Tuesday, October 2, 2007
So, there is Nate, and Michael, and Asher, and the electric green poop. Happy, Quinnley?
I went out to eat with a friend after Bible study. We were talking about how God uses things in our lives to teach us lessons, but sometimes we want to see the end result and don't want to put up with the pain. Depression is something I will always deal with, and more often than not I wonder what the heck God's doing. But then I know that there are ways he's using it. I also know there are ways he's using this blog. I started this blog in November, before Lucy was born as a way to keep track of my thoughts. And now, here we are, 3 years later! I hope someone who reads this blog has been encouraged.
I talked to my group at Bible study about how I feel like I have no faith, no faith that God is even real or existing. I feel like so many Christians just believe it because it is convenient, but they have no idea how the Bible even came to be (NO, God did not just hand Moses a Bible, ok?) If you believe that the Bible is true in its entirety, you also have to believe that the men who voted on the authenticity of the books were inspired by God in order to vote in such fashion. You also have to believe that Paul wasn't just on an acid trip when he was writing Philippians, or that David wasn't just severely manic when he wrote the Psalms. Yes, believing the Bible takes an awful lot of faith.
But then, on the other hand, believing anything takes an awful lot of faith. Believing that I am here because of some accident is even harder to believe. You can't take a box full of watch parts, shake it up, and then expect a watch to form. And that is what proponents of the big bang without God's orchestration theorize. I suspect their believing there is no God has more to do with the fact that they don't want to be accountable for anything or to anyone more than anything else.
Can I tell you something, and you promise not to laugh? I wasn't going to blog about it, because I didn't know how, but, here goes...
The other night I was sitting in my car (we bought it from my grandmother) after dropping something off at the post office. I was minding my own business, balancing my checkbook, when all of a sudden I had an overwhelming SENSE of my grandfather. I smelled my grandpa. It was the way my grandfather smelled when he was healthy. Like the land, a little sweaty, a little aftershave. It was a good, good smell. Whenever I gave him a hug I would breathe it in. I hadn't smelled that smell for a good 7 years. He didn't smell like that in the nursing home any more. In that moment in the car, the smell was so strong, as if he were sitting right there next to me. At that same time, I felt a presence in the car. The weird thing about it all is that I wasn't scared. I was so comforted; it was wonderful! I actually said out loud, "Gramps?" and turned to look in the passenger seat, for I was that sure he would be sitting there.
You can tell me I'm a kook, but I know what I experienced. Have you ever had an experience like that?