As we were talking, she made up more lies and couldn't even admit she was lying again. It was terrible. I started feeling like I was talking to a 7-year-old. I told her not to patronize me. I told her I was very, very angry that she came into my house, ate my food, held my kids, sat on my couch, visciously lying the whole time. And that the only person it really hurts is Scott. In a big, big way. It has really made me realize what a big step it was for Scott to trust me as his wife, when he had that kind of example. He is really nothing short of amazing.

I told Scott about our conversation and he was stoic as always. I ended the conversation with her by saying that I had nothing more to say. Then I hung up. I really never understood how family members could be estranged from each other, because my family is wonderful. Now I understand it.

One thing I don't understand is how I got such a great husband out of all of this. Yes, he has his faults. Many. But he is kind and caring and honest to the core.

I am so proud of myself for confronting. The 3 years ago version of me would have just swept it under the rug and let it stew.

I have no idea what will happen between my mother in law and I. I would be very justified in never allowing her to see us or the children again, but that would only hurt my children. It will take awhile to decide what to do. For the first time I realize just what I'm dealing with, and it makes me immeasurably sad that Scott had to grow up with that. Someone who would so visciously hurt her own children. I don't understand it, and I'm glad I don't.


Last night Scott and I went out on a lovely date night. His dad and stepmom watched the kids, and we went to the Olive Garden and then to the Bourne Supremacy. GREAT! I LOVE those movies! We were talking about it later and I think the reason we like them is because Matthew Webb is a GOOD guy. He's not proud of the fact that he has to kick some hiney to get to the truth. And he does some kick-butt stuff in the movie! The last 10 seconds were GREAT and left everyone laughing. If you've seen it, you know what I mean!

The Olive Garden. Oh, the Olive Garden. I was telling Scott how I couldn't believe his mom told me such a bold-faced lie when she came over the other day to eat lunch at my house. She told me that after her parents died, Scott's dad stole $80,000 from them. Last week, that evening after she left my house,I told Scott what she had said when he got home. He told me that actually his grandparents had given his dad and him the money; they wanted he and his dad to have it. He and his dad faithfully loved and cared for his mom's parents, because that's the kind of people they are. They obviously weren't in it for any money. Anyway, his grandparents actually told Scott that they wanted him to use the money for school - to pay off loans. Well, his mom, who wasn't speaking to her parents but came out of the woodwork when she heard they were sick, told he and his dad she wanted the money.

His dad just paid her the money because they were her parents. He wrote her a check and Scott saw him do it.

What Scott told me last night was that she took the money, even knowing that her parents wanted Scott to have a big chunk of it for college expenses. "I would NEVER do that to my child. Take money from one of them?! And then buy a big house and a brand new car and parade it in front of them? She hurt me because she so deeply hurt and betrayed YOU." - said I in a quivering voice, tears now rain drops in the pond of my soup.

What I really cannot believe is this: that she told me such a bold-faced lie, in my house, while holding my children, eating my food.

I have never felt so utterly betrayed.

What is even harder for me to comprehend is taking money that rightfully belonged to your own child.

"I used to be angry about it, but that got me nowhere.  Bitterness didn't help the situation at all." Yes, I married a good man. Knowing all of this helps me to understand his relationship with his mom so much more - and how it was hard for him to trust me at first.

I agree. And while if I had a conversation with her last night I would have punched her in the jaw, I know I am asked to forgive, 70 x 7, as Jesus did. I don't want to, but I have to.

Which leads me to another issue: Where do we go from here? Now that someone I was beginning to accept for who she is has totally betrayed my trust, where do I go from here? I don't know that I am even comfortable having her watch my kids any more. What will she tell them? And what else has she lied to me about? And how COULD she? Brand new house, brand new car, while Scott is still working to pay off his college loans. She would give us $250 at Christmas time and I thought she was being so generous. Scott never seemed overly impressed, and now I know why. I am just so hurt and so angry. Angry because she took money that was not hers to take, and because she sat in my couch and lied to me about it. That's pretty darn ballsy.

"It's not how my grandparents wanted it, but it's what she chose to do."

The bitterness and deceit will end here. However. I am definitely not going to sweep this under the rug. I am going to take my time, but she will know my exact feelings. Scott got 15 years to deal with this news, and it's not something I'm not going to get over overnight. I just don't know what my next step should be.


Friday, August 24, 2007

rhetoric saves?

My friend Brian wrote this, I just nodded my head the entire time. And before anyone passes "judgement" on a mom who drinks or smokes or does anything else that could harm the 'fetus' during her pregnancy, that person need to make sure they are not pro-choice. If you are, it makes no sense. The mom can end the life of her baby, but not simply harm it by smoking and using drugs? Huh? (totally a sidenote, but something I thought of the other day.) Ah, the crazy world we live in...on to Brian's comments...

08.07.07    RHETORIC SAVES

love how rhetoric saves the conscience from conviction.  you can spin
anything, neutral or negative and turn it into a positive.  abortion
isn't the killing of life (whether or not you believe in the snuffing
of the soul is irrelevant.  the fact stands that abortion kills life is
scientifically proven).  no, abortion isn't pro-kill, it's pro choice.
maybe hitler should have adopted that muzzled phrase when it came to
his policy for the jews.  pro-choice.  has a guilt-free ring to it.  (i
am talking about the act of abortion and the support of its practice.
i realize there are people we all know and love who have regretfully
gone through the procedure.  these people are no better or worse than
myself and need forgiveness just like me.  and even moreso, they are
more than just physically wounded but spiritually and emotionally
wounded and need compassionate restoration.  i do not judge.  i
empathize.  its the ongoing support of both the philosophy behind
abortion and the procedure itself that is abhorrent)   

now for atheism and agnosticism - which inspired these thoughts today.
saw an ad on myspace moments ago directing me to their "free-thinkers"
website)   the atheists and agnostics, instead of leaving their belief
system bare for all to see just as they are - as those who are without
a belief in God or who have an honest unsureness of God's existence,
have for some reason   felt the need to sugar-coat in condescending
fashion toward the 90% of us in this world who believe in a life bigger
than self by calling themselves 'free-thinkers'.  this term doesn't
help anyone.  its arrogant, dishonest and condescending.  i guess in
order to be a free thinker, one has to free themselves from the notion
of a Higher Power and instead replace God with the god of self.  it's
trading one set of chains for another.  so who's really free?  i do not
respect atheism in the slightest because it is either willful ignorance
or outright intellectual arrogance that rests one there.  agnosticism,
however, i can handle because it admits an honest human position of
ignorance - to simply not know or be sure of something intangible.
that is honest.  but to set yourself apart from the religious as a
"free-thinker" presupposes everyone else is weak-minded.  but i guess
its consistent with social darwinism.  survival of the fittest.  and in
this case, the intellectually fit.  but i'm confused.  atheism asserts
a meaningless material existence with no transcendent virtue and only
man-made constructs for survival purposes.  yet it espouses
free-thinking (that has nothing to do with survival) as a virtue?
should it even matter?  anyway, this whole free thinking thing i
totally disrespect because it claims a monopoly on reason and asserts
through the philosophical impugning of the existence of the soul, an
elitist position whereby there is an inherent discrimination against
anyone religious be it Mother Theresa, Jesus or Ghandi...who i guess
were intellectual slaves and therefore a virus among humanity? 


why do we feel the need to twist our language in order to support our
actions or beliefs?  is it because we recognize something incomplete or
wrong with our actions that we have to convince our soul to turn a
blind eye...that what we do or who we are isn't really all that bad?  i
think so.  so here are a few more lies we can tell ourselves to help us
keep feeding our appetites of self and social destruction:

can't judgmentalism just be 'morally discerning'.  or how about
sleeping around?  it's not adultery, it's 'sexual liberation'.  or
hurting people to get something you want.  it's not selfish or rude.
it's "extremely motivated".  lying?  slander?  obscenity?  no.  'free
speech'.  stealing?  try 'borrowing'.  or how bout our kids being
disobedient and out of control.  nah...they're just 'a.d.d.'  these are
just a few examples.  the list keeps going and going...

*sidenote by me, Rachel - I KNOW someone is going to come and say, "Well, ADD is a real chemical imbalance." Yes, it can be. Just like depression

Thursday, August 23, 2007


My friend Booz wrote a great piece that I am going to post later today.

Feel free to diagnose my husband - ever since I was pregnant with Lucy he has had an upset stomach and nausea. He has been off and on Protonix, which does seem to help, but should that be a long-term fix? He had an abdominal ultrasound, nothing. Blood tests, nothing. This after he lost 15 pounds and he doesn't have weight to lose. He is starting to gain weight and feel better but last night was a bad night again. He said he feels like an old man. It tears me up because there's nothing I can do. He is doing all the "right" things and still feels sick. Diagnosis, anyone? IT is so, so frustrating.

Cincy called today. They had a week in October for us to come and do the bowel management, but my parents are going to be in Tokyo the whole month. They were going to come with me and help me with Asher man. They were in Hawai'i when Asher was born, and now Tokyo. I tell you, they are travelling fools. It is frustrating because I just want to get this train ROLLING. I prayed last night that it would all work out in God's timing, and that she would actually call back and schedule. Which is funny, because I prayed specifically that she would call first thing this morning, and she DID! After hearing nothing for 3 weeks. Coincidence, or? And no, God is not Santa Claus, I know that. But He DOES ask us to make our petitions and prayers known to Him. What verse is that? I am too lazy to look it up atm. (at the moment). They do have the clinic in December, but December is an awful long time to wait and be nervous. But, maybe that's what I'm supposed to do. Or maybe I'm supposed to leave Asher for 9 days (GULP) while we go with Lucy. They will give her an e*nema every day as well as take an x-ray to see where her poo is in her intestine. Oh, speaking of poo...

It was really cute when I ran to get a diaper and Ash was already turned on his tummy crashed out. He had just taken a crapper so I didn't think there was any harm in a good old-fashioned butt-airing. This picture is cropped so I wouldn't be posting his bu*tt on the internet, but if you could see the whole photo you would be sighing a collective, "awwwwwww". So, no harm in a diaperless nap, right?Copyright_2

Tell that to my carpet.


There's an abyss here, a little to the left of and behind me. It stays, waits. Crouches, claws ready to sink into flesh. It's a shadow-shaped figure I am powerless to stop; stay, stay here in bed.
Cartoon sounds from the living room, baby giggles in a crib.
A disconnect; wires snap and synapses pop, I stare at the wall. Another day. A phone call - She wants me to go to the mall; I don't see cute clothes and pretzel treats. I see the man who kidnapped a woman, killed her.

Dangers everywhere. Better to stay at home.

The car - we can't go in the car. Dangers everywhere. What would I do? Better to stay home, home and safe.

Today I read a sentence from the misinformed - she told me that the abyss is nothing more than a state of mind, a matter of feeling glee when shadows abound. How I wish I didn't know the feeling - where dark closes in and panic reigns.

The abyss threatens to smash the small joys in my days; grocery store runs and giggles from my children.

"Put one foot in front of the other," she said, watching my shaking hands fumble with a tissue. "Even when you feel terrible, do it. Your actions become your thoughts. Soon, light will shine again. You will feel better." I felt this way before Asher was born, and it rang true.

The abyss beckons me - stay, stay here. Here you are safe. Here you have control. Withdraw.


We do need groceries - and a car ride would be good.

I open the door
quietly the hinges creak, groaning under my momentous decision.

The light comes pouring in.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Guys - I LOVE the Ergo! It is so wonderful! Ash has been riding in it most of today, and I walked a really long walk yesterday and had Lulu in it on my back for the last 1.5 miles. She did really really well and my back didn't even hurt! So, Arwen, Kiki, Krista and Korin, thank you for suggesting it! Best $92 I ever spent. I am selling our barely-used Bjorn on Ebay, because if we ever have another baby we can just get the infant insert for the Ergo. I LOVE IT! I wanted to post some pictures yesterday but I couldn't find my camera.

I am getting better at just telling people how I feel - in general, letting people know where I stand. I don't know why I didn't do this a long time ago, because it is really freeing not to be so caught up in what other people think of you, etc. You know?

Lucy is SO funny. Oh my goodness I just love that girl to pieces! This morning I walked into her room right before I took my shower and she said, "I love your boobies, Mama!" I thought I was going to pee my pants (well, I didn't have any on). It was so funny. Oh Lucy, you just light up my days with your funny ways!

Asher is getting ready to crawl. I love love love this age. I get to meet my anonymous internet friend for the first time tomorrow - she's coming over for lunch. Should be fun.

I've started the Core Weight Watchers diet (have been following it since Sunday) and I am amazed at how good I feel, already. It is really balanced and still allows whole grain pasta, fruits, stuff that South Beach doesn't allow. I think without those things I would go nuts. And this seems healthier, too. I am wanting to lose 10 - then I would be right where I was when we got married, and I feel good at that weight. I was thinking today that I need to be happy with my body how it is NOW, not 10 pounds from now, etc. I'm big-boned (according to my husband) so I will never be a stick. I'm ok with that. Anyway, I decided I really like my lips and my eyes - and I have cute little ears. I like my hair color, too, and what else...hmmm... one guy in a store in Cali thought I was Brooke Shields. She is impossibly skinny. How is she so skinny? I have always been told that I look like her. I will take that. Today I was watching Oprah and they were saying we shouldn't want to lose weight because it looks good but because it's healthier. That is so true and so easy to forget. Anyway, lips - Scott has the biggest lips of anyone I have ever seen - they are very nice. So mix our genes together and Asher's lips are out of control. What are your favorite things about yourself? It seems in our society we are always harping on our bodies. Let's start doing the opposite! So, tell me - what do you like about your physical appearance? No voiding it with something you DON'T like, either! (We women are wont to do that.) Brag on yourself. Do it. It's fun. If you don't want to, leave your name and I will brag on you FOR you.

We have Bible study tomorrow night and I am excited about that. Hopefully the two ladies I invited will come!

Can you tell it was a good day today? We're still waiting to hear from Cincy. A step at a time, or else I'd crap my pants.

Gotta go spend some time with the hubster before he serves me papers for having an affair with my Dell. 'Night!

Sunday, August 19, 2007


I was sitting in church next to my new friend, praying that God would use me in some sort of way today to encourage someone else - and that it would be unmistakably HIS work and not mine. I had no idea He would fulfill my request within minutes of my giving it wings and sending it to Him, wherever He is. The pastor was encouraging us to "pray big", to pray for big things in our lives unselfishly, things that would further God's kingdom. I wrote my friend a note that I needed to go feed Ash and left out the back doors.

I walked into the nursing mothers' room and saw two women sitting in the rockers. One I knew, the other I didn't. I was frustrated because I was supposed to be encouraging new people to join our small group right after the service, and knew that if I didn't hurry then I wouldn't make it to the gym in time to get to my table to tell everyone to come to our small group.

Anyway, the women I knew left, leaving just me and the other woman. I asked her what her name was, oohed and aahed over her baby, asked her how she found out about the church. Turns out she just drove by the church and saw the sign; decided to come.

We started talking and I found out she's a 22 year old single mom with a 6 year old son and a 5 month old daughter.

"My baby's father and I separated last year after my daughter passed away. We decided it - "

"I am SO sorry. How did she pass away?"

"Well, I put her down for her afternoon nap, and she was already cold when I went in to get her. She was 10 days old. My best friends at my church told me it happened to me because I wasn't one of God's chosen. Could that be true? Do you think it happened to me because I didn't do something right? I can't be mad at God - I need Him too much. But do you think it could have happened because I wasn't chosen?"

(First of all, it happened a year ago. I have no idea how she's not curled up in bed crying still. This woman is amazing. Second of all, how did she say all of this without breaking down? And how is she doing all of this ALONE?)

"No, I think sometimes crap happens and there's no way to explain it, and you just get through it the best you can, and lean on people who understand. It's not a matter of God choosing us, it's a matter of us choosing God - but it's still a sinful world and we have to deal with the repercussions of that, you know? Would you mind if I looked up some stuff for you? About being chosen by God and also about our infant loss support group? I could stand to learn some more about that "chosen" theology, too."

Tears glistened. "I would love that. Oh, I would love that."

I invited her to our small group and she said she would be there, that she'd definitely be there.

For some reason God keeps directing people my direction who are hurting. I am so confused as to why, because I always say dumb stuff and awkwardly try to console. There are people reading this blog whom I've tried to comfort in their hurt and I found out later I hurt them more instead. So, I am just so shocked that God placed me right where I needed to be to help someone in need, when I didn't even have a clue what was going to happen. Serendipity. But on second thought, I don't think serendipity had a thing to do with it.

It was just so cool.

Would you join me in praying for her? I want to let her know there are so many praying - and you're just the ones He needs.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Dear Lucy and Asher

Dear Lucy and Asher,

My cousin Amy and I were talking the other day and she told me how she steps into Annika and Trevor and Gavin's rooms and watches them while they're sleeping. She whispers over and over, "Thank you, God, thank you, God, for these wonderful gifts."

I love Amy for so many reasons, but mainly because I can so relate to what she says about motherhood - sometimes feeling totally overwhelmed with the dust over everything, crayons in the toaster, temper tantrums and exploding diapers. Underneath it all, she loves being the mom to those 3. As I do for you two.


Lucy, tomorrow you are exactly 2 and a half years old. Yesterday when you were under the water and I saw you I can not describe the feeling that left my core cold. It was a hollow in the middle of my chest and I couldn't get the sound out. Oh my baby girl, I love you so so so so so so much. I love you so much. You are feisty and volatile and impatient and random and sweet. You're just like me. I want to protect you and show you the world and love you and help you wash your hands 889 times because that's your new obsession. Today you had me in stitches because I opened the refrigerator and you yelled, "Oh, mommy! Chicken milk! Chicken milk!I want chicken milk!" I couldn't imagine what you were talking about until I saw the carton of egg substitute with a cute little chicken on the front. In the past two weeks you have really accelerated with your activity level (PHEW!) and your words!!!!!!! It's amazing and makes me feel like a 94-year-old hip-replacement patient after chasing after you all day. Some other things you've done lately:

  • licked the DVD and rubbed it on your shorts to clean it, just like I do.

  • told Asher, "Stop hitting me, Brother Bear! Mom, he's hitting me!" when he accidentally brushes up against you as his arms flail willy nilly

  • giggle with Asher - I love to watch you two when you don't know I see you.

  • pinched Asher's neck while at the same time saying, "Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!" I know if I hear that greeting you're doing something you shouldn't be.

  • Wear your size 8.5 too-big Diego and Dora shoes with your Cindowella dress

  • told me the bread dough looked "sort of like ice cream"

  • when you're bored, you pack your things up and go to the door, asking for Nina and Papa's house.

  • surprise me by knowing the ENTIRE Veggie Tales CD by heart after hearing it 4 times

  • tell me, "Stop that, mama, it is really scaring me." as I use the drill to put up shelving

  • Tell me, "She pushed me!", referring to your dad, when he gently guided you to your room to pick up your toys.

  • call Asher "Sissy", because when I tell him to say, "Hi, Sissy!" you think I'm instructing you to say it. I don't correct you because it's cute.

I keep telling myself that these days with you two so young are SO precious. I know I do alot of things wrong in motherhood but one thing I am sure I do right is truly appreciating every single wonderful day with you. Not a day goes by that I don't end the day with a feeling of gratitude to God for making me your mother. I'm a little too good at putting down the cleaning and reading you a book or helping you in applying all of your stickers in one spot.

Asher, oh, sweet little Asher man. You have lived up to your wonderful little name. Happiness, Gladness, that is what it means. You are such a happy little man. Just in the past few weeks you are wonderfully transfixed with the world around you. You want to grab everything and pull my hair while you nurse. You do this moan that sounds like a cow giving birth to quadruplets when you're content. You have some major separation anxiety and scream when you can't see me. I've felt bad the past few days because you and Lulu have been competing a bit for my attention. You sit in your bumbo with your arms flailing and scream until I pick you up. I thought the "hard" part had passed when you were about 2 months, but now I realize that as you become more and more alert and mobile I will have my hands full! I love it!

Turds - you're really good at filling your diaper with turds. I have thought you were constipated because I've never experienced baby-ate-regular-food turds that weren't in a colostomy bag. At about 2 in the morning I changed your diaper with one eye open. In the morning I came to pick you up and there was a huge turd right next to your head. It must have fallen out of the diaper and made a little home next to your sleeping little form as I was taking it to the trash! There you were, just grinning away, trying to see the turd by the side of your head. Your dad refers to our house as "the family barn".

I love spiking your hair and making you look like a little man. I adore having you for a son. You make our family so complete. I will always hold in my memory the sound of your first gorgeous little cry and your dad letting me name you. Oh, you were so beautiful.

Kiddos, I have been struggling lately with my faith in God. Does he even exist at all, or is the idea of Him just a result of some evolutionary need created by our small, finite minds? Does the belief in a stronger entity only serve to fill some basic biological human need? I am jealous of those who don't struggle with these questions; whose faith is solid.

Tomorrow is the day of the month you both were born. The day my world opened up, the day I began to see things with a selfless sheen. I think about the possibility of a loving God and each day I open my eyes and see your little faces staring back I can't help but feel like a fool to deny His existence.

I listened to this song (Download 08_maybe_theres_a_loving_god.wma)

and it just fit so perfectly how I have felt these last few months:

I'm tryin' to work things out
I'm tryin' to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident?
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Starin' up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
with my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Starin' up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and graph
of my despondency
They want to chart a path
for self-recovery
and want to know what I'm thinking,
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the back yard
Starin' up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
I'm lyin' on my back in the middle of a field
And maybe that's a selfish thought
and maybe there's a loving God

And maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed alot
But maybe there's a loving God

That could be a foolish thought
But maybe there's a loving God

When I feel despondency kick in I look at your little faces and realize that God loves me more than I love you.

And that positively takes my breath away.


Tuesday, August 14, 2007


I should have stuck with my instinct that said I wouldn't be able to handle 2 kids at the swimming pool. Instead, I decided to try it anyway.

I was nursing Asher, and Lucy was sitting on the steps of the pool. She had yet to actually venture into the pool on her own. Two other moms were in the pool as well as their girls, Lily and Josie. They were sort of in a semicircle around the steps, and Lily and Josie were arguing about whose birthday party was coming up. It was funny because they were yelling at each other as loud as they could.

I was laughing, too, and then all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I see this brown rag-looking thing floating in the pool (I remember wondering what it was doing there.) I looked down below the rag-thing in the water and saw blue and white polka-dots that looked familiar. Um, that's when I saw the arms and legs flailing and realized it was Lucy! It took a while to sink in.

If you've known me for any length of time you know I have a huge fear of my children around water, due largely to the fact that I nearly drowned when I was 4 years old. It wasn't a scary feeling for me, actually being under the water - I remember clearly thinking, "Oh, the pool lights are so pretty!", and it was exactly like I was in a dream state. It felt very pleasant. The thing that scared me was after I was out of the water and the big fuss everyone was making over me and the strange people in the hospital. But that has always stuck with me.

I started yelling, "Oh, my God! Get her out! Get her out!" and slammed Asher down onto the concrete. And of course, when you're in the middle of a situation like that, it feels like 900 years before you actually reach the child. It was probably only 8 or 10 seconds. Seeing her under the water totally helpless like that is probably one of the worst feelings I've ever had. She just sputtered a bit when I finally reached her and didn't seem to have even inhaled any water. I'm thinking she held her breath.

I was talking to Scott about it on the way home and said I thought she needed water wings. He told me that water wings wouldn't have done anything in this situation and she needs to have a life-jacket on whenever she's in the pool, and I'm thinking that's a good idea. (Just for the record, Scott is NOT an over-protective parent, so he's a pretty good sounding board for me.) We were all with her, not 2 or 3 feet away, and there she was, flailing under the water. So apparently just being next to them isn't even enough. It happens FAST. I think unless you've seen firsthand how quickly it can happen you just don't "get" it, and it's easy to sit there and say, "It wouldn't happen to me." I know 3 families whose children have drowned and they are ALL excellent, conscientious parents!!!!!!!!!!!

On our way home, she said, "I fell under the water, mommy." I feel like I am going to vomit. Water is so dangerous.

Monday, August 13, 2007

sea and life-blood

I wonder if the sea, when it meets the horizon, knows that it is home? Does the life-blood coursing through the vein feel at ease when it finally reaches a pumping heart?

I watch you show her a flower, kiss his baby cheek.

You guard my sensitivies because that is what love does. You hold my arm fat back so it doesn't look so obvious in pictures and tell those who still bring it up, "No, we didn't name him Henry, we named him Asher. That is his name because we like it." You fill in my insecurities with words that make me joyful; you laugh when I get so excited about my new fake nails and $0.02 jars of baby food. You refill the dishwasher the right way for the 1,167th time because I filled it in accordance with my personality. I love that we have the same favorite memory - hearing that sweet girl cry her first day. You gently guide me into bed at night when my anxiety is so great that I pace the halls, checking and rechecking if everything is locked up tight. You do these things because my hurts are yours, and my joys are, too.

I think the sea and life-blood may envy me.

With you, I am where I belong, always.

Happy Birthday.

Sunday, August 12, 2007


I am looking for bee drawer pulls for my kitchen (my sister in law's mom had some CUTE ones and I am copying her) and came across this. Is it just me, or does he appear to be mating with the wall?

I have been nauseated the past week or so, and my mom innocently suggested that I could be pregnant. I was flooded with - well, panic and fear. I can't describe to you the relief I felt when there was only one line. Relief probably isn't a strong enough word. I feel bad saying that, because I really really do love my kids, but
right now I have my hands full. Is that bad? I'm the type of mom who
chucks the clothes in the drawers and gets watermelon juice all over
the floor and doesn't clean it up right away and, well, you get the
point. I have my hands full. Why do I feel the need to justify being
happy I'm not pregnant? I am weird.

Asher is now drinking beer out of a sippy cup. **Sniff** My baby is growing up.

Trinity won the gift card! I am sending it out to you, oh vixen of the night! You have to get something for YOURSELF!

We had such a wonderful time in Iowa. It was great. I was thoroughly exhausted by the time we got back. I have cut down the number of blogs I read in an effort to spend more time reading Harlequin Romance novels with the kids.

My favorite photo from the weekend: